In 1972 I decided I had smoked long enough and attempted to give up cigarettes. How I did this was by replacing the nasty smelly smokes with a candy treat. Whenever I wanted to smoke, which was all of the time, I popped a little red and white Starburst candy into my mouth and was satisfied with that instead. In no time at all, I was addicted to Starbursts AND cigarettes.. I was successful for about 5 months, but I always kept a package of cigarettes on top of the fridge, just in case I couldn't take it anymore. One summer day, I had sod delivered and it had rained all week in Illinois, where I lived. The sod had been sitting for a full week and I was told that if I didn't get it onto the ground that day, rain or no rain, it would die. Wearing a bathing suite, I laid 120 yards of Marion Blue sod in the worst rainstorm I had ever seen. When I finished, I looked like one of the cave men in a Flash Gordon episode. I resembled a statue. Leaving a trail from the back door to the refrigerator, I reached up on top of the big Avocado green unit and grabbed my package of Viceroys, ripped off the top and took out a fine example of Tennessee tobacco, walked to the stove, turned on a burner and lit the cancer stick, taking in a deep breath of the tar fill horror. It made me dizzy, but that didn't stop me. By the end of the day, I had finished the pack and was out looking for a place to buy a carton.
Eventually I stopped eating the Starbursts and was just addicted to the smokes, but that's another story. Fast forward 35 years and enters the "Lovely Jules" whose house is loaded from one end to the other with candy, mostly for her employees, but each time I leave there, I'd reach into her candy bucket and withdraw a handful of Starbursts for the ride home. I think it was about 2 weeks into our relationship that I became aware of the fact that I was once again hooked on the little buggers and Jules. We stopped seeing one another when I learned she was cross dressing and hanging out at our local zoo in the monkey house, flirting with a baboon named Bobby. Again another story...
When the "Lovely Jules" learned of my addiction she would enable it by buying me Brach's Starbursts by the truckload. In LJ's absence, I was down to my last little piece of candy when I began my search. I couldn't even eat the last one, as it was my sample. I needed it to show to the employees of the various stores I visited. I started with Target and walked me feet off looking for an employee that could direct me. Finally I found a girl stocking boxes and asked her. Without breaking her stride, she replied, next isle. I went there and sure enough, they had them, but the wrong brand. I NEED Brach's!
That's when I called a world renowned candy expert that I had the privilege of knowing and she said, it was either Kmart or Walgreens that carries Brach's. I thought I heard a baboon in the background, but I'm not sure. I headed out in the direct of the Super Kmart that was only a few miles away. I tapped a little fat girl on the shoulder and she turned around and lisped the reply, "yeth, may I help youths"? As the drool dripped down her chin, I noticed that she had a spike running through the middle of her tongue preventing her from speaking properly and wondered what genius talked her into doing that for him. She replied, "I wanna thay, isle 3".. So I was off to isle 3 but no Starbursts were to be seen. Approaching a different girl, I asked again. Now remember I've walked about a mile by now. She said it was in isle 1, closed her register and brought me to isle 1 and presented me with wintergreen Starbursts. I showed her my sample and everything and she still screwed it up. You never have to wonder why they are working at Kmart, do you? Then she looked me straight in the eye after looking both ways and said, Walgreens carries Starbursts by Brachs. I thanked her and left.
I entered Walgreens with the best of intentions and found every brand of Starbursts BUT Brachs. They even had fat free, sugar free ones. Without saying a word, I left and headed to Albertsons where I knew I could score some, but they don't have the bagged up ones, you have to take them and they charge you by the pound. I grab a bag and start to fill the plastic container with candy, taking almost all that they had. I walked to the only cashier that was open and she was free. She weighed my purchase and smiled and said, $5.02. I handed her a 5 dollar bill and reached into my bag of Starbursts and gave her one back saying, that should make us even. She smiled, popped the Starburst into her mouth and said, have a good day... I only have one question.................is NOTHING easy?
Mel
7/18/08
Eventually I stopped eating the Starbursts and was just addicted to the smokes, but that's another story. Fast forward 35 years and enters the "Lovely Jules" whose house is loaded from one end to the other with candy, mostly for her employees, but each time I leave there, I'd reach into her candy bucket and withdraw a handful of Starbursts for the ride home. I think it was about 2 weeks into our relationship that I became aware of the fact that I was once again hooked on the little buggers and Jules. We stopped seeing one another when I learned she was cross dressing and hanging out at our local zoo in the monkey house, flirting with a baboon named Bobby. Again another story...
When the "Lovely Jules" learned of my addiction she would enable it by buying me Brach's Starbursts by the truckload. In LJ's absence, I was down to my last little piece of candy when I began my search. I couldn't even eat the last one, as it was my sample. I needed it to show to the employees of the various stores I visited. I started with Target and walked me feet off looking for an employee that could direct me. Finally I found a girl stocking boxes and asked her. Without breaking her stride, she replied, next isle. I went there and sure enough, they had them, but the wrong brand. I NEED Brach's!
That's when I called a world renowned candy expert that I had the privilege of knowing and she said, it was either Kmart or Walgreens that carries Brach's. I thought I heard a baboon in the background, but I'm not sure. I headed out in the direct of the Super Kmart that was only a few miles away. I tapped a little fat girl on the shoulder and she turned around and lisped the reply, "yeth, may I help youths"? As the drool dripped down her chin, I noticed that she had a spike running through the middle of her tongue preventing her from speaking properly and wondered what genius talked her into doing that for him. She replied, "I wanna thay, isle 3".. So I was off to isle 3 but no Starbursts were to be seen. Approaching a different girl, I asked again. Now remember I've walked about a mile by now. She said it was in isle 1, closed her register and brought me to isle 1 and presented me with wintergreen Starbursts. I showed her my sample and everything and she still screwed it up. You never have to wonder why they are working at Kmart, do you? Then she looked me straight in the eye after looking both ways and said, Walgreens carries Starbursts by Brachs. I thanked her and left.
I entered Walgreens with the best of intentions and found every brand of Starbursts BUT Brachs. They even had fat free, sugar free ones. Without saying a word, I left and headed to Albertsons where I knew I could score some, but they don't have the bagged up ones, you have to take them and they charge you by the pound. I grab a bag and start to fill the plastic container with candy, taking almost all that they had. I walked to the only cashier that was open and she was free. She weighed my purchase and smiled and said, $5.02. I handed her a 5 dollar bill and reached into my bag of Starbursts and gave her one back saying, that should make us even. She smiled, popped the Starburst into her mouth and said, have a good day... I only have one question.................is NOTHING easy?
Mel
7/18/08
3 comments:
except for the Baboon part, that was thoroughly entertaining!
LJ
I think they're called Starlight Mints.
Are you still smoking, Mel?
That Monkey lover sounds frightening!
Yes Cindi Ann, I finally quit smoking January 17th, 1988 when I woke up that morning. It was a second anniversary present for my second wife and it didn't require wrapping!
Mel
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