Friday, January 27, 2012

Dating Summary...

Back to the dating grind. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it. I've already told you about "Gum on My Shoe" and I'm pleased to report that she's over and I haven't heard another peep after the initial 3 emails including PS's. Later the same week, I met up with Ronna, pronounced Ron-na, as she so politely explained in her first email. Ronna is allegedly 56 and just coming out of a 36 year marriage that she spoke about all effin' evening. Guess what, she's not fond of her ex-husband, particularly since he just married a friend of Ronna's. She seemed enthusiastic until the evening we met. We were to meet at Dillions, since she lived very close by and it was just a few blocks away, at most. When I arrived, right on time at 6:30 PM, the place was mobbed and there wasn't even standing room. I spotted her pretty quickly and she was texting someone and that someone happened to be ME! It said, "Are you here"? I tapped her on the shoulder and replied, "Yes"! I suggested we go somewhere else, as it was clearly too busy and noisy to talk. I offered for us to drive in one car, mine. She declined, not knowing if I had planned on raping her or not. I had already decided NO! Ronna seemed nice enough, but was too recently "hurt" and her pain was palpable. In addition, in my opinion she had clearly begun the melting process that some women and men go through. It's a process where all of their facial features begin to sag and she appears to be melting. Her gullet reminded me of a turkey She was 5' 4" and plump and for me that's just not going to work. She seemed like a pretty nice person and I did feel sorry for her with her story of abandonment, but I wasn't there to make friends, I'm out there to find a mate, a partner, if you will? When it was time to say goodnight at her car, I asked her if she were going to ask me out again and she said "sure", but you what? She never called!

Next was a phone call to the lovely Anna. I've been putting off calling Anna because she was born and raised in Poland and had an accent even in her writing. She eventually confessed that she was better in speaking on the phone, as opposed to writing, but as this story continues, you'll see that's NOT the case. I called Anna on a Monday evening and she did not answer, so I left her a message that was very polite, asking her to return my call and left her my phone number. I even repeated it slowly so she had time to write it down next to my name. The following evening I sent her a text saying, "I was hoping you'd call tonight". She ignored that but the following day, I received a text back asking "Who is this, please?" So I texted her back:

"It's Mel, how many men left you messages on this phone number on Monday?" 

She replied, "I'll call you tonight"!

On Wednesday evening, I was talking to my son on the phone, when the beep indicated another call. I let it go to voicemail, seeing it was her. Immediately after hanging up, I called Anna back and apologized for not being able to take her call. That was the smoothest that conversation went. Somehow we began discussing her job which is the family owned retirement homes she is a part of and how she used to be in real estate. I mentioned that the economy was not currently conducive to the real estate business and she argued that the economy has never been better. She and her sister are looking for a house in Scottsdale and everything they see is sold before they can even make an offer. I take the phone away from ear and look at it. Is she living in 2007? All the restaurants are so busy, you cannot even get in and nothing is wrong with the economy. The entire conversation was one contradiction after another. Anything I said was wrong and she just needed someone to verbally abuse. After about 20 minutes of this abuse, she clearly said: 

Mel, I don't tink we are a match. I wish you da best of luck and .........

That's, when I interrupted her and said:

I finally agree with you on something and hung up!

I felt like I had just lost a boxing match...

Next on the list was a tall blond, about 5' 9" and awfully pretty. We met online and chatted all evening. I started telling her about my Blackberry and how I really ought to get the iPhone that is due to me, as per my upgrade, but I fear learning my way around a new phone, since I really just mastered the Blackberry. I asked her what type of phone she had and what number was assigned to her? (I thought that was a pretty swift way to ask for a phone number, huh?) She replied that she got hers off the fruit stand, it's an Apple! That made me smile  but couldn't help but notice there was no phone number along with her email. I casually mentioned and she replied that she must have forgotten, what's MY number? I just gave it to her. She lives in Carefree and has a Montana prefix, 406.

Patricia called me the following day and we were off to a great conversation when suddenly she received a phone call from her Montana guests that were driving down and they were 3 minutes away! She apologized and I told her to go and enjoy her company and call me when they leave. She emailed me that she enjoyed our conversation, what there was of it and she would definitely call me again. I kind of feel like the fat chick waiting for an invitation to the prom!

Last but not least is Lacy. I saw Lacy on Match and kind of liked her appearance. She's 59 and about 5' 4" with blond hair and a pretty face (in her picture). I watched a comedian on TV the other night who addressed the dating sites and he said that everyone has that ONE great picture that they use for attracting members of the opposite sex. Come on, you know which picture it is, don't you. Well for me, it's the picture I use for this blog and of course he's right and it really made me laugh. Well, supposedly this was Lacy's special picture too. The comic went on to say what he really wants to see is a picture of the girl's mother! Or a picture of her miserable and unhappy because that's how she's gonna look all of the time if she gets with him! 

Getting back to Lacy. In her first email to me, she went on and on and I  could see she was a talker. I was reading along about something, when suddenly out of nowhere, she writes, "My real age is 63". REAL AGE??? She evidently has a real age AND a make believe age, hmm..... A few days later, I called her.  Lacy was BORING. I mean real BORING. She talked about her husband, her 7 year boyfriend, her children and their accomplishments and here's the killer. She gave a sniffle after every second sentence. I long, loud one. I controlled myself not to say, BLOW YOUR NOSE! Plus the TV was blaring in the background and I had a hard time hearing her but didn't feel it was my place to tell her to lower the sound. I didn't make a date with Lacy because I wasn't sure I wanted to meet her. When you're bored with the conversation on the phone, you can actually fall asleep in person!

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