Online Dating is NOT for Amateurs...

This is a series of 3 emails that I wrote to a perspective "date", that removed her picture from the service but left it there for what they call private viewing. In other words, she could send it if she felt you worthy? I was not worthy! Her picture was posted early on, but as I said, she removed it.

 It seems that perhaps I did not move quickly enough. I recall making you a "favorite" as I was tired at the moment and didn't think writing an email would make much sense then. Now you seem to be gone. If you receive this and have the desire to return my attempt, it might be nice. Until then....

 Dutch 

 A couple of days went by and I didn't hear from her, so I tried this: 

 Well, I'm not sure what's going on, but I can't seem to stop thinking about your eyes! Then I get hungry and can't stop thinking about getting something to eat, but I go right back to thinking about your eyes. I've also been thinking about the upcoming election a lot, plus your eyes, of course. Earlier I was watching the news when I wasn't thinking about those eyes and some poor jerk drove into the water and had to be rescued. Then it was right back to those eyes. Without your face, my "favorites" section looks like a waiting room at an old peoples home. We sure miss you there. I know, you're worried about our height difference. Well, the truth be told, I used to be 6' 1" but actually shrunk a little, down to a true 5' 11 3/4. My first wife was 5' 1 1/2" and the only problem we had was slow dancing, her nose wound up in my arm pit. Otherwise we were good until she moved out! To enhance this email, I enclosed a picture of a total stranger that does NOT look like me, but I thought it might put a smile on your face. Did it work? I hope you're having a great weekend and I'll just go back to thinking about your eyes... 

Mel

Now the weekend has passed and no reply from LaVonne. (What kind of a name is LaVonne, anyway???

Well LaVonne: 

 It appears that the weekend has passed and you are either very occupied or are not interested in writing me back. I'll assume it to be the latter. As my memories of your eyes fade, I seem to see something that I really hadn't noticed prior. The right one has a strange look to it and seems to be a lazy eye or sleepy eye, I think they call it. Looking at you head on, I now notice that your pupils rest in the lower portion of the socket and towards the nose, if you will? Kind of a cross-eyed look that I didn't realize before. I'm actually quite surprised that you haven't had that repaired surgically. Upon really giving it some thought, I'd don't think I'm interested in communicating after all. Not with those crossed, sleepy eyes. Another word that I might add to your short stature, is dumpy. The real reason that I divorced my first wife was not really because she was compromised in any way other than the fact that she was always in a bad mood from the pain she suffered in her buttocks. It seemed that every time she stepped off a curb, she bumped her ass! Good luck! 

 Dutch...