Thursday, July 31, 2008


Isn't it odd that I only snore when I'm married? When I'm single, it seems to stop...

Monday, July 28, 2008

The Truth is...

He came into my life as a gift from God. He was 12 weeks old and 42 LB. All I knew about him was that his father was a monster and he came from an unwanted little of puppies. He was abandoned at a rescue to be someone else's problem. I scooped him up and took him home and he stole my heart. I've heard from a friend that everyone has a dog that is "THAT" dog in their life and Bogie is mine. Today is Bogie's half birthday. He's 10 1/2 today and isn't having a very good night. He can hardly get up and when he walks outside he limps so severely that it breaks my heart and if that weren't enough, he's vomiting repeatedly. I don't know what to do for him. I tried the vet but she shook her head and took my money. Useless. I know he's coming to the end of his time and I'm having a hard time accepting that, my Babyboy, my Bugsy, my Bogie friend...

Sunday, July 27, 2008

My Weekend and a Couple of Crushes....

Although I went out with MJ on Thursday, I wasn't sure where she was in the meeting until really Saturday. On Friday we bantered up and back simulating the idea of getting married, but instead of using a JP to do the ceremony, I suggested the local president of my Block Watch group. We could then have a block wide barbecue to celebrate, inviting a few close friends and choose rings from our own personal collections and afterwards, after we have been together for a time and one of us wants something from the other, we just yell "get it yourself" proving the marital bond. MJ fully agreed, but just like a woman changed everything all around and pretty soon we were holding our ceremony somewhere on the Beeline highway in front of a billboard advertising Viagra, so as to set a certain romantic mood.

I really wasn't sure how MJ felt about me until Saturday morning when she called me up and invited me out to either choose matching wedding rings or go to a movie. I replied that I wasn't interested in either, but would like to have dinner with her. She agreed and we were off.... MJ agreed to let me pick her up at her new home in the Arcadia area of Phoenix. She only bought the place 4 weeks ago and it was already whipped into shape with all new windows and doors and a fresh paint job. She has 2 little dogs, Tilly and Rex and Rex has bitten several of her suitor, but for some reason took a liking to me. I was ready to donate a few ounces of blood to Rex, but he surprised me by immediately bonding and tonight he was actually sitting on my lap, but I'll get to that. MJ's house was great and it has all new appliances and granite counter tops. She took me on a tour of her home and I counted 3 flat screened HD TV's including the one in the living room that is a full 72 inches. MJ is a football fan and holds season tickets to the Cardinal games.

Dinner was great, we tried a place I haven't been to in a long time, Tutti Santi's on 64th Street. From there we went back to my house for MJ to meet the Dynamic Duo, who took an immediate liking to her. We talked and listened to music and I drove her home around 12. We were driving down Tatum in Paradise Valley and the city council was nice enough to snap our picture. They think of everything and I'm sure they'll be sending a copy of that picture to my home real soon. I sure hope I wasn't going too fast for them to capture our likenesses. I drove home with the cruise control set to a firm 42 MPH, not wanting anymore pictures.

Sunday morning rolled around, I knew it would and around 10 AM, MJ called and was at of all places, Costco. Who knew she shopped at Costco? She invited me over to watch a movie and have dinner. She didn't really invite me over for dinner, but we were both pretty hungry and guess what restaurant was close by? My favorite Chinese Restaurant. It's only about 20 blocks from her house. Who would have thought??? MJ told me she really liked her food and was glad I showed the place and then paid the check. Then it was back to watch the movie. Although I sat in front of the movie for about 2 solid hours, my mind was in a totally different place. I looked over to MJ and asked her if she had a crush on me. She looked at me rather puzzled and replied, "I never really thought about it, but I guess I do. I took my profile down from the dating service, I must"!

MJ has a long day on Monday and will probably not get home until after 7, so I took my leave after a quick kiss goodnight and concentrated on not getting my picture taken again...


Friday, July 25, 2008

The Dating Guy Hits the Lottery...

This new dating life of mine has left me confused, busy, disappointed and delighted. This is a story of the last 2 adjectives, "disappointed and delighted".

Lets start with the event that was the demise of Gums... Gums was the nickname that one of my friends gave to Marsha after seeing her picture. She was the one with red hair that I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be too pleased with. The redhead. I had wanted to say that I wasn't the least bit pleased with her appearance, but thought I'd wait until I met her, as in the event that she was charming and pleasant, her looks wouldn't have been that important. I never got to meet Marsha, she was one of the ones that lied and claimed she never received my message and didn't pick up her voicemails and frankly, I decided not to pursue her when the bullshit started.When a woman starts lying to me before she ever meets or even talks to me, I consider that a fatal sign. I'll post her picture for you as a farewell to Marsha...

Next was MJ.

As I walked into the bar I was to meet MJ at, I realized I haven't even been to a bar in many years. I was a little nervous as MJ had sent me her picture and I was either going to be very pleased with her or so disappointed, I wouldn't know what to do. When MJ asked where I wanted to meet, I failed that test pitifully. I didn't even know of a bar in between our houses or even near my house. She called me yesterday at noon and we had a great 20 minute conversation, while she waited in her car for a co-worked to meet with her, to go to a new job. MJ wouldn't tell me what she did for a living, that she would prefer to tell me in person. With her mysterious persona, I naturally assumed she either worked for the CIA or the FBI.

I arrived a few minutes before MJ and cased this place called the Sandbox in North Scottsdale. It was pretty empty, significant of most businesses these days. I cased the place looking for a quiet place to lite. After walking clear to the back of the place, I turned around and saw a shapely, tall thin, blond haired young girl walking in. I immediately decided that this young lady was too young to be MJ and continued my walk. When she smiled and pointed to me, I thought this must be a joke, that she brought her daughter along to play a joke on me. This young lady looked similar to the girl in the picture, but was waaay too young. MJ finally disclosed that she was 56 and I wasn't really looking forward to meeting with a woman that close to my age, after all, I've seen me naked!

My part of the introduction was oh, but, we, a-a-a, and why? I couldn't form any reasonable sounds when I first realized this was my 56 year old date. I had to know how she did this. I wanted to try it too. Was there a fountain of youth somewhere? Not only was she gorgeous, but she was built like a model, a well endowed model, with a high tight ass and a shapely top, legs like a gazelle, toned and muscular. After a firm handshake, we walked to a quiet booth away from everyone else.

After I tripped and clumsily got into the booth, the conversation flowed evenly and humorously. MJ had a great personality and a super sense of humor. We had both been married a plethora of times and laughed about our experiences dating at this age. I had a really hard time believing she was really in my age group and not a generation younger. I'd honestly say that MJ looked to be about 28, yet she had the experience and wisdom of an older woman. She knew herself, was confident and poised and told some really great stories that had me sitting on the edge of my seat to know more. As for her job, she's a Hospice nurse and put herself through school after her second failed marriage. In addition, she has a 30 year old son and a 1 year old granddaughter, Maya.

MJ has had a hard life too. She spent 6 years in the hospital from the age of 6 to 12 due to allergies and life threatening asthma. Back in those days, they used oxygen tents where she spent a lot of her time. She was allergic to 253 things including carpeting fibers. Thank God she outgrew all of that as she got older. Naturally, the topic of her youthful look came up and she admitted to having a boob job and some "work". I have been around this planet for 62 years and have seen a lot of face lifts and I was under the impression that they all make you look "fake" with a plastered look stuck on your face, i.e. Mary Tyler Moore. I see women on my dating service that are 55 and every picture has the same expression on their face, as if it were stuck there. That, to me is a face life. MJ's looks perfect and even and her face moves like yours or mine. She let me search for marks and I was unsuccessful. She is perfection in appearance..

I've often said, that a picture is just a moment captured in time and often pictures don't do justice to the individual. Sadly, each and every time I meet with a woman that has a borderline picture posted, I'm disappointed, as the picture is far better than the real person. In the case of MJ, the picture that I'm about to show you makes MJ look about 15 years older than she looks in real life.. I'm sure you'll be able to tell MJ from Marsha, HA! I've already been back in touch with MJ and we're going out again...

The Dating Guy

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Story of Starsky and Hutch...

Quite a few years ago, when my 2 sons were about 5 and 8, we lived on a Ranchette in Scottsdale, AZ. A Ranchette, at the time, was a little over an acre of land set aside for raising farm animals within the city limits, with the exception of pig, as pigs were strictly off limits. In spite of the fact that we had a horse, 5 calves, 3 goats, 14 chickens, 2 turkeys, 2 cats and 2 adult Great Dane dogs and a litter of 12 puppies, the boys wanted pets of their own that lived in their room. They needed Gerbils! One day, while I was away at work, they conned their mother into driving them to K-Mart in her green 73 Pinto wagon, later named the Gerbil Mobile. With all of the feed that we kept around the house, it was my intention to keep rodents OUT of the house, but the boys thought differently. So, when I came home one evening the boys came running up to me thrilled to tell me of their new pets, Starsky and Hutch. As I entered their room, there on the dresser was an elaborate maze, with a running wheel and a second floor and a tube that ran from the second floor down to the first floor and one tiny Gerbil in it. Next to the elaborate set up was a second cage, the one that you get with the purchase of a Gerbil and another Gerbil was in that one. The boys were thrilled with Starsky and Hutch and told me how they were going to take care of them and watch them grow... I was happy for them, but more interested in dinner if I recall and left the room to search for food.

A couple of months went by and pretty soon it was time for the boys to go to Chicago to visit their grandparents, along with their mother. Not only was I required to keep up with all of the animals, take care of a litter full of rapidly growing Great Dane puppies, work a full day at my job, but I was to make sure that the Gerbils were fed on a very strict schedule. It was probably the very first day that I realized how inefficient it was to have the Gerbils separate with one in the ghetto cage while the other one had all of the luxuries, so I took the little Gerbil out of the little cage and gently put him into the cage with his new roommate. I fed them as instructed and went about my business.

The following day, when I got home, the 2 cats had run off and I wasn't sure how I was going to explain that. While the kids were there to entertain the kitties, who were pretty young also, they stayed, but when the kitties realized the kids weren't around, they took off looking for greener pastures. I went ahead and fed my zoo of animals and made sure everyone had plenty of fresh water. Then I went into the house to feed the dogs and finally went upstairs to feed the Gerbils. When I entered the room, there was a certain hush that came over me. As I walked closed to the maze I could see the one Gerbil sitting and eating from it's little bowl, but the second Gerbil was nowhere to be seen. As I moved closer, I realized he was laying directly under the long tube that went from the second floor down to the first floor and he wasn't moving. A chill of terror ran down my spine and I moved ever so slowly towards the maze. His head was completely missing!!! How did this brutal murder take place? Who is the murderer? My first thought was to interrogate all of the witnesses, but she wasn't talking. More importantly, how was I going to explain Starsky's disappearance to my 5 year old son, Brad? Here is what I suspect happened. The two Gerbils got into a fight on the second floor. They wrestled around for awhile and suddenly the female pulled a gun and shot Starsky in the heart. She then cannibalized him as he screamed, "Hey, you don't have to bite my head off"!!! But she did, then she dragged his limp, headless body to the tube and dropped him down, to try to make it look like a suicide..

Here was my plan to trick Brad into thinking everything was fine. I needed a stunt double! I needed a Gerbil to impersonate Starsky, so I headed back to K-Mart to try to pull this masquerade off. I found what could have been the spitting image of Starsky, particularly after applying a little of my wife's make up to his eyes. He was an exact duplicate of his dead predecessor. I told the kid that worked in the small animal department what happened and he asked me, "You didn't introduce a male into a female's living quarters, did you"? Because if you do, the female will bite his head off. (I thought I knew a few women that would do the same thing, but I kept that to myself.)

So off I went with the stunt double to try to pull this charade off. The day finally came when it was time to pick up my family at the airport and the very first thing out of Brad's mouth, before he even said hello was, how are Starsky and Hutch? Fine, just fine, they've been asking about you too. Brad giggled and we drove home the 30 minute ride. I opened the front door and Brad went bounding up the stairs to his room and the very first thing he did was rush to the little cage that he thought housed Starsky. He reached in and almost in slow motion, I watched his face as he realized that this was an impostor! Slowly I watched his face wrinkle up into crying position that only a 5 year old child can do. I watched the tears form in his eyes and his mouth open wide letting out that first scream and it went like this. "This isn't Starsky, what did you do with him?" Whaaaaaaaa........

I took him in my arms and held him for awhile and I explained the truth. Starsky was a lot older than we thought and he died peacefully in his sleep and I had a formal funeral for him and all of the other animals attended and we'll remember him always and here is the NEW Starsky. Brad stopped crying and looked up at me and asked, "Why does he wear make up"?


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Dating Slump...

The dating guy seems to be in a slump. Don't misunderstand. I've got plenty of women that are currently interested in me, but I'm just not into it. Here are the ones that I haven't yet met.
First there is MJ. MJ is 52 and a widow, long blond hair and quite attractive. We spoke on the phone for quite some time and seemed to get along well. We wrote up and back for a time and then she seemed to stop. Then I got an email from her saying that she's rethought about the dating scene and decided not to forward with it. Fast foreward 10 days and I get another email from her saying she's back online and would like to get together if I'm still interested. Out of curiosity I wrote her and asked why she dropped out to begin with. She explained that she had been dating a gentleman that threatened her if she didn't see him exclusively.. Hmm.. Now I'm a little nervous about being the victim of that murder scene...

Next we have Mara. Mara is a pretty blond haired lady originally from Minnesota, but lived in Beverly Hill for quite a few years with her husband, that was 10 years her senior. We get along, I'd say, real well. We're on the same page on most subjects and in spite of her telling everyone she was 53, she turned out to be 59. If she looks like her picture, I don't care if she's 109, she looks HOT. She left yesterday for Park City, Utah for the week and will return this weekend.

Then there is Marsha. There is a new feature on my dating service and you can now see who has marked you down as a favorite. I checked it and there was Marsha that had found me and evidently liked me. I was her private secret, or she thought. I wrote to her saying that I see you marked me as a favorite, when are you going to let me know about it? She replied just one word at first, "Busted". Here's a problem, I'm not thrilled with Marsha's looks. She's a redhead and I've never been fond of that hair color on most women. She just started a position at Scottsdale Culinary Institute as a recruiter. She wrote tonight wanting to just meet and have coffee, but I suggested we speak on the phone first. Here is my reason for that.

There was a really pretty lady named Debbie that contacted me and I chatted with online for a couple of days. We got along great. She was clever and brought a pretty creative part of me out. Then we spoke and she was rude, awkward and plain mean. She was so self-absorbed that it almost hurt. To say that I'm not interested in going one step farther with her would be kind.

So, I've got plenty on my plate, I just don't feel like eating.

The Non-Dating Guy

Monday, July 21, 2008

Actually Meeting, "The Fonz"...

When I got home today, Oprah was on the TV that I leave on for the Dynamic duo. I'm not sure if they like that show, but they never complain. To my surprise, I heard the voice of an old friend of mine, but one that I don't stay in touch with. It was Henry Winkler.

In 1980 or so, I was freshly divorced and had met my first girlfriend, a Jewish lady named Marsha. Marsha was the typical JAP. Long fake nails, always on display, freshly done coif from the neighborhood beauty parlor, tighter than she could stand to wear jeans with a designer emblem on the pockets and to add insult to injury, she was from this country's East coast and had the accent to prove it. The word "materialistic" got lost on Marsha and she took it to another level.

One weekend a group of us decided to all go to Slide Rock in beautiful Sedona. Oddly enough, on that same trip, we saw Peter Falk driving a rented station wagon headed in that direction too. When we passed him, someone yelled out, it's Peter Falk and we started honking and he acknowledged us with a friendly, one eyed, wave back. It was really him! We continued our trek North and finally arrive at Slide Rock, about 110 miles away from Phoenix. We parked in the parking lot of the state park and had to descend down the rocks to the river that hits rocks and forms a natural water slide to the next plateau. When Marsha saw where were going she whined, I caaan't climb down there in my heeeeels, whaaaaa..... She decided to wait in the car above for us and frankly I enjoyed the break from her whining.. That left about 5 of us enjoying the most beautiful of sights... If you ever get a chance to see Sedona and Slide Rock, take advantage of it, it's worth the effort. I walked along alone for a time while my friends were enjoying the sights, when suddenly I saw a guy that looked familiar to me. At first I thought I knew him from high school and approached him. I walked up to him and said, I know you from somewhere.. He, never breaking stride said, I know you do. I said, is it from high school, I went to Niles Township High School. He said, no it's from television, as he continued to walk. Suddenly, a rush of thoughts went through my mind and when they all stopped, I screamed, "You're the Fonz"! He was walking with a young boy about 9 or 10, probably his son. He smiled and said, yes I am. I then told him if he shook hands with me, I wouldn't tell anyone else. He smiled and reached out his hand. We shook hands and I kept my part of the bargain for about 30 seconds until I got back to my friends..

A little while later, I climbed up the hill to the parking lot and miserable Marsha. I told her of my discovery and she was starting to tell me she didn't believe me, when Henry Winkler's head popped up over the hill as he and his son were going to their car. She couldn't contain herself and yelled, "Hoi Henry, weee're Jewish too"!!! Cringing from embarrassment, I sank into the driver's seat and waited for our friends and headed back to Phoenix. I couldn't wait to get home, so I could call my boys and tell them who I met. I don't think I ever saw Marsha again...


How Bogie Got His Name...

I moved here in 1974. U-haul, furniture packed to the hilt, a 3 day drive from bustling Chicago. Family arrived 3 days later and it was about 12/20. On the 23rd of December, I found myself at Sky Harbor waiting for flight number 212 to land. Half way through the deplaning process, a rather short, disheveled woman holding a child's hand and carrying a 1 year old walked up to me, kissed me and said, "We made it"! Immediately I recognized these 3 as my family. I hugged the wife and older son and took the baby from her arms. He looked me right in the eye and said, Harvey's house has snow"... This was Brads first sentence ever and he was telling me a story at which point he never stopped talking. Harvey was his grandfather in Chicago. Next he said he wanted Dutchie, Harvey's Doberman who evidently really impressed Brad. I told him we'd get Dutchie and the following day, we did. I answered an ad in the paper and not knowing the area, drove to somewhere in South Phoenix and bought a puppy from a man that was running a puppy mill. We were told that the puppy had had all of it's shots, but within 2 weeks that poor little puppy was dying from distemper. I remember sitting up all night with Dutchie while she cried in pain, waiting for the vet to open where she was immediately put down. Horrible experience. Being young and naive, I still trusted in people and this time we answered an add for a Great Dane puppy and came home with Dutchess #2, a $35 female. At some point we decided to get Dutchess a companion and when I saw an ad for a 1 year old Fawn, Great Dane, I drove to the gentleman's apartment. I vaguely knew the guy from somewhere and we bonded. I bought his Dog, a male Great Dane that could jump up to the ceiling of this little apartment and I could see that the guy really loved the dog, but was getting divorced and needed to sell him. I happily bought Bogie number 1. Bogie and Dutchess got along great. It was love at first sight and eventually gave us 24 puppies in 3 litters. All wonderful, all healthy. Suddenly divorce raised it's ugly head and this time it was our house. After being here in AZ for over 5 years, my wife and I decided to go our separate ways. She went to Chicago with the kids and I stayed here, but in order to sell the house, I needed to get rid of the dogs. I had no choice but to give them away to a family that would keep them together. Shortly after that, Bogie died of a heart attack and Dutchess ran away. The guilt was horrible and I tried everything to locate Dutchess, but no success. Years went by and at some point a girlfriend moved in with me and we bought Bogie number 2, but he was more or less her dog and when we split, he went with her. In 1996, I remarried and wed a lady that had never been married and was without children. I had had a vasectomy by then and she wanted children. After discussing the reversal with my doctor, he convinced me that not only is it unlikely that it would successfully reverse, but it would be very painful, expensive and do I really want to start raising another family at that age? I went home and asked my new wife if she'd like a puppy and along came this Bogie! Bogie is my best friend, confidant, and life partner. He is by far the best Bogie I've ever had and it just kills me to see him age like he has. Oddly, I overheard him say the same thing about me!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Double Date...

Today was a big day for the Dating Guy. Two dates in one day. I haven't attempted that since I was in my teens. You have to be in shape to handle two different women and do everything right. For example, there's the name to remember. Nothing ruins a romantic date like calling Ethyl, Bertha! Particularly after the lights go out.

Today's agenda started with Ellen a 51 year old Jewess that gave great phone, but when push came to shove, she wasn't my type. She lived in a place called Surprise, AZ. When I got there, after a lengthy drive, I learned how the town earned it's name. Whew, was she ever ..................average. I loved her down to Earth personality, but her appearance took me aback. Some things don't show up in pictures, like freckles over every inch of her body. He 5' 9" height took her up to my height with those 3 " heels at lunch. Her hair was super fine and straight as an arrow and her teeth were a pleasant shade of tan.

On the way to her house, that was just East of California, I passed places I'd only heard of. Like Dysart Rd, Litchfield Rd., Sun City and so forth. When I got to her house, she was out in front having an argument with her landlord and her little dog was going berserk inside. When the landlord left, she finally acknowledged my presence and invited me in where her dog, who she explained is on Prozak tried to bite me twice, but couldn't get a good hold of my bare leg. We headed out for Chinese food and she never touched hers, taking it home in it's entirety. I may have upset her stomach.

When we got back to her house, I asked to use her restroom, but what I was really doing was giving her poor little dog a second chance to build his deflated ego by biting me really good, but he was too slow again. He went to his bed to sulk. I thanked her for an interesting afternoon and split.

On the way home, I was driving right past the home of the Lovely Jules, so I thought I'd stop and brighten up her day. She opened the door yelling at me, "What are you doing here unannounced"? You could see she was happy to see me. I went in, said my hellos to Pawpaw and we goofed around for a half an hour or so, when I rudely left, as rudely as I arrived. I had to go home to feed the Dynamic Duo and get ready for date number 2 Debbie, who ironically lived in Julie's neighborhood. My gasoline bill was outrageous!

I'd been out with Debbie twice before and had been telling her about my favorite Italian Restaurant, Tutti Santi's and she was dying to try it. I drove all of the way back to where I had been a couple of hours before and arrived at about 7:30, showered and dressed. Debbie looked magnificent! She was wearing dress slacks and a top that was unbuttoned down to the goods. Her hair and make up were perfect and she greeted me with a warm, I missed you, kiss. While she sipped a glass of white wine, she snapped a few pictures of me that came out pretty good for an old worn out goat. We headed out to Tutti Santi's Italian Restorante'.

When we got there, we were well received by the new hostess and she said, Diane has asked to serve you. What a pleasant way to arrive. Someone asked to serve us. Diane is the owner's daughter, and I've known her since she was a young kid. We were seated in the Art Room, where the owner's son has some pretty wonderful paintings on display. I heard he sells them for as much as $5000. Diane was busy with a table of women that were keeping her pretty busy and a young handsome Italian lad waited on us. He looked better and sounded better than he worked. He was awful, but we didn't let him ruin our meals. Debbie ordered the veal Marsala and I had my old faithful, chicken parmigiana. The food was served after some home made soup, that was wonderful. After being hungry all afternoon, I somehow lost my appetite and had my food boxed up to take home. Probably from the anticipation of what was for dessert, wink!

When we left, I ran into Lao and he asked how everything was and I felt compelled to tell him. I told him the food was wonderful as usual, but the service was awful. I left a $5 tip on a $70 check, which is not like me. Lao acted like he was concerned, we'll see.
Debbie kindly invited me in when we arrived at her house, but being a former scout, I politely took my leave. For some reason, all I could think about was that chicken Parmigiana on the passenger side of my front seat.
Quite a day for the Dating Guy... How's that?

The Dating Guy

Friday, July 18, 2008

Search for Starbursts...

In 1972 I decided I had smoked long enough and attempted to give up cigarettes. How I did this was by replacing the nasty smelly smokes with a candy treat. Whenever I wanted to smoke, which was all of the time, I popped a little red and white Starburst candy into my mouth and was satisfied with that instead. In no time at all, I was addicted to Starbursts AND cigarettes.. I was successful for about 5 months, but I always kept a package of cigarettes on top of the fridge, just in case I couldn't take it anymore. One summer day, I had sod delivered and it had rained all week in Illinois, where I lived. The sod had been sitting for a full week and I was told that if I didn't get it onto the ground that day, rain or no rain, it would die. Wearing a bathing suite, I laid 120 yards of Marion Blue sod in the worst rainstorm I had ever seen. When I finished, I looked like one of the cave men in a Flash Gordon episode. I resembled a statue. Leaving a trail from the back door to the refrigerator, I reached up on top of the big Avocado green unit and grabbed my package of Viceroys, ripped off the top and took out a fine example of Tennessee tobacco, walked to the stove, turned on a burner and lit the cancer stick, taking in a deep breath of the tar fill horror. It made me dizzy, but that didn't stop me. By the end of the day, I had finished the pack and was out looking for a place to buy a carton.

Eventually I stopped eating the Starbursts and was just addicted to the smokes, but that's another story. Fast forward 35 years and enters the "Lovely Jules" whose house is loaded from one end to the other with candy, mostly for her employees, but each time I leave there, I'd reach into her candy bucket and withdraw a handful of Starbursts for the ride home. I think it was about 2 weeks into our relationship that I became aware of the fact that I was once again hooked on the little buggers and Jules. We stopped seeing one another when I learned she was cross dressing and hanging out at our local zoo in the monkey house, flirting with a baboon named Bobby. Again another story...

When the "Lovely Jules" learned of my addiction she would enable it by buying me Brach's Starbursts by the truckload. In LJ's absence, I was down to my last little piece of candy when I began my search. I couldn't even eat the last one, as it was my sample. I needed it to show to the employees of the various stores I visited. I started with Target and walked me feet off looking for an employee that could direct me. Finally I found a girl stocking boxes and asked her. Without breaking her stride, she replied, next isle. I went there and sure enough, they had them, but the wrong brand. I NEED Brach's!

That's when I called a world renowned candy expert that I had the privilege of knowing and she said, it was either Kmart or Walgreens that carries Brach's. I thought I heard a baboon in the background, but I'm not sure. I headed out in the direct of the Super Kmart that was only a few miles away. I tapped a little fat girl on the shoulder and she turned around and lisped the reply, "yeth, may I help youths"? As the drool dripped down her chin, I noticed that she had a spike running through the middle of her tongue preventing her from speaking properly and wondered what genius talked her into doing that for him. She replied, "I wanna thay, isle 3".. So I was off to isle 3 but no Starbursts were to be seen. Approaching a different girl, I asked again. Now remember I've walked about a mile by now. She said it was in isle 1, closed her register and brought me to isle 1 and presented me with wintergreen Starbursts. I showed her my sample and everything and she still screwed it up. You never have to wonder why they are working at Kmart, do you? Then she looked me straight in the eye after looking both ways and said, Walgreens carries Starbursts by Brachs. I thanked her and left.

I entered Walgreens with the best of intentions and found every brand of Starbursts BUT Brachs. They even had fat free, sugar free ones. Without saying a word, I left and headed to Albertsons where I knew I could score some, but they don't have the bagged up ones, you have to take them and they charge you by the pound. I grab a bag and start to fill the plastic container with candy, taking almost all that they had. I walked to the only cashier that was open and she was free. She weighed my purchase and smiled and said, $5.02. I handed her a 5 dollar bill and reached into my bag of Starbursts and gave her one back saying, that should make us even. She smiled, popped the Starburst into her mouth and said, have a good day... I only have one NOTHING easy?


Thursday, July 17, 2008

Back to Work...

We both knew what happened last night would never again happen, yet it did. I certainly wasn't expecting it and when it happened, I was as surprised as anyone. We both knew better, yet that didn't stop us either. I guess when the urge is there, it's like an itch that needs to be addressed. For the most part, I was asleep during the entire thing too. Bogie pooped on the billiard room floor.

I couldn't sleep last night. Although I knew what was keeping me up, I couldn't do anything about it. It was just one of those nights that you cannot fall asleep. I watched a movie about scary stuff until 5 AM and tried again, but merely dozed off into a surface sleep. Shortly after 3, I was sitting at the computer surfing different things and Bogie came staggering out of the bedroom rubbing his eyes and had that lost look, like why aren't we sleeping? He walked over to me and laid his big head on my lap reminding me of a little boy awakened with a bad dream. I hugged him and told him I loved him and he went to sleep on the sofa while I pounded away on the keys of the computer writing an email to a lost love. A tear ran down my cheek as I realized that my email was written to the past.

Well, my retirement seems to be over for the time being. Paul called me tonight to tell me two things. First that every time he calls my cell phone he gets a fast busy signal and that it's been that way for a couple of weeks. Second, he asked how much I need for one of the cars on my front line that his daughter showed an interest in. I told him and he asked if I would accept 5 months of free rent for it. I thought about it and it was a win/win situation and told him yes. I'd had that car for about 3 years and it wasn't getting any more valuable, so I guess I'm back in business for time being anyhow, minus one car.

The dating service had been rather kind to me of late, but I'm not in the mood to pursue anyone currently. I think I just need a brake for a while...

In case you haven't noticed, I'm a 3 dot guy... Some people like a lot of dots, but not me...............................................................................................

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The End of an Era...

It was a rather expensive ride today, going to my car lot to resign as owner and CEO. I drove my Expedition for the last time, probably. Who can afford to drive a car that only gets 15 miles per gallon with today's gasoline prices. Now that's a luxury. Paul was in his usual spot, under one car or another with his usual entourage of onlookers. I suspect his productivity would increase by double if he just dissuaded some of his fans from stealing his attention during work hours, but that is no longer my problem. I danced around for a while, waiting for the fan club to disperse a little and finally asked Paul if he could help me for a minute on a private matter. Paul's garage reminds me of the general store in any old Western town where everyone congregates.

I walked Paul over to a shady spot on my side of the property and explained that as things are as they are, I'm not going to be able to continue paying him rent any longer and I was going to stop last month, but decided to at least give him a few weeks notice. Surprisingly, Paul seemed like he was expecting it and took it like a businessman instead of what I was expecting. I expected him to throw a tantrum like the last time I told him I was leaving.

I moved to this valley about 35 years ago and went directly into the car business when I realized my clothing experience wasn't going to be capable of supporting my family and me here, and it has been good. I survived, earned a healthy living and never had to "want" for anything. I always maintained my own hours, worked when I wanted to and played when I didn't want to work, but always paid my bills and lived a comfortable life. No complaints. A dead horse has never gotten up and run after a beating and the car business has experienced a beating the like that no one has ever seen. The greed that took place in the real estate market with lenders going insane has had the trickle down effect on the automobile business. People are having to sell their extra cars to pay for their homes and soon they lose them too. As a dealer, I can't sell a car cheaper than a man that needs to feed his family with the sale of his car. I throw in the proverbial towel and thank everyone who helped me along the way..

The Retired Guy

Monday, July 14, 2008

We are the Champions...

Well, this has been a really big day for the dating guy. I haven't won an argument, disagreement, fight or battle since the first day I laid eyes on the first person that looked different than a man, and namely a woman. I just always lose. Today that all changed for me. I now have joined the ranks of the people known as winners! That's right, I AM A WINNER! Say it loud and say it proud. Here's how it all culminated.

The phone rang bright and early this morning and awakened me to an African-American woman screaming into my ear piece, "Mista Visha, you potassium levels are high and you gonna have ta go and get you blood rechecked to see ifin it's right"! After gathering my thoughts and determining that this is NOT a really harsh dream, I replied, "Why don't we just assume the levels are correct and give me the medicine that I use to lower it"? This is not the first time this has happened. This time, screaming into her mouthpiece, I can almost see her head going from side to side and using that single finger up in the air, she tells me as loudly as possible that my doctor is overseas and she can't call him to see if that's okay. Again my mind is required to read between the African-American lines and determine she is trying to legally cover her ass. If I die between now and when my doctor returns from his monthly vacation to Romania. She can say to the judge that she was trying to determine if the reading was correct. This time, with my deepest, most authoritative husky morning voice, I ORDER her to have another doctor from the 45 doctor staff, call me please. She hung up on me. Twenty minutes later, a woman with a Hispanic accent calls me and says, Dr. Jones ordered you the medicine you requested, what is the number of your pharmacy?..................... Win Number 1!!! Yes....

I had a charming day, chatting with perspective dates for the dating guy, after a quick trip to Costco to get the Dynamic Duo food for the next few weeks. At some point I checked my mail and there was a letter from American Express, not a bill, not an advertisement, but a real letter and it was addressed to me. Because I didn't bring my reading glasses to the mailbox, it's futile to try to read it right there, like the neighbors that park their big SUVs blocking the mailbox and reading their mail (pet peeve #34304948).

If you read yesterday's post, you know that some months ago, I ordered Viagra online and the Chinese company that masqueraded itself as Canadian Pharmacy, took my $150 that I cheated out of perspective car buyers and extracted it though my American Express credit card. I in turn received funny looking little pills that were misshapen and had the word "VAG" written on them in a clear plastic bag. According to the waiter at my favorite Chinese Restaurant, they were vitamins and to only take one... I contested this charge with AE and today I received the letter that I've been waiting for, declaring me the WINNER! They agreed with me and the money has been transferred back into my account. Win Number 2!!! Yea!!!!!!

The Dating Guy

Sunday, July 13, 2008

I Popped My Cherry...

She called me from my front door and asked how she can get into my house. I told her to ring the bell, that usually does it. That was my first date's way of telling me she had arrived at her destination, my house. By the time I made it out the garage, she was already there checking out my Corvette and me. She introduced herself as Joey, my short, fat, broad shouldered, breast reduced date. I said, hi and we didn't really progress from there. I kind of liked some of the things Joey had to say about life, but she was a staunch Republican that thought in her tunnel vision world that things were just fine. We discussed politics for a short time, but I felt my blood pressure rising and decided to bring her into the house for the Dynamic Duo to cover in Dane spit. We discussed briefly what to wear and shorts were the answer, only she showed up in black spandex Capri pants and an evening top to match. I looked like I was on my way to a picnic and she was going to a cocktail party. Oh well.

After washing as much drool off of her as possible, she disclosed that her breast reduction looks good in her outfit and do I like the way her neck doesn't sag anymore. Me knowing full well that my personal gullet looked like that of a turkeys after napping in a rainstorm with his head straight up and mouth opened.

Joey drove a brand new 2008 Corvette, white with tan leather, a really pretty car. She lives in an apartment close to me and drives a car that has a $900 monthly payment and does drug research. I think she felt a little intimidated when she saw all of my cars laying around the house, particularly when I told her that the one parked on my back patio was paid for. We left for lunch. She decided to drive and tried her best to show off during driving, but she still drove like a chick. When we got to my favorite Chinese restaurant, we sat in the car while she told me of all the options she ordered on her car, in spite of the fact that I just spent the last 35 years in the car business. In my pocket, I had a little secret that I wasn't sure I wanted Joey to know about.

A few months ago, I purchased though the Internet some Viagra pills at a great price. The company hammered my credit card and then shipped the pills that came from China and it was explained that they were from Pfizer of China. I had a hard time believing they were real and have been contesting the charge with my credit card company, but so far no results. I took it upon myself to take the pills to my favorite Chinese restaurant to ask my old buddy, the owner if he read Chinese, seeing as he was Chinese and had the accent. He said, sure what you want me to read? Well, you never saw a Chinese guy dance around a topic so badly, once he realized what I told him they were supposed to be. Bottom line, he says they're vitamins and not to take more than one!

Well, of course Joey gave me 5 full minutes of how Viagra are bad for you and they have horrible side effects. Evidently, SHE never went around NEEDING vitamins!

When the check came, Joey insisted on paying it, asked me if I wanted to drive her Corvette home and I dropped me off in front of my house. That part was pretty good. All and all, I wasn't the least bit attracted to Joey, but I did have a pretty good time and got a free lunch and found out to toss my silly pills. Humph, pretty good date and I didn't even have to kiss her!

Dating Guy

Friday, July 11, 2008

Wanted, Reliable Pool Service...

Along with gasoline, food, and just about everything in our lives, the price of pool chlorine has just about doubled in recent time. Now if you don't own one of these drains on humanity, first consider yourself lucky and second, please enjoy the savings. Somewhere in our pasts, someone created the image of success, floating around in your backyard pool, but in reality I've literally gone years without it getting me even wet. It's something that requires maintenance on a regular basis that has a really bad return on the effort put into it. You can spend an afternoon cleaning it and just waiting for the next Monsoon to dump half off your yard back into it. That brings me to the events of tonight.

Yesterday, I put fresh chlorine in my pool that I purchased at Costco for $85 for 40 LB. That's a little over $2 a pound. In past years, the same Costco would put it on sale for $40 for the 40 LB pale, again proving me theory that it's doubled. I filled my little floater and put an extra 3" tablet in my skimmer for good measure and went about my business. Today I dealt with work issues and having to be home for the AC repair guy, but couldn't be in both places at the same time, to the AC guy's dismay. Tonight it stormed one of our desert storms. We call them the Monsoon and they last from late June until mid September. Sometimes we lose power and other times it's just the cable that goes out, like tonight. The dogs get all fidgety and upset, the lightning strikes go on for hours and it rains like we ought to be building an ark. This is when the big dog needed to go outside and do his business. I knew he had to go, but he'd just stand outside the door contemplating his next move and then chicken out and come back inside. Finally, after the third time, I decided to go with him, that's what he wanted to begin with. So, as I stood there with the rain pouring down on me, coaxing him to finish his business, I looked over and saw my $85 worth of chlorine with the lid off, filled with rain.. The bucket was filled to the top and I had to move fast, as while I contemplated what to do to address this problem, my valuable chlorine was dissolving into the water. I carefully took the 40 LB of tablet out of it's soup and piled them up in the rain. Then, where do I throw the contaminated water? Duh, how about the pool? I pured the expensive mix into the water, where it was designated to go to begin with and replaced the tablets into the wet bucket. When I finished this task, I thought to myself, I'd better get rid of my pool boy and then I remembered, that's me!

Be sure to come back tomorrow for the story about landscaping!


Wednesday, July 9, 2008


I sat here at the kitchen table eating a leisurely breakfast when suddenly the computer alerted me of a new email. It was from my long lost friends at Black and Decker, more specifically, a lady name Alicia. It went on for a full paragraph about the holiday weekend and how embarrassed they are that they didn't get back to me sooner and Friday everyone was off for the 4th. Then, it asked for 3 specific numbers pertaining to my grilled drill and I was happy to supply them as soon as I finished my scrambled eggs. I don't think 10 minutes went by and I get another email telling me that my new battery and charger were in the mail and to expect them in 7 to 10 working days. Now I have to find a place to work until it all gets here!

Then it was off to the car lot to bake in the 111 degrees while I washed about 8 cars. Feeling like I was going to pass out, I advised my mechanic that I didn't have the strength to roll up the hose and if he wanted it rolled up, he was going to have to do the rolling. I got into my Toyota and rolled out of there enjoying the air conditioning and hoped I wouldn't pass out on the roll home. It was almost 3 PM when I stopped at McDonalds for a burger and a heartburn and came home to 2 very hot dogs. It seems that I left the air on 76 and it froze up on me, producing a very efficient ice machine instead of an air conditioner. Wolfing down my would be lunch, I ripped out the air filter and took it outside and washed it out. About 3 years ago, an over ambitious repairman sold me this washable filter for an amazing $50 and to prove that I was dumber than he, I bought it. I put the clean filter back in and nothing, no help. Next I called a friend and she told me of the repairman that "cleaned her filter" earlier this week, however being a man, I chose to call Phil first. Phil didn't answer, so I tried a few things myself. I took the cover off of the air handler and saw that the condenser was frozen solid, not allowing air to flow through the coils. I got my trusty hair dryer out and stood there for about 20 minutes defrosting it. I put it all together and fired her back up and still nothing. I was finally time to call the number this lady gave me. Pinnacle AC answered on the 12th ring, I was about to hang up. A friendly man said hello and I asked if he knew anything about AC. He said, no. I assumed he was the answering service when he started laughing. He explained, of course he does, what can he help me with. I told what I had, I told him what I did and then he asked me if I'd called Phil. I said, yeah but he didn't answer. He told me to turn off the unit, turn the fan on only, in fact if I can get the heat to come on that would even help for about 10 minutes. There is something sacrilegious about having a hot house and turning on the heater, but I did it. This was to defrost the coils that I used the hair dryer on. He told me that will ruin a hair dryer and that's about all it will do.

I just checked, it's almost 9 PM and the temp is 82 down one degree. Who knows, this might get me through the night?

He's coming here tomorrow to check it out for me.......... $$$$$$$$$$$$$.

Hot Mel

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Is There a Full moon?

Last night there may have been a full moon, I didn't check. I received a number of emails on one of my new dating services. One, was a woman named Robin that had written to me before and looked pretty cute. I had offered her my email address as opposed to trying to write within the perimeters of the service. I always feel like some in censoring what I write on those things. She answered that I seemed like a great guy, but she's more comfortable if I just gave her MY phone number and she'd call some time today. Since I have nothing to hide, I agreed to that. Shortly after that, I received another email saying that if I wanted a woman that wasn't a slut, I'd better change my profile. It was from a 54 year old crabby old woman that misinterpreted something I had written. To avoid conflict, I changed some words around and cleared things up, then wrote her back, thanking her for bringing it to my attention. She replied a second time telling me I was a liar and that all men think with their genitals. Without replying, I blocked her from harassing me again and thought, "Gee, I wonder why this one is alone"????

After another interrupted night, racing Bogie to the back door to let him out before he explodes, I was awakened at 7 AM by a phone call from unknown number, unknown name. I hate those, so I picked up the phone and dropped it back down on it's cradle to stop the annoying ringing. The caller phoned right back and asked if I were Max. I had a grandfather named Max and I have a grandson named Max, but I explained as briefly as possible that she had the wrong number, anxious to get back to my dream of Jennifer Anniston begging for a night alone with me. That's when she screamed, MEL. I said, yes who is this? She explained that she is Robin with a youthful energetic voice. She asked if she woke me and of course I said yes. She asked if I wanted her to call me back a little later and I replied, only if you want me to make sense. She agreed to call back later and did.

I got up then and around 10:30, this unknown caller rang me again. I answered, Hello, this is Max speaking. She actually asked for Mel. I explained that I was just having a little joke with her when I noticed the strongest New York accent I had ever heard and I've talked to RANDI too.

After that, I had a little New york accent fun and explained in a nice way that she still has a very strong accent, in spite of the 8 years she's been here in AZ. She argued that it was gone and all I could think to say was, yeah! That's when I heard the statement that made me never want to ever hear her speak to me again. She said, "Okay, enuff wit da New Yawk accent awready"... I immediately told her I had another phone call and maybe she an call me another time and promptly hung up. So much for Robin, huh?

The Dating Guy

Monday, July 7, 2008

I Put Out the Fire, but Now I'm Really Burning...

As exciting as my last story was, I thought it only fitting and proper to give you the follow-up. Black and Decker boasts of returning your email within 24 hours "unless" you are asking for something for free. It seems that they had no problem when I bought their stupid power screw driver, but as soon as things don't go their way, they want nothing to do with me. I got no response with the exception another email saying they received my first email and would reply promptly, but they don't. Currently I'm on break from gathering all of the items I have in my home that are from Black and Decker, putting them in a big box and preparing to toss them in the garbage, before they ignite my house on fire.


My New HD TV...

Yesterday was another hot one, here in the "Valley of the Sun". I'm not sure what the temperature rose to, but I do know it was pretty hot around here. After floating around on my $3 raft for about 20 minutes, I felt my skin begin to burn and decided to end this wonderful form of relaxation. Yawning, I swam rigorously to the steps, about 4 feet away. Slowly and methodically climbing up the 3 steps, I was careful not to lose my make shift bathing suit, a pair of old boxers that I found from years gone by. I dried off and showered and looked for trouble to get into. Ah, my 61 inch TV could use a cleaning, so I proceeded to dismantle it, as I've done several times before. These are projection TV's and I read somewhere that for best results, you should take off the screen and clean the mirrors and the 3 lights inside at least once a year. Mine was way overdue. Pulling off the border that I knew was held on by clips, I exposed the 16 screws that held the plastic mesh screen in place. This was a job for my power driver! I keep it in the laundry room, because the last one was out in the garage and got stolen.

First, I had to charge the ever dead battery and clip it onto the drill/driver. I approached the TV and started removing the screws. Suddenly, the power pack fell off the drill and hit the tile floor. No apparent damage, however. I clipped it back on and from that point on I had to hold it in place, so as not to have it fall off again. The plastic clips that hold it in place had both broken off. Oh, well! I finished the job, cleaned the mirrors and the 3 bulbs and suddenly I had HD TV!

I put all of my tools away and began to get hungry. I plugged in the battery into it's charger and started to defrost a steak. Costco sells restaurant quality meats at grocery store prices. I cracked off a NY Strip and began the defrosting process. One minute on each side in the microwave at full blast usually does the job. I scrubbed up a potato and pretty soon I was ready to light the outside grill. With my potato cooking in the toaster over, I had about 15 minutes left on it when I fired up the gas grill. Cooking the steak to perfection, I noted that I always over cook it when I have company, probably from socializing. I took the sizzling steak off the grill, blood ran out indication of a rare New York Steak. Put my potato on my plate and buttered it up. I was ready for a feast and a feast it was for this Dating Guy. As I took the first bite, I sat back and literally savored that first wonderful bite with all of the aromas being sucked up through my waiting olfactory system. Strangely, I heard a popping noise and assumed it was one my dogs chewing something in the crate, another wonderful bite and more crackling or popping noise. Still thinking nothing of it, I continued to eat, wouldn't you? Then, when I realized that Bogie was about an inch from me waiting for me to drop the steak on the floor and Zoie was on the couch on the other side of me, that noise was coming from somewhere else. Getting up, I made the 2 dogs promise not to eat my steak and went looking for the noise. When I got closer to the laundry room, I realized the noise was coming from there and went in to see the battery charger and battery in flames. My first reaction was to unplug it and I did so, next I needed water. I have a small refrigerator on the shelf in there left over from an old business that I had. I opened it up, unscrewed a bottle of water and put out the fire, praying that it didn't ruin my counter and that the dogs didn't eat my steak. I lucked out. No other damage was done, just the loss of my Black and Decker battery charger and battery and the dogs took heed on my steak!

Then I started doing the "what if's" and "could have's" and decided to write an email to Black and Decker and ask for a free battery and charger. I haven't heard back yet, but be warned about leaving things plugged in and unattended. "What if" I were asleep? It "could have" burned the house down!


Sunday, July 6, 2008

And the Winner is...........

It's a Sunday morning, one of my favorite times of the week. I don't really know why. When I was married, my wife would go to church with her Catholic family and I'd have this time to myself, to do with as I saw fit. No discussions, this was my time. As I sit here listening to the Acoustic storm on the radio, I reflect on certain things that were happening in my life when Bob Seeger was popular in the late 70's and early 80's.

Next my mind wandered off to what I had done yesterday. My day was fairly full of errands and obligations, a haircut and some work around the house. I went to the local feed store to get MSM for my poor ailing pup. then a call to Ernie, my barber who told me something I never expected to hear. He said, come right over, I'll squeeze you in.. Ernie is the same barber that has been cutting my hair for 30 years and when I was in the hospital after open heart emergency surgery, I called Ernie and asked if he could come up to the hospital at his convenience and just clean me up. I was 3 weeks without a shave and the hair in my ears was growing out over my face. Ernie told me to just wait until I'm feeling better and can climb the 23 stairs up to his studio. Afterwards, he claimed he never heard me say I was there for open heart surgery or he would have come............Sure!

So, I made it to Ernie's place in no time flat and listened to him lie to other customers about why he's running late. Usually I'm the guy that he's lying to, but this time was my turn.... From there I went to Home Depot to get some 4 foot fluorescent tubes for the kitchen and the outside patio. When I send the dogs out there, I can't find them, it's so dark with the absence of lighting. That's when I saw him!

I had just parked my car in the parking lot of this retail giant and was marveling that I think I might have gotten the best parking place in the entire lot and how lucky I was to get it. If that parking lot were completely empty, that's the spot I would have chosen, enough though. I got out of my car, locked the doors with my remote, that I love and was about 5 steps into my walk to the door, when I looked up and saw this thing walking out of Home Depot. Was it man or beast? I've never deluded myself into thinking that I was anything special to look at. Others have complimented me on my looks, but I always watch their face after, to see if I can detect the signs of lying. You know, the infamous twitching eye, or the falling to the floor in laughter? So this thing is walking towards me and the first thing I can think of to tell you is his size, he resembles a cartoon character. He's not much taller than he is wide. He's under 5 feet tall and is wearing a horizontally striped T-shirt, not a good look for his size. He's blond haired and sporting a goatee that is no less than 6 inches long on the tip of his chin, only. His hair is cut in a crew cut and his little fat arms don't move or sway when he walks. Neither do his feet, which to me is a phenomenon. He just kind of slid across the parking lot towards his transportation, which might have been a rocket ship!

Entering the Depot, my mind was no longer on bulbs, but a truly scary thought occurred to me. In the human species, we are the result of a sperm cell beating all of the other sperm cells to the egg to fertilize it. We are all the result of the most victorious best sperm that we have to offer. As a result, our offspring represents our very best work. Can you imagine what the losers on that poor fellow looked like? That's when the thought came to me. I'll bet that guy is on an Internet Dating Service!

The Dating Guy

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

The Magic of Watermelon....

The flat bottom represents the photographer's portion.

Last night I heard something on the news that really shocked me. It was a report on of all things, watermelon. I know well of watermelon and the news that I heard was both alarming and shocking. It reported that the effects of eating watermelon are the same direct effect of Viagra! I thought at first they were joking, yet no one was laughing. I pretty much forgot about it and today I started my day in the usual way. Awakened, listened to the news and got showered, dressed and went to Costco. I needed to return a bathing suite that I bought for the "Dating Guy" and underestimated the magnitude of DG's waist, pretty much by 2 inches. When the Dating Guy tried on his new dating bathing suite, he resembled a mushroom at the waist. Not a good look for DG.

As usual, Costco accepted back my bathing suite with a smile and a credit and I entered the regular store to see what was new. A mean old friend of mine had mentioned she was out of chlorine and I thought the Dating Guy might do her a good deed, but to no avail, as she had already purchased some at her Alma Mata, Fry's. So I wandered around a little bit, although I really didn't need anything. I did buy some sliced roast beef and of course the razor fiasco and as I was getting ready to leave, I noticed that there were a lot of men my age walking around with watermelons in their carts. How odd? I'd never even seen watermelon at Costco in the past, yet everyone had one. Then, as if a light bulb lit over my head, I recalled last night's news report and you don't suppose these guys just suddenly fell in love with watermelons, do you? I went back to the produce section and sure enough, men were grabbing watermelons like they were a new sport. I didn't want to feel left out, so I grabbed a nice juicy seedless one too. It wasn't until I got home that I thought to look for the warning label on it about the 4 hour problem. Don't worry, it didn't have one.... One thing I learned about watermelon that I never thought of in the past. You should NEVER eat it at home ALONE! It's really kind of nice though, you have a place to hang your napkin!!!



A Close Shave, WHEW!

Way too many years ago, I was a little boy watching my father shave. He would put a little water in a shaving cup and take out his brush and work up a good lather as he had seen his father do a generation before. Then it was time to sharpen his razor, a dangerous weapon that I was instructed NEVER to touch, years before. I took heed to that warning after seeing the damage that thing could do on my own father's face, as it was decorated with tiny pieces of toilet paper, the only cure for a shaving nick in those days.

About 10 years went by and pretty soon I myself was finally ready to shave. The old system was obsolete and a new company named Gillette was all the rage at the local drug store for shaving needs. I don't recall the name of the first cartridge blade that was set in it's own safety environment, but maybe someone out there recalls it. You either used Gillette or Schick, but you never used both. Just like you were either a Chevy man of a Ford man, you didn't switch back and forth. Me being a Gillette guy, I was allowed to use Rightguard for deodorant, Rightguard being a Gillette product, got it?

Then Gillette came out with the double safety blade and I was happy to use that for the duration of my shaving years, which by the way seem like forever. Last year I bought a 25 pack at Costco and they seemed to last me the entire year or even longer. With my new lenient schedule and of course the mandatory retirement of 05, I just don't seem to shave everyday anymore. A month ago, I went to Costco and didn't even see the double blade razors anymore. Confused, I called Barry, my friend from many years ago. He was not only my age, but also a Costco shopper. I phoned him in Florida and asked where he buys his double blade razors and he replied, Costco but they don't always have them. You have to watch for them. I watched and watched and watched some more, no double blade cartridges. Finally today, desperate, I stood there with a confused look on my face and even considered buying woman's blades if they had doubles, but they didn't. They have triple disposable razors which everyone knows to stay away from and they have the new Fusion blades that have, ready? Five blades on each cartridge, 5 of the mothers! Gillette sent me one in the mail a few months ago and it lasted forever. It lasted so long that I got tired of it, although I do have the handle left for one. Those Fusion blades were about $50 with tax. With a tear forming in my eye's corner, I took the $50 Fusion blades and put them into my cart when an older man about 80 walked up and he looked as confused as me, a month earlier. As I passed him he said audibly, no double blade razors??? When he said that, a million things went through my mind that I wanted to tell him, but all I said was, no just the five blade cartridges for $50. His voice rose at least an octave and he looked me right in the eye and said, Are you NUTS? Kind of what my own father would have said!