Dear Ann Landers...

"Hello

Well not Betty white... but can you still do the Horizontal Mambo? I'm a very passionate person when the relationship gets to that point. Men age differently so I'm asking. Fair question right? Janine" 

I received the above email this morning on a dating service and frankly, I don't have a clue on how to reply or if I should even reply at all. I read her online profile and in addition, she claims to be a 52 year old nurse, but pretty much covers the same point about sex to the general male population. My question to you kind people is, what if a man were to write a similar email to a lady and how would she receive it?

Dear Janine:

I see that you are divorced, but at the age of 52 many women have gone through menopause and I was wondering if we were to get involved with you, would you still be interested in having sex on a regular basis? I don't want to get involved with someone, spend my money and time on them and then learn that our relationship will only be platonic. That seems a fair question, right?

Dutch (My screen name)

If I were ever to write this to a lady, it would be after we'd met and spent some time together and had spoken at length. I thought this email was personal and invasive and made me like a piece of meat. (Do you think this is a sign of low testosterone?)

I thought of giving her references, but that would be as rude as her email to me.Then I realized I wasn't even attracted to her and gave up the thought completely, but worried that she would think I was impotent by not replying. I certainly thought that by the time I reached the ripe old age of 67, things like this would no longer be a hindrance, but life continues to shock and surprise me. 

My final question is, "Is Ann Landers still in business?"

My Jewish Phase, Final Phase

Here's a story that needs telling. I just concluded my Jewish dating phase. After being married to 3 non-Jewish women and coming from Jewish heritage, I thought perhaps I'd try women of my own faith, but it was useless. My second date with a Jewish woman just flat stood me up, making my third date with a Jewess less than desirable. But after changing my religion to Jewish from non-religious on the dating service, I attracted a number of Jewish women just on the merit of camaraderie. I made a date with Beth for pizza a couple of weeks ago and she was all gung ho. Then on that Saturday afternoon, I texted her my confirmation of our 7 o'clock date and her reply was, she'd love to, but has other plans! (Yeah, with me!) I just ignored her reply and deleted her phone number.

Enter Agnes. (not her real name, but who really cares?) Agnes is 61 and showed pretty well on her online pictures and a new member of Match.com. (I like 'em fresh) I'd seen her picture and profile on another dating service, but wrote and got no reply. She claimed she was seeing someone, but he snored, so she never replied. Now that I was Jewish and so was she, we had something in common. Agnes was 5' 4" and 120 lbs with blond hair. We exchanged a couple of emails and finally exchanged phone numbers. She called me about an hour later. We talked for about an hour and did our Jewish geography. She was from Toledo, Ohio and I from Chicago, Illinois. I'm 67 and she's 61. We both live in fairly close proximity and we're both single for over 10 years, she 19, me 11. We made a date for Friday evening and she asked where I would take her. I replied my old standard, Tutti Santi's, an upscale Italian restaurant. She seemed excited about that, commenting that she'd never been there, but was looking forward to it! Then Thursday she kind of disappeared and I couldn't reach her by phone. I called her about 7:30 and never got a return call. The following day, the same thing. Then about 5 PM on Friday, I get an email from her on Match.com, saying that her phone battery is dead and that's where she has my phone number and gave me another phone number to reach her at. I called. Here is her dilemma. She broke her glasses and has to overnight them to another state to have new ones made and she is reluctant to wear her old ones, as they're not as nice. (so far, I HATE her excuse) I don't wear glasses, but this is 2013 and I'm pretty sure you can get glasses the same day in an emergency. Honestly, I just wasn't in the mood to go out on Friday night and offered to change the date to Saturday night if she were free? She was. I made it for 7 PM and she agreed.

Now, Saturday rolled around, it always does! I sat around all day doing things around the house and didn't even take a shower until 5 PM. I proceeded to plan my attire for the evening, trimmed my beard, even used deodorant AND cologne. Now I looked okay and didn't even stink. My only problem was I was early. It was only 6 PM and I was ready to go. She had told me that her car was in the shop and I arranged to pick her up and that would take only 30 minutes at the outside. I didn't have the patience to just sit around and wrinkle my fresh shirt, so I decided to hop into the car and go to the grocery store to buy her flowers. (Flowers will get you laid!).Knowing that I was doing the right thing, I confidently walked into Fry's and looked for the florist section. There standing behind the counter was a plump 18 year old girl, at her part time job. She asked what she could help me with and I said I needed "First date flowers", she said, huh? After repeating myself, she said, "I have just the thing for you". She pulled out an assortment of dead flowers for $5. I smiled and said, I'll take 'em. Hopping into my freshly washed car, I threw the passion flowers on the floor and headed to her house.

Now, I don't have anything that resembles a sense of direction and Agnes lived in the center of a maze. If she had put cheese in her driveway, it would have helped, but no. I finally called her on one of her numbers and she answered. She said she could hear my car, I just passed her house. (How could she hear my car?) I look at the house behind me and it's completely dark, but there is in fact a woman wearing white, waving to me. Whew! I park the noisy car and approach Agnes and she seemed fine (in the dark). I was invited inside where I was greeted by the cutest little dog I'd seen in a long time. It was a Dachshund, that I'm usually not too fond of, but this one changed my mind. He was wagging his little tail so hard it wasn't even visible, just a blur. Then I looked at Agnes and I evidently got there too late. She had already begun to melt. What used to be her cheeks, were now her jowls and there was a gullet (like mine) under her chin. I know I'm sounding critical, but when a lady posts a picture that is a few years old, it's difficult to accept that this is now what she looks like, but I'm willing to accept all of that, if she is a nice person? We walked out and that was my first surprise. She doesn't lock her door. I mention it to her and she says she never does. (note to self, don't marry her).

We walk to my car and as a gentleman, I open the door for her. We drive to the restaurant and chat a bit. when we arrive, I find a spot in the handicapped parking, as a placard owner, it's legit! I got out of the car and noticed that she wasn't moving, she just sat there, not even opening her door. Was she expecting me to open it? Taking her lead, I walked over to the side of the car, primarily to see if she'd had a stroke and opened her door. She handed me her hand and smiled, as if the trained monkey had learned his lesson. That's when she explained that she insists that the gentleman open all doors for her, (OMG!).She objects to my parking place, as I can walk.(no comment). Tutti Santi's at 64th and Greenway is frickin' mobbed, but I see Lao, the owner. I've been going to this restaurant for 20 years or longer and have never had the occasion to ask for any favors. Lao greets me, as he always does and I ask if he can squeeze me in. He flatly says, no. I admire his integrity, but also need to eat. I graciously tell him I'll try another of his locations and leave with Agnes saying, "what's going on"? I explain that I didn't get any preferential treatment and we're going to head for his 59th Ave location, it's much larger and quite nice. She wasn't impressed, but I had no choice, did I? We discussed that neither of us loved the West side of town, as I had lived there for a short time and just liked Scottsdale better. We discussed her deceased husband, a lawyer and her 3 children and mine.

We arrive at the 59th Ave shopping center and honestly, I can't recall exactly where the restaurant is, but remember it's kind of hard to find. This doesn't stop Agnes from telling me where to turn, kind of like a nagging wife would act. We found it, I got out of the car and as usual, Agnes just sat there. I kind of wished it were summer, so I could stall and sweat her out! We enter though the kitchen and I think Agnes kind of liked that and we were seated by a 12 year old girl that evidently worked there. We ordered after chatting for a time and Agnes ordered a $26 piece of dead fish, sighting that she had looked up the menu online and that they offer gluten free pasta. I asked her if she were allergic to gluten and she said no, but it makes her crave sugar. Confused, I changed the topic. The reason that I wanted to go to Tutti Santi's was, I had been craving their linguine with clam sauce for a couple of weeks, so I ordered it. I did my usual joking with the wait staff when Agnes told me not to, they don't like it. At some point Agnes asked to see my driver's license and I'm sure she checked my age, when I asked for hers. She said she didn't have it.The check came and Agnes offered to pay the check, but didn't have a purse. Naturally, I paid it. I drove home slowly and asked if Agnes wanted to try Eli's to dance, but she explained that she didn't dance. Wow, that's like a monkey that doesn't eat bananas! She said we could go back to my house to talk and I thought she was wanting romance, but honestly, I just wasn't into it. We pulled into my driveway, where Agnes sat waiting for her grand exit from my car. It was really starting to piss me off! I've always enjoyed being a gentleman, but when it's ordered, it's kind of rude.

We sat next to one another for about an hour and I just wasn't feeling it, when Agnes said she had a busy day on Sunday and we packed up to take her home. We arrived at her house and all I could think about was that this is the last time I have to open the door for her. She hugged me goodnight, I gave her a peck and left. I am definitely done looking for Jewish women and will probably not even date for awhile. The following day, I remembered I had this picture of her cute pup and sent it to her. She replied with a thank you for a lovely evening and a notice of no romantic interest. Ya think?

United Health Care is without a CARE...

Is it just me or are we all living in a world of strange, unusual change? Early this year, my insurance carrier, United Health Care, contacted me to let me know that they now have a program that will cover my dental and visual needs at no additional charge, all I have to do is switch to that program. I was all for it. No additional charge and plenty of additional coverage. I bit!

The first thing that happened was, I went to local pharmacy and tried to pick up my monthly prescriptions and was told my new insurance company does not cover some of my drugs..........what??? I had to have my doctor's office write letters saying that I needed precisely that drug, not some generic equivalent. A new letter is required every 6 months. No big deal, just a little disconcerting. Then the letters and phone calls started. All of the letters are of little interest and I toss them daily into the trash. The phone calls come almost every morning and they are generated by robots, no human involvement. If I don't answer, which is my option, they repeat the phone calls until I finally return the call with a pin number and am then told by a recording, it's time to refill a prescription.........What??? All of my life, whenever it was time to refill a prescription, I would do it by noticing the little container was empty OR close to empty, I didn't need a reminder. How infuriating!

Everyday it's something with United Health Care. One day, I received a letter saying to call a certain number or to fill out the ridiculous questionnaire and mail it back to them. I decided it was easier to call and do it over the phone. I get another robot and am humiliated into answering questions of a rather personal nature to a recording. For example: Do you sometimes feel depressed and that life is not worth living and you would be better off dead? My answer was: Only when I have to answer questions to a recording! I then told the recording that I wanted to end "it's" life! Evidently, I passed the psycho test, they stopped calling anyway.

Next, they assign me a new primary care physician, right here in Scottsdale. My old one wasn't on their list of okay doctors. I try to make a call to this doctors office to get a flu shot, only to find that he or she does not have an office, he is mobile. Kind of like Meals on Wheels for health care. So, when the little girl tells me that there is no office for me to come to and the doctor does not offer flu shots, I was S-O-L! Then she starts reading off of a script and says, "Wouldn't it be nice to have the doctor come visit you?" I yelled, "Hell no" and hung up! Now it was back to UHC for a new primary care physician.

They assigned me this time to a Hollis Underwood, just around the corner from me, but once again, no flu shots. I explain that I should probably have an appointment with my new PCP, just so I can call and get referrals to other doctors, if the time comes that I need one. The very professional receptionist informs me that her first appointment is in February.. Wait, it gets better. She then tells me that in spite of the fact that I have full medicare and a supplement with United Health Care (UHC), I am still required to issue them a check for $150 annually, for administrative costs!

I instantly got so mad that words would not form in my mouth, so I did what any sane person would do and just hung up! Wouldn't you?

My Jewish (JAP) Phase...

I seem to be going though  a phenomenon known as my Jewish Phase. Here's how it all came about. I got an email from a woman named Bonnie, that was and is Jewish. Although I never met her, she remembered me and contacted me when she realized that she had a girlfriend that I might like, I didn't, but that part will come later. The woman was at the time, vacationing in a place called Canada (who goes to Canada for a vacation?) About a month later, this woman Bonnie, the wannabee matchmaker, writes me and says she showed my Plenty of Fish profile to her friend, Bertha and she liked me. Oh joy! Bertha then decided her plan of action should be, to join Plenty of Fish and await my solicitation of her profile for her to meet me for lunch or something. At this point I'm sent a photo of the lovely Bertha and I decide that she is lunch worthy. I tell Bonnie that the plan is a little on the ridiculous side and I ask for her email address. I write to dear old Bertha, age 63 and she eventually (2 days later) replies. I find her boring and pretty low key and I'm pretty doubtful as to whether we are any kind of a match, but I keep thinking, maybe she is still THE ONE!

Knowing that Bertha lives around Paradise Valley Mall, I'm trying to think of a restaurant that is near her and I immediately think of Chili's. I know that Chili's is not a wonderful place, but the last time I had been there, (10 years prior) it was suitable for a "meet and greet" lunch. We arrange to meet about 1:30, to avoid the lunch crowd. I arrived first, right on time and Bertha walked in about 30 seconds later. She was short, about 5' 2", as she had explained and very thin with red frizzy hair, wearing large dark sunglasses. The hostess looked at me and said, "two"? I said yes and she lead us towards our booth at my request, instead of a table. I motioned for Bertha to walk in front of me, as I had been taught as a child and Bertha said, "No, you go first"! Smiling, I took her arm and put her in front off me, as manners legislated. I could see that Bertha was extremely intimidated. We were seated and given menus. Bertha was still wearing her sunglasses, almost as a hiding place, when I asked if she were going to keep her sunglasses on through the entire meal? She replied, "Oh, I didn't notice" and she took them off and quietly slipped them into the bags under her eyes!!! That's pretty much when the date was over for me. Bertha was 63 and that's the age when it can go either way for a lady and evidently Bertha took the wrong direction. She had that old lady look. I felt sorry for her, but that's as far as I could go. I'm always polite, even when I'm not attracted to a lady, but can hardly feel like there is a future. That's around the time that the complaining began. I asked if there were anything on the menu that caught her attention and she replied, "come on, it's Chili's". That's when I noticed that the table was sticky and Bertha answered, "what did you expect?" I didn't answer and waited while Bertha thoroughly read the menu in search of anything that might meet her caloric requirements. After 7 or 8 minutes of dead silence, Bertha announced that she would like the flat bread and soup special. I ordered the chicken sandwich that comes with Swiss cheese and bacon, one of my former favorites. Desperate for topics to discuss, we struggled until the food finally came affording me a new topic of "How is your fricking food"? I specifically asked how the soup was, as it was packed with vegetables and she replied that it was dry! Searching for an answer, I had none! I ate my sandwich and kept my mouth as fully packed as possible at all times. Wouldn't you???

The waitress finally brought the check and I took it. Bertha quickly announced, thank you for lunch and I replied that I'm only grabbing it so I could hand it to you. The look on her face was priceless. She had that, I'm not paying for nuthin' look, when I told her I was only joking with her, it will be my pleasure. The waitress asked if she wanted to take her half eaten massacred entree home and she replied, "No, it was awful". (But free).

We walked to the door and this was the very first time in my life that I did not walk the lady to her car, I just said, see ya and got into my car and split...