Farewell to Billie Bob and Other Assorted Pests...

I firmly believe that my reclining chair is growing into my ass! While watching the news this evening, the sun had just gone down about 15 minutes earlier. I had already turned on a lamp, but had not closed the blinds yet and suddenly there is a loud knock at the front door. I'm a firm believer that it is never in my best interest to answer such a knock, it's always someone that wants something that I have no interest in giving. Be it magazines or the home owner's association rep, or a landscaping service. I would have ignored it had I not thought that he had seen me on his approach to the front door. Reluctantly, I whip open the door and there, already walking away, is a guy/kid about 20 or 22, wearing a Sears white shirt and a Sears clip on tie, as shocked to see me as I am to see him. I may have been the first person to answer the door to an abrupt knock this evening. I was immediately sorry to make his acquaintance. He introduces himself and he's with Johnson and McKenzie and how am I doing this evening. I tell him I don't know who Johnson and McKenzie is and he starts talking about retirement. (OH SHIT, I really stepped in it this time). I stop his spiel by telling him he chose a difficult way of making a living, going door to door. He explains that he loves it. I interrupt him again and explain that I'm willing to let him go pursue his dream. He doesn't take my hint and continues to discuss my personal income that I am NOT willing to discuss with him, while my front door is open and my electric bill is doubling! I can just picture him listening at his sales meeting today and trying all the things the boss instructed them on. I interrupted him yet again and said I was going to close the door now and I did. I think he left...

I wonder if it's me that is attracting all the psycho ladies? I just ran the gamut with another one from the so called weaker sex. Her name was Billie Gun, which I did not believe to be her actual name. Who names a little baby girl Billie? She claims she chose the last name but did it legally. She also claimed to be in the oil business but didn't seem to know anything about it. When I tried to question her about it, she claimed it was handed down to her from an uncle that passed away. It was left to her and her 2 sisters that she doesn't have anything to do with. She lived in a questionable part of town and spoke to me on her land line, although she had a cell phone that she says she hates. It was with AT&T and only cost her $25 a month, so she doesn't text. I used to be with AT&T and for $25 a month they don't even let you use their name! Her land line was awful and I could barely understand anything she said, however most of the things she said we not worthy of hearing. So rather than repeatedly asking what she said, I'd just agree. She also claimed that she was in some home business but has not had time to set it up in AZ.yet. Just more white noise, I didn't ask what it was. We chatted for about 2 weeks and finally I'd decided to meet her for dinner, but she really didn't eat anything. Whatever type of food I'd mention, she didn't like. I finally talked her into shrimp with broccoli, but she didn't like Chinese food, but was willing to give it a try.

Several times she told me that she was trying not to spend money, thus the texting or a new land phone was out of the question. She was a vegan....yuck! She called me one night last weekend, I think it was Friday. We had plans to meet for the first time on Saturday night, but I was less than excited already. Her only picture was 6 or 7 years old, but she claimed she still looks the same. I know I don't! She calls me to tell me to watch HBO, that Bill Mayer is on with Jerry Seinfeld and it was hysterical. I told her that I don't get HBO, that I used to get all the premium stations and they didn't make me any happier, that I only have basic cable now and I'm fine with it. She kept saying that she "bundles" with Cox Communications. I finally inquired how much her bundle costs her and when she told me $180 a month, I almost fell out of me recliner. My mind went to her savings attempt and how she doesn't have text messages on her cell plan and a shitty land line that is all fuzzy. I didn't even mention how stupid I thought she was or anything, I swear, when out of nowhere, she begins screaming at me that I don't really want to take her out to dinner tomorrow night! That she lives all alone and does the best she can and all I do is pick on her... I tell her I think it's a good idea not to talk anymore tonight and I'll call her tomorrow to firm up our plans if I still want to go...

The more I thought about it, the less I wanted anything to do with her and told her so in a polite email the following day. First I asked her to explain to me what happened and why she exploded, unprovoked, but she never replied to that. Immediately she started calling repeatedly and I refused to answer. I listened to one of her messages and in she told me that she was a clairvoyant, it was a gift she was born with. That's when I put a smile on my face that stayed for about 10 minutes.. If she were a clairvoyant, why didn't she know I thought she was nuts? My quota for psychos has been met for this lifetime and I'm good for awhile!

Bipolar and Cherry Pie...

I forgot that some people are bipolar. Unknown to me in advance, I learned that my second wife was bipolar and life with her was literally impossible, but that is not the subject for tonight's discussion. I think I've already written about that.

I was washing a few accumulated dishes when the call of nature beckoned me. I finished what I was doing and headed to the restroom. I was standing in from of the commode using it in just the fashion that the builder intended, when I heard a "chirp"! With all of the medical issues I've gone through of late, I was just praying that THAT hasn't developed a squeak. About 20 seconds later (I think) I heard the "chirp" again and was relieved in more ways than one. It was the battery in the smoke alarm that required replacement, but which one? I stood under the one in the hall and looked up at it waiting for the chirp to present itself again. Eventually it did, but it was not coming from the one that I was standing beneath. Boy, did I feel stupid standing there looking up! The only other one that I know of is in the master bedroom, too high for me to reach. First I looked for my flashlight, because I knew my step stool was outside in the backyard. Next trip is to the yard to look for the stool, only to find it soaking wet from our rain. I shake it off as best I can and bring it into the house and set it up beneath the offending smoke alarm.

Next is to find my 9 volt battery supply. Do you know where yours are? About 10 years ago, I was shopping at Costco and bought a gross of every size battery they make and keep them in a drawer somewhere. I begin searching drawers. Finding my 9 volts in a relatively short period of time and take one of the 15 or so that are still left, only to discover that it too is dead. (They don't last forever) I try another 10 or so and finally find one that still has a little breath left in it, success! Foolishly I put the other dead ones back in the container, after all they're new and maybe they'll work in a less demanding atmosphere, like a garage door opener, who knows? I put the smoke alarm back up on the ceiling and job complete, but make a mental note to buy new 9 volts the next time I'm at Home Depot.

Things on the dating services have been kind of slow. I still get the usual stream of older women 66 to 75 flirting with me but they all seem to look alike, melting! Last week one day, I received an email from a 54 year old woman that that was somewhat attractive, I'd rate her a 7. Blond hair, blue eyes, but short and her email didn't make sense. None of her emails made sense. It was as if she was writing only 1/2 of her thought and the rest stayed in her head. I replied, blaming the confusion on typos. At some point, I asked her for her cell number because certainly she spoke in full thoughts. Her spelling and grammar were good and it wasn't like she wasn't bright. At some point I called her and she was unusual to say the least. She told me a lot of very personal things in our first conversation and I pretty much decided not to contact her again. She said things like, she's looking for a man to lead, so she could follow and she doesn't like to talk but is a good listener. (I'm thinking I could have these kind of conversations by myself).

We were done! Last night I was sitting in my reclining chair devouring a piece of cherry pie, when the phone rang and it was she. What would you do? I finished the pie and called her back. I knew the pie was a win/win situation, but I wasn't sure the same of her. The very first thing that she shares with me is that she's bipolar and for 13 years, all she thought about was killing herself! Now she's on a different medication and is feeling better. Did you ever see a man try to begin running while in a reclining chair? That was me! Everything was beginning to come together for me. I was very nice and understanding, but at the same time, this is not something I want to buy into. She volunteered that the first time she made love, she was raped. Her former husband, that she was with for 10 years,  molested both of their sons and that the receptionist at her shrink's office doesn't like her. That's when she broke up with me! She interrupted me in the middle of a sentence and said that because of my age, she doesn't think it will work out. She took care of her poor ailing mother who suffered from Alzheimer's Disease and had to attend to her bathroom needs and she didn't want to have to do that with me! I said, me neither! That's when she told me that we could be friends with benefits though. I told her I'd have to give that some thought and said goodbye. Whew!