Enter Agnes. (not her real name, but who really cares?) Agnes is 61 and showed pretty well on her online pictures and a new member of Match.com. (I like 'em fresh) I'd seen her picture and profile on another dating service, but wrote and got no reply. She claimed she was seeing someone, but he snored, so she never replied. Now that I was Jewish and so was she, we had something in common. Agnes was 5' 4" and 120 lbs with blond hair. We exchanged a couple of emails and finally exchanged phone numbers. She called me about an hour later. We talked for about an hour and did our Jewish geography. She was from Toledo, Ohio and I from Chicago, Illinois. I'm 67 and she's 61. We both live in fairly close proximity and we're both single for over 10 years, she 19, me 11. We made a date for Friday evening and she asked where I would take her. I replied my old standard, Tutti Santi's, an upscale Italian restaurant. She seemed excited about that, commenting that she'd never been there, but was looking forward to it! Then Thursday she kind of disappeared and I couldn't reach her by phone. I called her about 7:30 and never got a return call. The following day, the same thing. Then about 5 PM on Friday, I get an email from her on Match.com, saying that her phone battery is dead and that's where she has my phone number and gave me another phone number to reach her at. I called. Here is her dilemma. She broke her glasses and has to overnight them to another state to have new ones made and she is reluctant to wear her old ones, as they're not as nice. (so far, I HATE her excuse) I don't wear glasses, but this is 2013 and I'm pretty sure you can get glasses the same day in an emergency. Honestly, I just wasn't in the mood to go out on Friday night and offered to change the date to Saturday night if she were free? She was. I made it for 7 PM and she agreed.
Now, Saturday rolled around, it always does! I sat around all day doing things around the house and didn't even take a shower until 5 PM. I proceeded to plan my attire for the evening, trimmed my beard, even used deodorant AND cologne. Now I looked okay and didn't even stink. My only problem was I was early. It was only 6 PM and I was ready to go. She had told me that her car was in the shop and I arranged to pick her up and that would take only 30 minutes at the outside. I didn't have the patience to just sit around and wrinkle my fresh shirt, so I decided to hop into the car and go to the grocery store to buy her flowers. (Flowers will get you laid!).Knowing that I was doing the right thing, I confidently walked into Fry's and looked for the florist section. There standing behind the counter was a plump 18 year old girl, at her part time job. She asked what she could help me with and I said I needed "First date flowers", she said, huh? After repeating myself, she said, "I have just the thing for you". She pulled out an assortment of dead flowers for $5. I smiled and said, I'll take 'em. Hopping into my freshly washed car, I threw the passion flowers on the floor and headed to her house.
Now, I don't have anything that resembles a sense of direction and Agnes lived in the center of a maze. If she had put cheese in her driveway, it would have helped, but no. I finally called her on one of her numbers and she answered. She said she could hear my car, I just passed her house. (How could she hear my car?) I look at the house behind me and it's completely dark, but there is in fact a woman wearing white, waving to me. Whew! I park the noisy car and approach Agnes and she seemed fine (in the dark). I was invited inside where I was greeted by the cutest little dog I'd seen in a long time. It was a Dachshund, that I'm usually not too fond of, but this one changed my mind. He was wagging his little tail so hard it wasn't even visible, just a blur. Then I looked at Agnes and I evidently got there too late. She had already begun to melt. What used to be her cheeks, were now her jowls and there was a gullet (like mine) under her chin. I know I'm sounding critical, but when a lady posts a picture that is a few years old, it's difficult to accept that this is now what she looks like, but I'm willing to accept all of that, if she is a nice person? We walked out and that was my first surprise. She doesn't lock her door. I mention it to her and she says she never does. (note to self, don't marry her).
We walk to my car and as a gentleman, I open the door for her. We drive to the restaurant and chat a bit. when we arrive, I find a spot in the handicapped parking, as a placard owner, it's legit! I got out of the car and noticed that she wasn't moving, she just sat there, not even opening her door. Was she expecting me to open it? Taking her lead, I walked over to the side of the car, primarily to see if she'd had a stroke and opened her door. She handed me her hand and smiled, as if the trained monkey had learned his lesson. That's when she explained that she insists that the gentleman open all doors for her, (OMG!).She objects to my parking place, as I can walk.(no comment). Tutti Santi's at 64th and Greenway is frickin' mobbed, but I see Lao, the owner. I've been going to this restaurant for 20 years or longer and have never had the occasion to ask for any favors. Lao greets me, as he always does and I ask if he can squeeze me in. He flatly says, no. I admire his integrity, but also need to eat. I graciously tell him I'll try another of his locations and leave with Agnes saying, "what's going on"? I explain that I didn't get any preferential treatment and we're going to head for his 59th Ave location, it's much larger and quite nice. She wasn't impressed, but I had no choice, did I? We discussed that neither of us loved the West side of town, as I had lived there for a short time and just liked Scottsdale better. We discussed her deceased husband, a lawyer and her 3 children and mine.
We arrive at the 59th Ave shopping center and honestly, I can't recall exactly where the restaurant is, but remember it's kind of hard to find. This doesn't stop Agnes from telling me where to turn, kind of like a nagging wife would act. We found it, I got out of the car and as usual, Agnes just sat there. I kind of wished it were summer, so I could stall and sweat her out! We enter though the kitchen and I think Agnes kind of liked that and we were seated by a 12 year old girl that evidently worked there. We ordered after chatting for a time and Agnes ordered a $26 piece of dead fish, sighting that she had looked up the menu online and that they offer gluten free pasta. I asked her if she were allergic to gluten and she said no, but it makes her crave sugar. Confused, I changed the topic. The reason that I wanted to go to Tutti Santi's was, I had been craving their linguine with clam sauce for a couple of weeks, so I ordered it. I did my usual joking with the wait staff when Agnes told me not to, they don't like it. At some point Agnes asked to see my driver's license and I'm sure she checked my age, when I asked for hers. She said she didn't have it.The check came and Agnes offered to pay the check, but didn't have a purse. Naturally, I paid it. I drove home slowly and asked if Agnes wanted to try Eli's to dance, but she explained that she didn't dance. Wow, that's like a monkey that doesn't eat bananas! She said we could go back to my house to talk and I thought she was wanting romance, but honestly, I just wasn't into it. We pulled into my driveway, where Agnes sat waiting for her grand exit from my car. It was really starting to piss me off! I've always enjoyed being a gentleman, but when it's ordered, it's kind of rude.
We sat next to one another for about an hour and I just wasn't feeling it, when Agnes said she had a busy day on Sunday and we packed up to take her home. We arrived at her house and all I could think about was that this is the last time I have to open the door for her. She hugged me goodnight, I gave her a peck and left. I am definitely done looking for Jewish women and will probably not even date for awhile. The following day, I remembered I had this picture of her cute pup and sent it to her. She replied with a thank you for a lovely evening and a notice of no romantic interest. Ya think?