My Jewish (JAP) Phase...

I seem to be going though  a phenomenon known as my Jewish Phase. Here's how it all came about. I got an email from a woman named Bonnie, that was and is Jewish. Although I never met her, she remembered me and contacted me when she realized that she had a girlfriend that I might like, I didn't, but that part will come later. The woman was at the time, vacationing in a place called Canada (who goes to Canada for a vacation?) About a month later, this woman Bonnie, the wannabee matchmaker, writes me and says she showed my Plenty of Fish profile to her friend, Bertha and she liked me. Oh joy! Bertha then decided her plan of action should be, to join Plenty of Fish and await my solicitation of her profile for her to meet me for lunch or something. At this point I'm sent a photo of the lovely Bertha and I decide that she is lunch worthy. I tell Bonnie that the plan is a little on the ridiculous side and I ask for her email address. I write to dear old Bertha, age 63 and she eventually (2 days later) replies. I find her boring and pretty low key and I'm pretty doubtful as to whether we are any kind of a match, but I keep thinking, maybe she is still THE ONE!

Knowing that Bertha lives around Paradise Valley Mall, I'm trying to think of a restaurant that is near her and I immediately think of Chili's. I know that Chili's is not a wonderful place, but the last time I had been there, (10 years prior) it was suitable for a "meet and greet" lunch. We arrange to meet about 1:30, to avoid the lunch crowd. I arrived first, right on time and Bertha walked in about 30 seconds later. She was short, about 5' 2", as she had explained and very thin with red frizzy hair, wearing large dark sunglasses. The hostess looked at me and said, "two"? I said yes and she lead us towards our booth at my request, instead of a table. I motioned for Bertha to walk in front of me, as I had been taught as a child and Bertha said, "No, you go first"! Smiling, I took her arm and put her in front off me, as manners legislated. I could see that Bertha was extremely intimidated. We were seated and given menus. Bertha was still wearing her sunglasses, almost as a hiding place, when I asked if she were going to keep her sunglasses on through the entire meal? She replied, "Oh, I didn't notice" and she took them off and quietly slipped them into the bags under her eyes!!! That's pretty much when the date was over for me. Bertha was 63 and that's the age when it can go either way for a lady and evidently Bertha took the wrong direction. She had that old lady look. I felt sorry for her, but that's as far as I could go. I'm always polite, even when I'm not attracted to a lady, but can hardly feel like there is a future. That's around the time that the complaining began. I asked if there were anything on the menu that caught her attention and she replied, "come on, it's Chili's". That's when I noticed that the table was sticky and Bertha answered, "what did you expect?" I didn't answer and waited while Bertha thoroughly read the menu in search of anything that might meet her caloric requirements. After 7 or 8 minutes of dead silence, Bertha announced that she would like the flat bread and soup special. I ordered the chicken sandwich that comes with Swiss cheese and bacon, one of my former favorites. Desperate for topics to discuss, we struggled until the food finally came affording me a new topic of "How is your fricking food"? I specifically asked how the soup was, as it was packed with vegetables and she replied that it was dry! Searching for an answer, I had none! I ate my sandwich and kept my mouth as fully packed as possible at all times. Wouldn't you???

The waitress finally brought the check and I took it. Bertha quickly announced, thank you for lunch and I replied that I'm only grabbing it so I could hand it to you. The look on her face was priceless. She had that, I'm not paying for nuthin' look, when I told her I was only joking with her, it will be my pleasure. The waitress asked if she wanted to take her half eaten massacred entree home and she replied, "No, it was awful". (But free).

We walked to the door and this was the very first time in my life that I did not walk the lady to her car, I just said, see ya and got into my car and split...