Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Kind of Like Gum on My Shoe...

Chemistry.com was a gift from Match.com in 2004, when it was first developed. They needed a customer base in order to sell their new creation and I was already a member of Match, so I inherited Chemistry.com. Up until now, I've only had one meeting with anyone in all those years. She was a recently divorced woman that I felt sorry for, more than anything else. I amuse myself with Chemistry, kind of like playing an online video game, because from experience I know nothing is going to result from it. For some reason, Chemistry.com attracts people that are sitting on the fence as far as meeting new people. Along came Ann, with her coffee cup up close to her mouth, making me think there was either half a face missing or at best, a serious tumor. She assured me it was neither. The first contact on that service is to let the other person know that you are interested by choosing them. I did that. Next, I was notified that Ann was interested too. Chemistry then suggests you send the person an email or a game to play with you. One is called Love it or Leave it. They show you pictures of various things and you are to say whether you love it or would leave it. Cocktails for example. I leave it. Smart cars, leave it. We matched on 5 out of 5, causing no more than a smile. We emailed for a couple of days and then Ann offered me her private email address, along with that came her full name. Let's call her Ann Jones, not her real name.

At some point in emailing, I asked for her phone number and she told me she wasn't quite ready to do that. We emailed some more and I ended up sending her my heart invasion story from my blog, Has This Ever Happened to You? She loved it and caused her to do a lot of thinking. After I confirmed that it was true, she offered me her telephone number. A couple of days later I called, not wanting to seem too anxious. She lived in Tempe, quite a distance from me. Frankly, at that time I had more on my plate than I was comfortable with as far as women to choose from. I had rejoined Match.com on an impulse and the old woman there saw fresh meat and bombarded me with emails.

When I spoke with Ann, she seemed intelligent, poised, dignified and reserved. Not loud in any way and someone I'd like to get to know better. After a couple of weeks of chatting, we finally decided to meet. I suggested Paradise Valley Mall, because I was craving one of the chicken sandwiches they offer there at Chili's. She wanted to meet at Fashion Square in Scottsdale, about a 50 minute ride for me. I left at 11:09 and arrived promptly at noon. We were to meet by the piano in Nordstrom's. When I got there, there was an elderly plump guy sitting in the chair, evidently awaiting someone and I feared she would think that it was me and walk off. I walked around the area looking at women's purses for about 10 minutes when my phone indicated I had a text. (Why not a call?) The text said she was at Mountain View and Scottsdale Rd. and must have daydreamed and didn't get off the 101 in time. She had overshot us by 20 minutes! I called her and she gave me some excuse why she wasn't paying attention, but I rather think she just didn't know where Fashion Square was. Twenty more minutes of looking at women's purses and I decided to text her that she should text me when she arrives in the parking lot and I'll start watching for her. She texted me back that she's in woman's shoes shopping and she's wearing a green scarf. NOW, I'M PISSED! All this time I'm wondering around without a direction, trying not to wander too far and she's shoe shopping. That's when I should have left for home.

I arrive in the shoe department and there is a rather plump lady wearing a green scarf shopping for shoes, not even looking up to see if I'm near. She looks similar to her picture, what there was of it, except she was quite a bit more stout. With a large, flat, ass. The kind that plump old ladies have, but she was really only 55. (I checked!) You may have asked yourself why she is doing all this texting when she has a brand new smart phone, although it is from Cricket. I was with Cricket for a time and everyone said I sounded like I was in a tunnel and honestly, I NEVER talk in tunnels! Ann sounded like she was in a tunnel too. In addition to the tunnel syndrome, Ann confessed that she lives with a former boyfriend and he has her phone tapped and knows details of all of our conversations, so texting and emailing is safer. I'm already thinking RUN, but stick around long enough to see what I'm going to be missing real soon. Ann was pleasant enough, if it weren't for her living arrangement, punctuality, overall size and big flat, fat ass! 

We were both pretty hungry by this time and the only place we could find to eat, sold exclusively sea food and I hate fish. I finally found a chicken sandwich that I found less than exciting and only ate half. Ann scooped up the second half and carried it around all afternoon. We did some serious walking, about 4 hours of it, when she said she needed to stop and text her daughter. Her own car was out of gas in her garage and she has her daughter's car and she's running too late to pick her up. We sat there 30 minutes waiting for her daughter to text back, she never did. So we decided to just go to the parking lot and get our cars. I was parked on the lower level and Ann's car was a floor up, so being the gentleman, I offered to drive her to her car. She hopped into the Volvo and we drove up the ramp to her vehicle. I parked, walked her to her car door and gave her a quick peck on the lips goodbye. She said goodbye and I walked off to my car and got in. Just as I was about to pull away, she yelled MEL! I stopped and got back out and asked what was wrong? She said her car wouldn't start. I was just seconds away from a clean getaway too! I tried honking her horn and it was fine, I tried her lights and she said they were very dim. Not a good sign. She asked me if I had jumper cables and remember seeing them on the garage wall. no help at all, there. I asked her if she had AAA and she said it was expired. I told her they would let her renew it right over the phone with a credit card. I also know it takes an hour to go through it. I've done it. She settled into my passenger seat to go through the system with AAA, as I looked off into the distance. At some point she asked if I had to be somewhere or could I wait with her. Again, I couldn't think of a lie in time and sat there. It was now over six hours since noon. At 6:10 her phone vibrated and it was AAA looking for her in the parking lot. She told them where we were and a young kid in a van pulled up. Ann hopped out, leaving the passenger's door open and addressed the kid driving the van. He was about 20 years old, clean cut good looking boy and Ann was clearly enamoured with him. I kind of disappeared in the background and that was okay, because he was going to get her going, not me. He offered to check her battery first and she said she already tried it and it was dead. He put his gauge on it and it tested fine. That's when she offered that it was only a couple of months old. I wonder how she knew how old her daughter's battery was? She drove a Mercedes sports car, but it was out of gas at home. That's when the kid got into the car and turned the key on the ignition and to everyone's surprise, the engine started right up, no jump needed. With my mouth agape, I said goodbye and kissed Ann on the cheek and left. You know the first thought that crossed my minds, right? What the hell was that all about? I'd say I got about 5 miles in the thick 6 PM traffic when the first phone call came, accusing me of running off and leaving her. I laughed and remembered the 90 minutes I just spent waiting with her for unneeded roadside assistance. From that point on it took me about an hour to get home in constant stop and go traffic. When I got home Julie said, "Must have had a good time, you were gone a long time". I started telling her the story when I received call number 2 from Ann, wanting to know if I abandon all my dates, ha ha.... I chatted with her for about 10 minutes and said I was starving, I was, I said goodbye, knowing that she worked a 16 hour day the next day, she told me.

Now remember, her boyfriend has her phone tapped and he supposedly has a background as a private detective. The texting started about noon, I'd say. She texted every few hours and on her breaks and lunch hour. It kind of reminded me of getting gum on your shoe and not being about to get free of it. When she got home, she started texting full time. Now during our date, she told me she was off on Thursday but had plans with a girlfriend, not that I was interested. The texting now said, she was off the following day after a morning meeting. Do I want to do something? I decided to not answer. I told her I was turning off my phone to read. She continued to have a full conversation without me through text messages. The last one said, "is it yes or no for the movies"? That's when I decided that a Dear Jane (ANN) letter was in order.

When I awakened on Thursday, there was a last text that said, "What time do you rise in the morning?" and there was a hang up, no message call to my phone. I had a cup of coffee and then composed the following email.

 Dear Ann:

After staying up last night until almost 3 AM, I see that you went ahead and had an entire conversation without me through texts. I also see that you called at 10:24 and did not leave a message. I have something that I need to tell you. Because of our single meeting, I didn't find it necessary to tell you that I'm not feeling a chemistry between us. In other more plain words, I'm just not physically attracted to you. It's nothing that you've done, although your roommate situation doesn't enhance you to me, it just nature's way of saying no. I wish you the best of luck in finding happiness and hope you resolve the previously mentioned situation soon.
And she replied:
I am so ok with it.  Thank you for being honest
 I wish you would have told me sooner I would have not wasted your time or mine.  And the previous situation is resolved!
But then the PS:
Just want you to know I do not leave voicemails, since there is texting, so if someone does not answer I just text.  I am sorry you were part of the drama with an old boyfriend, which is now over, he just needs to move out.

It is a amazing we were 5/5 the one big difference is when you told the waiter that people don't care, I totally disagree with you, I care about people I think their journey in life is fasnating and that is what makes life so interesting.................................I am sorry you don't care about others.  You are a very unique writer and your stories are so real, because they are real.......................you think people don't care.  Then why do you write!   

Side note* Whew....... I was joking with the waiter. He asked why we were so friendly and other customers just sit there real serious, I said because people just don't care about you. (At the time, it was funny)

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