This Boot Ain't Made for Walking...

I haven't posted for awhile, as I wasn't sure what to write about. I've been in touch with my friend Randi, she seems troubled. She's sleeping with 2 different men named Glen and Glenn and her former boyfriend found out by tapping into her my space page and called her a whore. She wanted to know If I thought she were a whore and I told her absolutely not, as long as she's not getting paid for it, right? What's a My Space page and how does one tap into one? Randi is considerably younger than me and I'm happy not knowing the answer to many of these urgent questions.

Gail, my Canadian friend, is happily living out the balance of her retirement up in a place North of Toronto that she refers to as Paradise. She and her husband Alan and Great Dane, Logan are on 23 acres residing in an 8 bedroom house with their own lake and expecting their second Dane as soon as it's litter is thrown. (Thrown is dog talk) My guess is that cabin fever with bring them back into civilization before too long, possibly keeping this wonderful resort like home for a summer getaway. Wait and see...

The Lovely Jules is on a marathon work schedule with everything relaxing around Wednesday this week, affording her a 5 day weekend for us to play with. I had lunch with my son Brad today and he's on a work schedule that is doubling his workload for the next 60 days. He looks tired and is talking about buying a franchise of sorts. During the time that we were eating chicken fried steaks at Bill Johnson's, his cell phone rang no fewer than 15 times while he ignored it and just ate.

Friday night, the Lovely Jules cooked me a dinner fit for a king, of Oven roasted chicken with a mushroom sauce and Spinach Something-or-other. It's a spinach dish cooked up with a cheese and baked inside a giant croissant' loaf. I'm sure when she reads my description of this dish, she'll enlighten me about it in the comments section. Saturday we awaited the beautiful weather we were expecting for weekend and it actually never showed up until today Monday, when everyone was securely back at work. Sunday, I didn't give the Lovely Jules a chance to cancel due to her nagging case of the flu, but instead, showered and hopped into my car and it automatically drove to the home of the Lovely Jules, whose initial response was, "What are you doing here"? I explained that if she were going to feel lousy, at least she was going to feel lousy with me around and she quickly became her old self, wearing jeans and a sweater and a smile. We headed to my car lot to change cars and headed off in a vacation Dodge van, to Cave Creek for a day of tourism and fried chicken at the Horny Toad. Everything was ideal and Julie was feeling 100% better with the exception of our waitress' jeans were much too high and too tight and we feared she would die of a severe irritation before she could deliver our perfectly fried chicken. We were in luck though, as she delivered our chicken and didn't die until she got back into the kitchen, as we never saw her again. With full stomachs and two Styrofoam boxes we started our day of tourism and picture shooting as chronicled by the photos included. We seemed to be particularly attracted to a giant cowboy boot, as you'll see. I named the boot "Julie's Booty". Although she liked the name I chose, hers is nowhere near as big!

We finished the day by going to a Safeway where Julie told me about hamburger being on sale for $1.50 a LB. Around here we call that Great Dane food. Sunday night found us leisurely laying around watching the Oscars, but channel surfing as that is just not our kind of show. All and all the weekend was great and a good time was had by all. I never did hear about that pesky fly again, not until at least when I get it!

Mel
2/25/08

Some Guys JUST Can't Take a Joke...

Today when I was getting off the freeway at Bethany Home Road, I looked into my rear view mirror and saw a red Mercedes sports car, the kind that Brittany Spears has been seen driving on TMZ every night. Driving this sports car Mercedes was a gentleman that I took no particular notice of, other than he was behind me and exited at the same place I did and he didn't use his turn signal. Shortly after making my right hand turn at Bethany Home Road, as I was on my way to make a rye bread pick up, I moved over one lane to the left and that's when all hell broke loose! Evidently this guy driving in the Mercedes must have punched it and was almost right next to me when I moved over a lane. Well, I don't have to tell you what happened next. I was embarrassed for the poor guy. He was all over the road, eventually pulling onto the wrong side of the road into oncoming traffic, if there were any, which there wasn't.. I'm sure this display was for my benefit as he laid on the horn and never let loose of it! He beeped for at least 100 yards, nonstop. Then when he finally regained control of his car and was passing me giving me the mandatory "finger" he honked again.. Man, I've never seen such a nice car lose it's cool so eloquently and in such a hurry too., lol... I wish I could be a fly on the wall when HE tells this story....

PS. In case he reads this............. SORRY!

Mel
2/22/08

Grand Theft Auto...

Today started out pretty much like any other day. I tried to sleep as the Dynamic Duo licked me into awareness. When I opened the front shutters I noticed a car parked on the street that empties into my driveway, an unusual sight, as there is usually a vacant street looking at me. About 50 yards down, there was an old Honda parked there with an apparent flat tire. I assumed there'd be someone by soon to repair it. At about 10 AM, the clouds burned off and the sun came out and I developed an early case of Spring Fever. I looked longingly at the red convertible sitting unattended in my side yard and knew we'd both feel better if I took the top down and took it for a ride. My first stop was the mailbox at the end of our street and on the way back, I noticed a car pull up to the abandoned Honda and make ready to change the tire. As I pulled closer, I could see it didn't have a single tire on it. The man that was attending the vehicle gave me a friendly wave and I waved back, although he didn't look like he belonged in this neighborhood. How judgemental of me huh? He was dressed in dirty jeans and his pants were falling down and was unshaven. Then I thought about how I might look doing the same task and relaxed a little and made my way over to him and offered him my floor jack.

He introduced himself and told me that he lived about a block away and the police had just called him to tell him that his car, that was stolen 3 weeks ago was found and it was right here near my house. He had gone to a wrecking yard and purchased 4 tires and wheels for it and he needed to get it home. Well, he was a neighbor, putting all of my fears of dealing with a car thief to rest. Together we got the 4 tires onto his car and I offered to follow him home to allow him a second trip back to his second car that was parked near my house. Sid, my new friend, accepted and offered me his card. Sid owns a flag shop in downtown Phoenix and his wife works as a pharmacist for Fry's nearby. Sid is bringing me a flag tomorrow for the front of my house for helping him. I told him I wouldn't accept a gift for helping a neighbor in distress, but he insisted and told me I'd find it on my front porch tomorrow morning whether I wanted it or not. Cool, huh?

Since I already had my floor jack out and my Corolla needed an oil change and I had the oil and I had the filter, why not? I pulled the Corolla into the garage and jacked her up into the air and made ready for the change of fluid. Things were going along rather smoothly when I realized that the oil filter for that car is so tiny, that the oil filter wrench that I have was way too big for it. It was probably less than 2 inches in diameter. Using a large pair of channel locks, I loosened the old one and threaded on the new one, however I didn't feel it was tight enough, so I gave it a little turn with the channel locks and proceeded to pour in about 4 quarts of oil. After 3 and 1/2 quarts, I started the engine to fill the oil filter with oil and checked it again. To my surprise, and let's face it, I'm still NOT that handy, about 2 quarts of the oil that I just pour into my Corolla were now on the garage floor! What the???? There was a puddle about 3 feet wide under the car and oil was ripping from everywhere. I threw a towel down under the car, I laid down next to the puddle and saw where the main source of oil was coming from. The OIL FILTER with the hole in it, that I popped into it with my stupid channel locks. SHIT! I looked down at my shirt, the one that Julie had just bought me the day before and it was dripping with oil. I ripped it off and used it as the first of many towels to wipe up this mess. This was officially the LAST time I change the oil at home, EVER!

Right in the middle of my disaster, my home phone rang and it was the Lovely Jules' phone calling me. Not her, just her phone. This was the third time her phone has taken the liberty to call me, all on it's own. I say hello and listen to her work on plastics. No conversation, just working going on in the background. I think her phone has a crush on me! See why I like my old phone? It doesn't call anyone without me!

Mel
2/19/08

The Breakfast of Champions...

This morning found me trying to clear out my backyard of a couple of the cars that accumulated there. This is a constant in the life of a car guy. I called Julie to see if she was available to pick me up at the car lot and was pleased at her response. She said sure, she's off all day as a result of President's Day and can we go to downtown Glendale to look at antiques and have breakfast? I'm NOT an antique kind of guy, my things get old all by themselves without looking for more, but EVERYTHING I do with the Lovely Jules is a carnival to me! She could invite me to go septic tank diving and we'd have fun snorkeling! (That may have been a bit strong to make my point).

I gave her detailed instructions on how to find the car lot and told her to call me the first time she got lost. She laughed, I didn't! About 20 minutes later, the phone rang and it was Julie laughing, she was lost. Somehow we rendezvoused and I showed her the whole complex that I refer to as the "Compound". I know she was impressed because she even admitted that she's never seen so much crap accumulated in one place EVER. I explained that Paul suffers from a pack-rat complex and to try not to disturb anything. I introduced her to Paul that was trying to sell something to someone and we left.

Our first stop was a Mexican Restaurant that goes by the name of Bitzie Mama. Their menu offered a complete American breakfast selection as though time had stood still. No one in that place had ever heard of Cholesterol and I was okay with that for the moment. Julie ordered sausage and eggs and I had the vein clogger special, the Chicken Fried Steak covered in country gravy that encompassed the entire large platter. It was served with pre-buttered toast and a large pile of hash brown potatoes that Shaq would have had trouble finishing. I ordered coffee served in an old mug and I even got to pour sugar from a dispenser. It was 1957, just for the moment. I kept making eating noises and when I looked over at Julie, she was eating with enthusiasm like I'd never seen her before. We were on a mission! I don't think Julie got enough to eat when she was a child as she ate her meal and right in the middle ordered a bowl of fruit and milk, coffee and water! I had my head down and I kept hearing Julie saying, you don't have to finish................... but I did!

We paid the check and I loosened my belt by one notch as we walked out to go antiquing. Downtown Glendale is the headquarters for antiques for our area and there were tons of places selling the old stuff. It appears that the Lovely Jules know her antiques too. She purchased 3 old bowls, mentioning their particular brand, color, and era and said she could sell them on eBay and triple her money immediately. I listened, still sucking Chicken Fried Steak out of my teeth. Gosh, that breakfast was GOOD!

We were heading to my house to dump me off when St. Jules asked if I wanted to go to Stein-Mart. I'd never been to a Stein-Mart before, so we went there. It was Chistmas! I found 5 shirts and a pair of shoes that Julie says should replace the old comfortable ones I wear. I might even look good enough to out in public sometime. Geez, those hash browns were to die for!

After walking my poor legs off in downtown Glendale, we finally drove home and Julie dropped me off. She was headed back to her house to work the day away. That never happened. We chatted on the phone a few times and we text messages back and forth saying nice things to one another. You know what? I think we're smitten! Smitten is good.

Mel
2/18/08

I Love Shopping....

After a manic rendezvous at Costco, we ran around like chickens sans their heads trying to do Saturday shopping at such a place. The highlight of the afternoon was when we happened across an overweight man that had cleared out a place on a shelf to plunk down his tired ass and was obviously just taking a well deserved break from shopping. With his shopping list still in his hand as we passed, I whispered to him to try sitting on the 40 LB dry dog food bags, they're much more comfortable. He smiled and thanked me, as we strolled past. After Julie found the perfect t-shirt and assorted cleaning supplies and secured the 5 LB container of potato salad that I couldn't find a few days earlier, we were good to go. We split up a few items that we bought collectively and said our goodbye in the parking lot, how romantic. One of the items that Julie bought was 1 LB of giant shrimp that was to appear a little later in our dinner. I love when Julie cooks shrimp,as she doesn't really care for them and I get to eat them all and take home the balance!

As I said, we went our separate ways and I met her later at her house to the aroma of garlic and a plethora of goodies. After dinner was the big surprise. In the Lovely Jules' living room lives a sofa that was created shortly after the beginning of time and as luck would have it, it has a hide-a-bed in it. Anyone who's ever owned such a monster knows that the mattress is not suitable for human use. It is good for guests that are not wanted to stay too long, such as mother-in-laws and out of town drop-in friends. One night in the belly of a hide-a-bed you don't ever walk the same. That's not to say that the hide-a-bed is not just perfect for a 106 LB, 15 year old mutt that hasn't left it's sink-hole for 3 days. Pawpaw is that mutt. He spends every waking hour on that bed now and only leaves the comfort of it's welcome foam rubber mattress for personal reasons. He goes outside, which used to be his retreat, but now reappears at the door begging to get back in within seconds.

The wonderful hide-a-bed is smack dab in front of the little TV that Julie has in her living room and we decided to watch last night's offering while relaxing on the bed, but Pawpaw had different ideas. He plops himself right in the middle, between us in his sink hole and snores away the night like a freight train coming through a tunnel. It's good that we're dog lovers, huh? I think it was right at 10 PM that I looked over and there slept the Lovely Jules, hugging her faithful companion, Pawpaw. I took my leave...

The phone rang at 8 AM after a sleep-interrupted night and it was the ever-energetic Jules, raring to go shopping again. She decided that shopping was not only necessary, but good exercise, as well. After a quick shower, Julie was pulling up in my driveway.

We hopped into the car and our first stop was the cell phone store. Julie assures me that most modern cell phones don't have hand cranks anymore and I should get something more modern. I explained that I only use it for phone calls. I don't take pictures with it or access the Internet, it's all I need. Alltel was closed, whew! Next stop, Mervyns. Well, Mervyn must have had a late night too because it was empty and boring. I bought a pair of Levis and a pair of sun glasses for Julie. Her old ones made her look like a bug. We were hungry by now and I talked her into gong to Chile's, which she hates. She and Chili's has finally convinced me never to go there again, particularly on a weekend. If you were a young mother with children the age to cry or throw things or otherwise ruin a normal person's meal, you were at Chile's today. When we got there, it was kind of pleasant at about 12 noon. It was as though someone opened a flood gate and the children converged on us. They sat 4 young women with one child behind us and the noise was deafening, literally. One of the young idiots kept clucking non-stop like a chicken, until I finally asked the waitress if it would be okay if we moved. We carried our food to a less encompassed area and seated ourselves. I never knew Chile's had a "chicken clucking" section until today. My chicken sandwich was burnt to a crisp and our waitress was young and gone. I never really saw her again to say anything. So, I ate the parts that were edible and asked for the check. Julie ate 2 bites and said hers was rather poorly done too.

Back to the excitement of shopping!!! This time it was "off to Target". We both needed t-shirts for around the house and I wanted pajamas. I've never been a pajamas kind of guy, but lately it's been awfully cold here in AZ and I know, you don't want to hear about it, right? Julie bought me the t-shirts and pajamas. I LOVE being a kept man! That concluded, we were looking a for a new food store called Whole Foods and found it. It was quite different, kind of like a Trader Joe's, but bigger. Julie was thrilled with things she found there, none of which I'd ever heard of. We ran into Lao, the owner of Tutti Santi's and said hello to him and his family.

Although it was pretty early, it was still a beautiful day here in the Valley of the Sun, so I decided to wash our vehicles while Julie pulled some weeds that made their way into the world after all of the rain that we've had. I really like our relationship. I do things for her and she understands and just jumps in there and does things for me. Kind of nice that way................ for single people!

Mel
2/17/08

Happy Valentine's Day...

I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day until yesterday.. The Lovely Jules changed all of that for me. This "man created" holiday has always been an obligation as opposed to being enjoyable. Everything costs more money and the crowds are unbelievable. Yesterday, I found myself at Costco picking up a prescription and I noticed that every man in the place was carrying a bouquet of roses. Quite an unnatural sight, frankly. Some men had 2 and 3 bouquets, indicating either a harem at home or daughters. As I sit here writing, I'm munching on a pound of Godiva chocolates, courtesy of St. Jules! Just since I've written this first paragraph, I've consumed 1/2 of the 1 LB box. Julie asked me to save her the good ones, fat chance. When she bought me Sees Candies for Christmas, every last one of them was half eaten before I ever got my hands on them! Gosh, these are SO good..

Since we always enjoy the efforts of Tutti Santi's Italian Restaurante', I actually called and made reservations there.. Mateo answered the phone and I course I joked with him for a moment or two. He told me they were seating 120 at 6 PM, 120 at 7 PM and 8 PM is out of the question, but 9 PM is still open. I grabbed the 9 PM reservation, in spite of the fact that it was a week night and awfully late to be eating.

I arrived at the Lovely Jules house at 7:30 wearing my sports jacket and dress slacks with a Polo dress shirt. I'd don't have a key to her house and was forced to ring the bell. Julie immediately opened the door and commented on how nice I looked and Pawpaw head butted me in the balls, as usual. Julie looked ravishing again! I don't think I've ever seen her wearing anything but jeans and she was dressed in dress slacks and a sexy top. Very HOT! As I entered, I was bent over with cramping from the dog attack. I was offered a bottle of water and escorted to the sofa for seating.

We played for about an hour and Julie told me it was time to go to the restroom to apply the final touches. I didn't join her there as she primped and patched up her make up application. We headed out. We were able to get a parking place that was a little too good. That always makes me wonder when a restaurant is booked up. We entered and was greeted by Lao the owner. I told him how lucky he was to have a job, as he wiped off his brow with his handkerchief. He wandered off talking to himself in Italian. We were seated by the sleazy hostess with the cheap ass wig and too much make up. She brought us to a 2 top table about 12 inches from the table against the wall. I complained and told the hostess it was too small for us. Sh offered us a booth if we were prepared to wait 30 seconds, we were. Poor planning by the hostess, as the place was only half full. Who were they saving the booth for, the Pope? Julie thanked me for speaking up as the tiny table was just not acceptable.. I beat on my chest 4 times and kissed her gently. That's when I looked into her eyes and saw her passion. What is it about that restaurant that turns her on so?

We were seated as I prayed that our waiter was not going to be Tom, the waiter we had last time. Tom is a dumpy little guy that reminds me of someone from my past that I can't quite remember. He possesses horribly bad breath and a lack of knowledge about his job. He is new and I know more about their restaurant than he, after frequenting it for 15 years. He never offered us the special and after dinner we are never offered free Zambuca, something that is always offered there. There is something about Thomas that I just don't like. As good as the food is there, that's how bad the service is. This is the fourth time we've eaten there and it's been bad every time.

After ignoring us for way too long, he came over and the very thing that Julie wanted, they were out of. Shouldn't a good waiter mention that up front? I ordered veal scallopini and all that poor Julie could find to order was an appetizer of raw beef and tomatoes. It had some fancy Italian name, but that's what it was. When my scallopini came, it was embarrassingly low on volume. It looked like a joke! There in the middle of an enormous plate was about 2 ounces of veal, no kidding that was all. Julie loved it and ate about one of the ounces and I wolfed down the other one, waiting for Thomas to show up again and ask if he were kidding. Thomas never showed up again. We decided to just leave after paying the check as Julie had some other idea for the balance of the evening. Without me knowing it, she had secretly recorded LOST!
Mel
2/15/08

Miracle on 62nd Drive...

After a day of meandering around town, I ran a few errands and wound up at my car lot. It looked like an abandoned wrecking yard. I decided to check to make sure all of the cars that I just recently bought batteries for all started, but was sadly disappointed. Only one car of the bunch actually went ahead and started. Even the brand new 07 Chevy pick-up that I have, had a dead battery and as usual, Paul told me that the 2 junk cars that were on my side of the property line would have been gone, if I'd have showed up a little later.

It appears that he sold 3 cars for $1000 and the buyers weren't satisfied with the deal and wanted to back out. How do you buy 3 cars that run for $1000 and complain about anything?Typically, all of the jump starting devices were dead too and the one car that remained, blocked getting to 2 of my dead vehicles with a running car or jumper cables. As usual, I left frustrated and headed home, but remembered to stop at the pool store first, for the parts that I needed for my pool cleaner. Sans a hundred bucks or so, I headed home with new parts and instructions on how to remove the old parts along with some $4 lube.

When I arrived home the weather was gorgeous and I decided to shampoo the convertible's carpeting, rendering it flat perfect. Seldom do I get the privilege of owning such a nice car, even for a little while. Recalling that the pool cleaner hasn't worked in weeks, I decided to tackle that job next. The owner of the pool store and I don't know his name, we shall call him Alex. Alex told me to use a giant channel-lock to unscrew the old fitting and lube the new one real well and just screw it onto the threads that I will then see. The part that need to be replaced is the fitting that screws into the pool wall and leads to the hose of the pool cleaner. Simple, huh? I asked if the old one would have been glued in? No Alex retorted, why would they glue it in, it has threads! So, I tried to unscrew the fitting and nothing. That thing was really on there. I tried a little harder really torquing my channel-lock and I heard a familiar sound. It was the sound of the old fitting disintegrating from have it's soul ripped out by an invading channel-lock. Now, I have nothing left to unscrew and the new hose fitting has nothing to screw onto. What in the world will I tell Alex? I seldom am able to fix anything, I don't even know why I try.

Last week, I was at the home of the "Lovely Jules" and she mentioned that her garbage disposal wasn't working again. This is the second time since I've known her. The first time, I wisely blew off the repair as it was late in the evening and too late to start removing a garbage disposal. She asked he son-in-law Nathan to repair it and he did. I heard about how unhandy I was for about 3 or 4 months since then. When the rebellious disposal quit working again, it was high noon and no excuse in sight. Without Jules seeing, I closed my praying eye for just one moment, long enough to ask God for some help in the new repair. As usual, he came through for me. I shoved a long handled screw driver into the pits of the monster and broke loose something and looked over to Julie and said the infamous, "try it now"! With an ever-so-tiny thunder from the sky, the garbage disposal revved its motor and I was more shocked than Julie! Man, that guy works in mysterious ways!

Happy Valentine's Day...

Mel

2/13/08