The Story of Starsky and Hutch...

Quite a few years ago, when my 2 sons were about 5 and 8, we lived on a Ranchette in Scottsdale, AZ. A Ranchette, at the time, was a little over an acre of land set aside for raising farm animals within the city limits, with the exception of pig, as pigs were strictly off limits. In spite of the fact that we had a horse, 5 calves, 3 goats, 14 chickens, 2 turkeys, 2 cats and 2 adult Great Dane dogs and a litter of 12 puppies, the boys wanted pets of their own that lived in their room. They needed Gerbils! One day, while I was away at work, they conned their mother into driving them to K-Mart in her green 73 Pinto wagon, later named the Gerbil Mobile. With all of the feed that we kept around the house, it was my intention to keep rodents OUT of the house, but the boys thought differently. So, when I came home one evening the boys came running up to me thrilled to tell me of their new pets, Starsky and Hutch. As I entered their room, there on the dresser was an elaborate maze, with a running wheel and a second floor and a tube that ran from the second floor down to the first floor and one tiny Gerbil in it. Next to the elaborate set up was a second cage, the one that you get with the purchase of a Gerbil and another Gerbil was in that one. The boys were thrilled with Starsky and Hutch and told me how they were going to take care of them and watch them grow... I was happy for them, but more interested in dinner if I recall and left the room to search for food.

A couple of months went by and pretty soon it was time for the boys to go to Chicago to visit their grandparents, along with their mother. Not only was I required to keep up with all of the animals, take care of a litter full of rapidly growing Great Dane puppies, work a full day at my job, but I was to make sure that the Gerbils were fed on a very strict schedule. It was probably the very first day that I realized how inefficient it was to have the Gerbils separate with one in the ghetto cage while the other one had all of the luxuries, so I took the little Gerbil out of the little cage and gently put him into the cage with his new roommate. I fed them as instructed and went about my business.

The following day, when I got home, the 2 cats had run off and I wasn't sure how I was going to explain that. While the kids were there to entertain the kitties, who were pretty young also, they stayed, but when the kitties realized the kids weren't around, they took off looking for greener pastures. I went ahead and fed my zoo of animals and made sure everyone had plenty of fresh water. Then I went into the house to feed the dogs and finally went upstairs to feed the Gerbils. When I entered the room, there was a certain hush that came over me. As I walked closed to the maze I could see the one Gerbil sitting and eating from it's little bowl, but the second Gerbil was nowhere to be seen. As I moved closer, I realized he was laying directly under the long tube that went from the second floor down to the first floor and he wasn't moving. A chill of terror ran down my spine and I moved ever so slowly towards the maze. His head was completely missing!!! How did this brutal murder take place? Who is the murderer? My first thought was to interrogate all of the witnesses, but she wasn't talking. More importantly, how was I going to explain Starsky's disappearance to my 5 year old son, Brad? Here is what I suspect happened. The two Gerbils got into a fight on the second floor. They wrestled around for awhile and suddenly the female pulled a gun and shot Starsky in the heart. She then cannibalized him as he screamed, "Hey, you don't have to bite my head off"!!! But she did, then she dragged his limp, headless body to the tube and dropped him down, to try to make it look like a suicide..

Here was my plan to trick Brad into thinking everything was fine. I needed a stunt double! I needed a Gerbil to impersonate Starsky, so I headed back to K-Mart to try to pull this masquerade off. I found what could have been the spitting image of Starsky, particularly after applying a little of my wife's make up to his eyes. He was an exact duplicate of his dead predecessor. I told the kid that worked in the small animal department what happened and he asked me, "You didn't introduce a male into a female's living quarters, did you"? Because if you do, the female will bite his head off. (I thought I knew a few women that would do the same thing, but I kept that to myself.)

So off I went with the stunt double to try to pull this charade off. The day finally came when it was time to pick up my family at the airport and the very first thing out of Brad's mouth, before he even said hello was, how are Starsky and Hutch? Fine, just fine, they've been asking about you too. Brad giggled and we drove home the 30 minute ride. I opened the front door and Brad went bounding up the stairs to his room and the very first thing he did was rush to the little cage that he thought housed Starsky. He reached in and almost in slow motion, I watched his face as he realized that this was an impostor! Slowly I watched his face wrinkle up into crying position that only a 5 year old child can do. I watched the tears form in his eyes and his mouth open wide letting out that first scream and it went like this. "This isn't Starsky, what did you do with him?" Whaaaaaaaa........

I took him in my arms and held him for awhile and I explained the truth. Starsky was a lot older than we thought and he died peacefully in his sleep and I had a formal funeral for him and all of the other animals attended and we'll remember him always and here is the NEW Starsky. Brad stopped crying and looked up at me and asked, "Why does he wear make up"?

Mel
7/23/08