Strange Thing Happened on the Way Home from the Strip Club!

I open my laptop and there's an email from someone named Sandi. 


Initially, I was pleased to hear from her, as she was pretty and of the same faith that my parents told me I was.. Then I noticed she was 62, right at the upper crest of my age limit. Then I read her email and about fell off my chair. The old expression "CONTROL FREAK" jumped out at me. I've listed our communication here for your reading pleasure.. I've been doing this long enough now, to learn not to take any guff from would-be social freaks. So the email that you see below came popping out of my laptop with a little coaxing from me. I thought I worded it well, but still made my point. However, her reply was pleasing enough that I reconsidered my decision to "just say no!" After the last email through the dating website, I wrote her privately and offered her my phone number, as per her request, showing that I'd given in, so to speak. Big Mistake! 


I'd say that we had chatted for about 3 minutes on the phone before the topic of what an asshole Obama is, came floating out of her one sided mouth. Then she asked if I were a Conservative, like her. I told her it was a little late to be asking, lol. I told her that it's probably not a good idea to discuss politics on our first conversation, in view of the extreme differences of the two parties, these days. For example, we Democrats drive with our family pets "inside" the car! We chatted for about 30 minutes, I realized that our having even begun was a mistake and said our goodbyes. I'd say, within 10 minutes, she sent me an article that read, "Obama Plans on the U.S. Tax Payers to Spend 1.76 Gazillion Dollars in the Next 4 Years" and an invitation to be her friend on Facebook. Seeing her full name on Facebook, I Googled her, a practice to be observed, and learned that the lovely Sandi was, ready?...........................Seventy Two years old! 


Can you see in her second line of her first email where she says she's honest (in almost everything)? That's what she meant! I'll post her picture, so we can all say together, "SHE DOES NOT LOOK 72"!!!!! 

 HI Mel,
 You have an intriguing profile. Well let's see, I am slim,honest (in almost everything),cute, and probably would be attractive to you.My mind works overtime and I love my life. That seems to address a few of your caveats for a "person of interest." If you would like to talk, I will be happy to call you or, email me at xxx-xxx@cox.net I am not into long drawn out emails! Sandi

 Sandi:
 My purpose is not to be critical of you, but reading your reply to me, only one thing jumped out. You took "control" of everything. You responded favorably initially, then you instructed me on how to reply to your email and even the length of my email back to you. You mention men that flat line does not work, but then you take charge. I think we just had our first fight! If I'm wrong, please explain, if not, I doubt we would get along. I tend to be my own man. Mel

 Hi Mel, Right, first fight and I never fight with anyone. I never mentioned the length of your email. Don't know where that came from. Was not trying to be instructive either, but, u r clearly right...we would not get on well. I sincerely wish you good luck. Thanks for your interest. Sandi

 "I am not into long drawn out emails!" If you screen down, you'll see this as the last line of your email.

 Mel, It was definitely mot a comment or complaint about your email which I thought was lovely. It was simply a statement about me. I, personally, prefer talking on the phone rather than emailing. Sorry it was open to being misconstrued.
 Sandi

Ambien... Nuf Said!

It's no secret that I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I've mentioned it before. Dr. Harvey has been kind enough to prescribe Ambien for me and when it didn't do squat, he told me to try Melatonin that I can get at Costco, over the counter. I did. Unfortunately, I was up to 4 pills a night, before I spoke with Dr. Harvey, who told me to cut it back, I was taking too much. More or fewer pills really made no difference, still no sleep. Last night, after about 3 sleepless nights, and don't get me wrong. I sleep a little, then am awakened for no reason and just lay there for hours. Nothing seems to help. Already pretty tired, I popped a 5mg Ambien for good luck and began my evening routine, which is reading a mystery thriller, that I'm not finding the least bit thrilling. After about 15 minutes, I noticed that I couldn't concentrate on my book and repeatedly started the page over and repeatedly, nothing sounded even familiar. How odd! Another thing that was rather unusual, was there was another conversation going on in my head. I really couldn't make it out, but it was interfering with my concentration. Aren't I too old to become schizophrenic?


I decided that I wasn't tuned into the book and got up and played on the computer for awhile. Ah, Facebook. I saw that I had a friend request from a lady that I had spoken with earlier, a raging Republican and a hater of Obama, all rolled into 5' 2" and about 110 LBS. They don't have to be big, to be loud! I accepted her friendship and Facebook started suggesting other friends. That's when I decided that I should invite anyone that I went to high school with to be my new Facebook friend. I didn't even know these people. I must have invited about 15 total strangers to be friends with me, why not?


At some point, I realized I was really kind of groggy and decided to quit fighting it and went to sleep. It was about 1:30 AM by then and enjoyed a restful wonderful night of sleep, until Macy barged in about 7:30 and jumped on top of me. It wasn't until about 2 hours later that I opened the old laptop and saw the strangers that had accepted my invitations and wondered initially where the hell they all came from? Then it all started coming back to me. Now, do I explain it all to them or just leave the course of events alone? I'm gonna take Ambien again tonight, just to see what kind of fun I can have!

Emergency Room Visit, Oh NO!

I recall my father suffered from insomnia and would be up all night reading. I remember thinking that I certainly hope that doesn't happen to me. So it did. It's been about 2 months now that about 5 nights a week, I cannot fall asleep and occasionally I do, but for only an hour or so and then I'm up for the rest of the night. I told my buddy Dr. Howard about the problem and he prescribed Ambien along with a strict warning about the possible side effects of sleep walking. I quickly learned that sleep walking was not going to be a problem with me, because the Ambien wouldn't put me to sleep.


I think it was Friday morning at about 5:30, was the last accurate reading of the time, when suddenly, out of nowhere, LJ was standing in my doorway saying, "I'm sick, you have to take me to the hospital"! At first I thought I was dreaming, I glanced over at the clock and it said, 6 AM. She repeated, "Hurry, I have to go now"! 


I leaped out of bed, explained that I had to pee and left her in the doorway. I took care of business, put on my pants and was just pulling my shirt over my head as I entered LJ's room, where she was just sitting on her bed announcing, "I called an ambulance".  She was in no condition to drill on why, that I could get her there quicker than waiting for an ambulance, so I helped her to the living room to await her chariot. This was my first time at calling 911 and didn't really know what to expect. I asked LJ what she told them, but she didn't remember. After about 7 or 8 minutes, I heard a diesel truck in front of the house and went outside to show them the way. What I found was a fire engine and a second vehicle, a car, and evidently the EMS folks inside had not seen each other for a while, because they were exchanging high 5's and greeting one another. After about 5 minutes of this, they came inside the house and immediately ordered the dog locked up. I complied, completely against little Macy's will. I locked her in my room, where Macy attempted to burrow under the door. 


I don't think I'd ever been less impressed with a group of lifesavers. They were disorganized and confused. The big guy, a man about 6' 6"was most notable. When one of them asked Julie what was wrong, she explained that she had severe pain in her lower right section of her belly, as well as other places. She indicated that she hopes it's not her Appendix. The big guy said not to worry, the Appendix is on the lower left side. Everyone including myself, looked at one another to see if they were going to correct him, but everyone decided it would be in our best interest to just let it go. Ten or twelve minutes more had passed and guess what. The ambulance arrived. I thought it was outside all along. More confusion and chaos. Eventually LJ was lifted up onto the gurney and wheeled out. As they were leaving, I asked which hospital they were taking her to. Someone answered, Arrowhead, it's at 67th Ave and Union Hills on the North side of the street. I found it on the South side of the street, but close enough.


Once the door closed, I rushed to get Macy out of confinement and she rushed out with that where is my Mommy look on her face, sniffing everywhere. I think she wanted to bite the big dumb guy!


Everything seemed pretty anticlimactic after they all left and in spite of the fact that I'd not had any sleep, I was too wound up to do anything but pace. I drove to the hospital. When I finally found the place, I parked and went in. It was a chilly 52 degrees and I hadn't brought a jacket. The sun was just coming up and it was going to be a beautiful day, as it turned out. I went in and started searching for LJ. I learned that she was inside the confines of the Emergency Room and I couldn't just walk in, I had to have permission. I'm not a relative so why was I there. I briefly explained though the intercom and finally got buzzed in. I was told to search for room 17 where she was being held hostage. When I finally found room 17, there was a woman the size of a linebacker just about screaming at Julie. She was the nurse in charge. Everything that came out of her mouth was in lecture form. If you asked me if she were a nurse or a prison guard, I'd have gotten that one wrong! LJ was trying her best to vomit into the pick plastic receptacle they had supplied her and Sargent Houser was yelling for her to keep her arm straight or the IV wouldn't feed. Frankly, when you're blowing chunks, do you care? I was ordered to a chair next to the sink and at about eye level with it. When Sargent Houser came over to wash her hands, she splashed the hell out onto me. I asked for a life guard and her assistant laughed really loud. Nurse Houser gave her a dirty look that cracked me up and I exited to the hall to not laugh in front of LJ, who was as miserable as I've ever seen her.


I could see that I was not going to be of any help and Macy was alone at home. I'd been there about 2 hours when I left. I called Arrowhead Hosp. a couple of times, one they hung up on me, because I wasn't family. The next time I was told they would not give me information over the phone and hung up on me, then they told me she was being admitted to a room but not the one they told me. The next time I called, I asked for her and told them she seems to be lost. That pissed off whoever I spoke with who insisted she was certainly NOT lost, just between departments. Either way, they just couldn't find her.


Julie had left her phone home, so I had brought it to her, but she was so sick, she had no interest in having it, so I took it home again. It started to ring and it showed Arrowhead's phone number, so after playing with it for a time, I finally figured out how to answer it and it was LJ. She gave me the info I wanted, like what was wrong with her and she explained that they found a raging colon infection (colitis) and were pumping her full of antibiotics. She called me later and asked me to bring her phone and change of clothes. I got there about 8 PM, but they were closed to visitors, so I had to wait for someone to leave, then sneak in. 


One of the problems was, that LJ wanted her purple purse. She asked me to put her things in it, it had all her necessities. Now there just isn't an easy way for a man to bring a woman a purple purse that's not contained in something, there isn't! So I found one those ecology bags the grocery store gives you instead of using plastic and put the purple purse inside it. Good thinking, huh? It was now sleepy time for all the sick people and the ones that aren't sleepy, they drug! That was the case with LJ. She was drifting off, relieved of pain and deprived of sleep, until just then. I gave her the bag with her goodies inside and I'm not even sure she knew who I was. When I got to the exit, there were two big guys waiting there, just the way that I had earlier. I opened the door and let them in and decided they needed a better plan for that door!


I went home and went to sleep, finally. I left my phone turned on right next to the bed, just in case, but it didn't ring until about 10 AM. Guess who! It was the Lovely Jules. She was feeling better and wanted the hell out of there. Somehow that made it to about 3 PM when they finally released her. I said, okay I'm leaving right now, should be about 7 or 8 minutes. She said, no rush, I still have the IV in my arm. I figured hell, I can pull that out. When I got there about 30 minutes later, giving her plenty of time to get discharged, she informed me that she STILL had the IV in her arm and was feeling just awful again. Keep in mind, I had just spent the entire previous morning watching her heave and didn't need a replay, but this wasn't about me. When I got up there, she had a roommate now and the docs and nurses were attending to her. It was a 20 something plump girl that couldn't poop! Ain't in great how you learn so much about everyone in a hospital?


Finally this short fat guy about 30 years old that was wearing navy blue scrubs, (I learned that meant he was an RN) came over and pulled out the needle and handed LJ a couple of prescription. Now all we had to do was check out and split, right? Wrong. The lady came up with a wheelchair that was so wide, I asked if I could ride along with LJ, but both LJ and the lady said no simultaneously. Humph. We had to stop at the cashier's office and there was a line. I asked if we could skip this part and were told, absolutely not! Our lady did get another worker to not go on break and help us though. Now keep in mind, that just about everything that I had anything to do with in this hospital went poorly. From the ride there to parting gestures. The lady wheeled Julie into this office where the worker smiled a really phony smile and started her closing approach. She announced that LJ's bill was $5500. and how does she want to settle it. Picture Julie with her head down, not answering or responding in any fashion. Long dead silence. She said, do you have any money for us today? More painful silence. LJ then lifts her head,and explains that shes feeling just awful and can she come back tomorrow to finish this? She's told a firm, NO! Then the bitch says, how about just $500 for now? No answer from LJ, just head down in misery. When she begged for $50 I lost all respect for the woman and her job, not to mention the hospital. Julie had come in within the belly of an ambulance. She had no checkbook, hell she didn't even have shoes! I almost offered the hospital her fresh set of clothes I'd brought yesterday, but instead we backed Julies wheelchair out of the room and we left! LJ told the lady pushing her that she hoped she didn't get in trouble for this, but we're leaving..... and we did.

Pigeon Poop

You know how as life continues, you encounter various new experiences occurring in your life? Well today, awakening brought me to a new task that no matter how much I scratch my head, has never happened prior. First, Macy came into my room, something she doesn't seem to do without a reason. she hopped up on my bed and nuzzled up to me and went to sleep. I thought that odd. My room is a small 12' X 11' extra bedroom with a king sized bed with 2 dressers and an amour. There's a path to the bed and not much else. It gives me claustrophobia and I'm sure Macy our 80 lb pup feels the same. After a few minutes, Macy decided it was play time so I decided to get up and start the day. I threw on a pair of pants and a t-shirt and headed out, into the family room with Macy close behind me. That's when I saw 2 of the largest pigeons roosting on the drapery rod over our sliding door. I was genuinely hoping that the pigeons were on the outside and only appeared to be indoors. No such luck. These suckers were the size of chickens! Those two had somehow made it inside the house and were in just as much of a rush to get out as I was to have them out. Macy, about 18 months old, must have encountered the pair of nesting birds and decided to seek refuge in my room, explaining her unusual visit. LJ wasn't home, but has a habit of leaving her sliding door in her bedroom wide open, to give Macy access to the yard at her leisure. I tend to frown on this idea because even though it gives access to Macy, it also give availability to the variety of flies and desert vermin to the house and my worst fear is coyotes. We're on the golf course and the coyotes wander the 13th hole that we're on, as well as all the others every night at their will. Today pigeons, but tomorrow, who knows?


Macy comes from behind me and squats and pees on the spot. Being a dog person, I realize she is doing her inborn reaction of marking her territory. She declared the family room hers and I went for the mop! At this point Macy becomes Macy the great hunting dog of Arizona and lashes out an attack at the birds, that are not only scared to death, but well out of harms way on the drapery rod. However, they decide to go airborne and fly without a flight course around the family room at will and flying at full speed into the windows. Now my fear is that they will knock themselves out and fall to the floor where Macy with have an early Thanksgiving dinner!


I need to extract Macy from the situation before it becomes a bloodbath. So I take her outside and lock her inside the pool area, a place that we usually lock her out of, since her unscheduled swimming lesson last winter. Macy had been going around topless without her collar and was not an easy dog to grab a hold of, however, where there is a will, there is a way. Back to the problem at hand. Pigeon herding.


My first thought is to get a cue stick from the rack and use it as a long roosting spot for the birds. This really surprised me. I lifted the cue stick up in front of the pigeon very slowly and gently pushed it into the bird's chest and I'll be a son of a gun, he hopped on and I ever so gently carried him on the end of the pool stick, out the sliding door. 50% done, I now approach the second and only bird left and attempt the same thing, but no luck. This time he goes airborne and is flying about and hides himself within the confines of a fake corn plant and he's wedged against the wall. Tough place to maneuver. This time he flies off and lands somehow under the pool table, where I try to herd him out, but he takes a left where he should have taken a right and winds up at the farthest point in the house from where I have to lead him, to get out. You could just tell from dealing with this bird, he was no genius! But then again, I'm the one that he's outsmarting. Now, I try to get behind him and accomplish that and kind of herd him out to the family room and with him waddling in his little pigeon walk, looking back over his left shoulder every so often to see if I'm still there or just a bad bird dream?


We find ourselves about 6 feet from the sliding glass doors that are now at full mast, wide open and I gently tap him on the bird butt with my cue stick and he flies out the door to welcome wings of his mate that was sitting in a nearby tree rooting him on. Mission accomplished and not a single bird was injured during the writing of this story!


Now all I have to do is clean up that puddle and a whole lot of pigeon poop.

The First Lie is Never Enough...

Last night, as I lay in bed reading a mystery novel, my Blackberry indicated that I had mail. It was a message from a lady on Plenty of Fish dating service, oh joy! It indicated that it was from AZSweet and the reason that I know the screen name is because she has written to me so many times in the past. Her name is Candy and she wanted to know when we were ever going to get together? Candy is 62 and frankly, between her plump size and advanced years, I never really even read her profile. I already know I'm going to catch some heat for saying 62 is advanced age, considering I'm 65. 

The book was kind of mundane and I figured I could use a break, so I got up and hand cranked the old laptop. I opened the website and found her email and went ahead and started reading her profile. The opening line was, "The website has be at 62, but I'm really 67 and they won't let me change it". The entire profile was 3 lines, double spaced and finished with saying how honest she is. By this time I'm in stitches. She opens with a confession to a lie, says she a happy person or some silly thing and finishes with her extreme honesty. I know, I know, but I couldn't resist writing her a short email. I explained in as nice a way as possible, that when a man reads her profile, he concludes that she's a liar, so she's sitting behind the eight-ball from the start. I was a lot more delicate with her when I explained it however, because I gots class! I delicately once again explain that this website will not let you change your age after a two week period and in order to correct her indiscretion, she will need to delete her present profile and write a new correct one and they will probably even let her keep the same screen name. Then I ever so gently explain that I personally am not attracted to her and that explains why I've never replied to her in the numerous attempts she's made to contact me. Once again using only the finest kit gloves.

I sent off the email feeling like I had accomplished a community service, gotten her on the right track and rid myself of a annoying pest. Back to my book. It's Patricia Cornwall mystery and I've read so many of them that they all seem alike now. About 20 minutes goes by when my cell phone dings in an email notice. Sure enough, it's AZSweet writing to thank me for my helpful email to her, right? Wrong. It was her alright, but she wanted to set the record straight. She simply explained to me that she started on the website when she was 62, then dropped off while she was in a relationship and now she's 67 and it's 5 years later and she's stuck with a profile that says she's only 62. I'm all alone in bed laughing my ass off, because this is a classic example of lying a second time to cover the first lie! Still laughing I begin my email to her on my cell phone. I explain in as nice a way as I can, that they don't ask you for your age, they ask you for your birthday, so they can advance your age as you get older. She had already told me how dumb this site is because they expect you to change your age every year and then won't let you. (All part of her master plot) I hit "SEND" and now I'm back to this boring book. Another little period of time goes by and yet another email from guess who. This time she's completely overwhelmed and tells me to stop contacting her........................... so I did.

A Commercial for Anna's Linens...

Today, a strange thing happened to me. Yesterday, I watched LJ wash a king sized comforter in the washing machine and then put it in the dryer and immediately after use it on her bed. All these years I thought you had to take them and have them professionally dry cleaned. So this morning, with my white comforter in dire need of cleaning from dog slobber, stains from raw beef bones hidden in my bed, along with the usual assortment of dog biscuits (yes, I have an unusual diet), I dragged the soiled comforter to the washing machine. The exact washing machine that performed so well just yesterday for the Lovely Jules. Before putting the comforter inside the machine, I turned on the HOT water and put a mixture of detergent and water together and let it fill about 1/2 way up. My next step was to insert the comforter. sounds simple, right? The problem was, only about 2/3 of the comforter would fit inside and now the water in it's effort to fill the tub was overflowing onto my feet. Hmm.... what to do? I truly needed a quick solution. First reaction was to turn the water level to low, to stop the water..........no help. the floods were still coming. Then I turned off the water completely and of course that stopped the water, but the comforter had absorbed the entire contents of the tub and now it weighed a gazilion pounds. Plus it was likely to drip about half of that onto the floor. I had no choice Note, sidebar* LJ likes to keep the water temperature up there pretty high and it was no less than painful to grab the comforter and drag it's drippy ass to the backyard, where I fought it onto the top rail of the fence around the pool, suffering second degree burns all over my hands. . As a side job, now I had to clean up the laundry room floor. What better way was there to use LJ's dirty towels, than to pick up the arrant water. The remainder of suds in the washing machine was useful as a solution for washing them in. Feeling pretty good about the outcome, I put out some emails and phone calls on where to get a replacement comforter.

I was instructed to go to Anna's, Walmart's, Target's, and Steinmart's. Steinmarts was my first stop, With the parking lot mobbed on this Sunday escapade, I pulled into a parking place and walked a good distance to the front door. They must have been giving things away, but I was on a mission. I don't think I've ever purchased a comforter before and guess what. It's NOT fun. I approached a lady that was trying her best to not make eye contact with anyone. I soon found out why. She was straightening up pillows when I approached her. I asked if she could direct me to the comforters. I then interjected that I did not want ruffles, just plain, solid color if you have one? She said, there's only green in solid color. I displayed my dislike for green and she wanted to fight. "How am I supposed to know you don't like green"? I decided that Steinmart was not a good choice for today and left. 

Next stop, although I wasn't planning on it, but I passed a Walmart. I pulled in and could hardly find a parking place. As I parked and walked across the parking lot, I was about to enter when I saw a greeter explaining to a lady that could not bring her bird inside. Laughing to myself, I went in and was greeted by a Hispanic lady with a big smile and a nod. With a smile on my face and said to her, "Comforters and bedspreads"? She looked at me and said in her broken English, "When people speak English to me and they talk very fast, I no understand". All the things that went through my mind came together at once and I smiled and put my two hands up to my right cheek and used an inquiring look. With full knowledge of what I now want, she replied, "Oh, TV's, all the way at the end. I nodded, smile and left, headed for the TV department.

I must say that Walmart has a vast sleep department and most of the employees were there sleeping. I found a lady that once again was making herself scarce but tackled her and held her down while I asked for help. I said I wanted a comforter only and everything I see has a bed in a bag type thing where are the plain comforters. I might ad in all fairness that I am not good at finding things. It's just not one of my talents. The kind lady was sort of enjoying herself, since I took her away from stocking. She actually found me a comforter with 2 pillows and it wasn't necessarily ugly. I was kind of gonna buy it. I asked her how much it costs and she started telling to take it 3 isles down and four over and  there will be a machine that will read the bar code. She must have recognized that "lost" look on my face and then volunteered to do it for me. Again all the same things went through my head as when the Hispanic lady told me not to speak so fast if I was going to speak in English. Basically, I know I'm at Walmart, but what the hell happened to customer service.... and English? She walked me over to the machine, had a hard time getting it to work and then advised me that it was $99. What happened to "Falling Prices"? I put it down on the floor, the only place I could find that was available and said thank you and began walking away. She yelled after me, don't you want it? I turned and said I was going to Anna's and did.

I arrived at Anna's and found a parking place right at the front door, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven! I walked past an outdoor display where a young lady smiled and said hello in English. I smiled and walked inside. There were 3 employees and several customers browsing around and I immediately approached a young girl and asked for a king sized comforter in a solid color. She told me to follow her, I did. There were full selection of them in assorted colors and they were clearly marked $39.95. I asked if there were anymore that I might be interested in, that are not solid color and she took me to a rather pleasantly designed one in assorted shades of blue, with circles on it, for $19.99. I said I'll take it, do you accept American Express? She said that comes to $21.85 with tax, have a nice day. My only question is, why didn't I go to Anna's first?

My Best Sarcasm...

DutchTrouble 2/25/2012 5:30:15 AM Dear Ms. Ricky Lynn: Welcome to POF, I am officially the welcoming committee. I read what you had to say and I might add that it was well put. I am writing for duel purposes. First, I thought you to be cute and attractive, enough so to cause me to stop and write, but also I see you're a Realtor and I'm also looking for a house. If you feel that you can help me with either of my searches, please contact me. My name is Mel...

RickieLynn 2/25/2012 7:42:18 AM Hello Mel, Are you for real. You are seriously on the welcoming committee? I was welcomed earlier today too. Thank you for the kind compliment and yes I'm a Realtor amoung a few other things. So you are looking for a house. Any particular house? Are you not working with a Realtor at this time? You mentioned either search... what's your other search? Rickie

DutchTrouble 2/25/2012 9:06:44 AM I don't mean to sound sarcastic, but this is a dating service and I already have a puppy! Mel