Thursday, December 25, 2008

Leash Maniasis...

Christmas season has never been a big deal for this 62 year old wandering Jew, but last night's events took on a whole new meaning for the highly celebrated day. After 6 weeks of working painstakingly on the Lovely Jules' Christmas present, I decorated it and was planning on delivering it on Christmas Eve. LJ has been suffering form the world's longest cold of late and surprisingly had an appetite for ribs last night and was just dreaming of going to Dillon's on 59th Ave to quench that desire. Not to sound like a "know it all" but it's been my experience that almost every business is closed on Christmas Eve so owners and employees can spend it with their families. Dillon's was no exception, as I found when I called.

When I called LJ to advise her of my conclusion to the ribs idea, there was no answer. She had landed herself a job, lighting Christmas Luminaries in her neighborhood, which was good because frankly I was a little concerned about her lack of Christmas spirit. Maybe this would do the trick? After retiring from her lighting job, she called me to give me one long "whine".. "Ohhhh, I waaaaanted Riiiiibs"! Can you hear the whining? I told her I'd bring over 2 steaks and I'd baked a couple of potatoes in the microwave and the whining got worse. "I HATE microwaved defrosted steaks and microwaves potatoes, waaaaa......." Using my collective wisdom from the past 62 years, I partially cooked 2 large potatoes in the microwave and placed a couple of frozen steaks between them for the 30 minute ride to the home of the Lovely Jules and when I arrived our steaks were defrosted and naturally. I found LJ in her front yard taking picture with her camera, that by the way is almost as large as she. She was shooting her Luminaries.

I was greeted warmly and she was anxious to see her present. After spending outragous money on Christmas presents for one another last year, mostly Jules spending, we decided to not exchange gifts this year, so I made her a little something. Since I don't smoke or drink, I find myself addicted to eating Starbursts. I'm currently working my way through a 7 LB bag that I found at Costco. Each one is wrapped in a cellophane wrapper and has to be discarded. I took the wrappers from the 7 LB of Starbursts and put each one singlely into a retired water bottle, a plastic one and decorated the bottle with car pinstriping tape. How cool is that? She loved it!! (Yet reasonably priced) Jules gave me her old iPod loaded up with her music and some recorded books. I love it and yet economical for our current economy. We're thinking GREEN.

So we grilled our steaks and ate our potatoes and after dinner and 11 episodes of Californication stored on her Tivo, Julie suggested a walk. Being the victim of the dreaded "sour cream" that was loaded onto the partially microwaved and partially baked potato, I thought a walk was surely in order, if only for "exhaust" relief? We gathered up our coats and Pawpaw for this walk and headed out with me walking 10 feet behind the Lovely Jules, kind of doing my thing. LJ called back to me, "when you're finished, come walk beside me"! Gasp, I was busted! Isn't being 62 fun? We walked along enjoying the serenity of the night and Pawpaw marking every tree and bush along the way, when Jules let go of the leash and let Pawpaw run free. At age 16, Pawpaw doesn't do that much running anymore, mostly peeing and pooping. Without warning, Pawpaw with his leash dragging behind him squatted down in that all too familiar position. When he finished, he walked along almost in a trot, feeling much better. That's when Jules broke into a run to catch him and try to grab his leash. I thought certainly she'd just run up to him and put her foot on the handle portion of his leash but no, she was going for his collar and then almost out of nowhere she slid her hand down the leash towards the handle portion! I froze!!! I couldn't speak and it seemed like she was moving in slow motion. I tried to yell but nothing came out. Somewhere there is an unwritten law that says when your dog poops when dragging his leash behind him, never run your hand over the entire length of that leash for any reason. That's when I heard the SCREAM! It started low and collectively increased in depth, as if it were coming from the pit of her stomach. It was the same scream heard as when you're driving your car in a dream and you go off a cliff. It had depth, meaning, and a distinct message and that message was, "I've got dog shit on my hand". At first she held her hand high, trying to disassociate herself from it. Then denial set in. That's not my hand, I borrowed it from a friend. Still frozen in time, I stood there in shock, disbelieving what my own eyes witnessed. That's when the uncontrollable laughter started and only let up enough for the Lovely Jules to get this really serious look on her face and announce to me that, she peed her pants!

Not waiting for the others, I broke into a run and went back to the house, as Julie ran behind me acting like she was going to wipe her hand on me. I got to the house first, as the innocent Pawpaw still insisted on doing a little more marking. LJ and Pawpaw entered sans the leash that was tossed outside the door to dry or ferment or whatever dog poop does and Jules walked to her bedroom and bathroom with her head down, legs together and her hand outstretched. That's when I tried to snap the picture with my camera/phone, but was unsuccessful.

In the Lovely Jules' blog, she claims that she suffers from a mild case of Leash Maniasis. I finally know what it is!


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Do you have copy writer for so good articles? If so please give me contacts, because this really rocks! :)