A Quiet Diner Out...

MJ called me last evening and told me she would be getting off a little early and did I want to meet her at that little Italian restaurant that we'd found while Christmas shopping. I recall writing about it and how clean and reasonable it was for a Scottsdale location. The food was great for a lunch and we were interested in having dinner there last night. I jumped at the invitation and we agreed to meet there at 7 PM. I pulled up and was delighted to find a parking place right adjacent to the front door and closed my car door and went inside. There waiting in the vestibule was a gorgeous woman in a pin striped suit and conveniently it was MJ. She's been there about 10 minutes and had already given our name for the waiting list. She indicated we'd only have to wait a few more minutes.

We settled in for some serious people watching and MJ mentioned how she is revolted by the number of men that wear their baseball caps to a restaurant. MJ is from North Carolina and evidently the etiquette standards there are a lot more rigid than here.. I was more deterred by an 11 year old boy that insisted on jumping on the sofa next to me, causing me to levitate a little with each jump. Finally, in disgust, I started standing up and bouncing down on the vinyl sofa causing the kid to go airborne a couple of times, giving Mom the idea that her son was causing a disturbance. She apologized to me and we laughed it all off.

MJ was straining at the bit for a glass of wine, but I convinced her to wait until we were seated. Reluctantly she agreed. I got up and asked the hostess how much longer we'd have to wait for a table and the 18 year old girl assured me that some people had already paid and they were just waiting for them to drag their dead asses off, although she chose different words. Ten more minutes went by, when the mother of the rambunctious boy asked how long and she was given the exact same answer as me. Hmm....

Ten MORE minutes passed and finally our hostess invited us to be seated. We walked to the very end of the restaurant and were given our table and menus. Our waiter appeared immediately and asked if we were ready to order. We said no, we had just been seated, but we would like a diet Coke and a glass of water. He promptly brought it while MJ searched the wine list. HE NEVER CAME BACK. Two older gentlemen were seated next to us and MJ and I read our menus and made our selections. Now the waiter approached our area again and took the order from the 2 gentlemen, turned and started walking away. He brought them their drinks and then turned and exited again, while MJ and I looked on. He came back for a third time and serviced the two gentlemen again... It seemed like it all happened in slow motion, as the waiter, a youthful man, slight in stature turned once again and began his exit. I looked over at MJ who had commented now more then once at how poor the service was. That's when I watched the transformation take place. It started with her nostrils flaring and steam came rushing from them. Her face kind of contorted and two tiny horns erupted from her scalp and the whites of her eyes turned a deep yellow and her pupils turned cherry red. The squeal that came emitting from her mouth was not human-like at all, yet you could distinctly hear her say, "Excuse me, sir"........... Nothing, he ignored her. A little louder this time, "EXCUSE ME, SIR", again he ignored her and continued walking away. Slowly but certainly the transformation undid itself and MJ just sat there looking and feeling dejected. Very matter-of-factly she said to me, "Honey, would you mind waiting here while I go make a scene and complain to someone?" I replied, you may complain to whoever you want, but you may NOT make a scene. (I was already married to a woman that did that sort of thing and I was never going to be party to that again) She agreed to complain properly and left me. About 5 minutes later she returned and explained that the only person who was the least bit in charge was the other waitress and she didn't seem like she cared.

Evidently this woman passed along the word because promptly we were given bread and our drink order was taken by the woman. We ordered our entrees and were eating them when our missing waiter, approached me with a fresh diet Coke and dropped it rudely on the table and was gone before I could even look up and thank him. No one ever came back, except the lady to ask if everything were okay. We said it was and thanked her.

Now I was getting a little short on patience, because why should I have to go out for a nice meal and have to struggle to just get through it? Numb-nuts shows up and asks if we want dessert and I look him in the eye and asked if we've offended him in some fashion? He says, "I don't like being yelled at when I'm busy trying to serve people." I explained that we were new customers there and as a result of his poor attitude and service, we would never return and I'm pretty sure that's NOT what his employer had in mind when he hired him and some times, when you're in the service business, people just might raise their voices when you ignore them. He walked away as if he's won the disagreement, then turned around and said your meal is on me. I told him that we've already complained about his poor work and he said he knew, his mom told him..... MJ and I literally cracked up laughing when we realized the only person we'd found in a semi-management position to complain to was his Mommy!

The food sucked, there were no management on the premises. I had the chicken parmigiana and MJ had the pasta pomodora and the noodles were over-cooked. We won't be going back to Uncle Sal's again

Losing a Crown/ Mac n Tuna Recipe...

So it appears that I'm in a writing mood tonight. That doesn't guarantee anything good is gonna come out, but here I am anyway.

One of my stocking stuffers was a big Tootsie Roll with about 25 little Tootsie Rolls inside. When I received it, I laughed knowing I'd eat every last one. Now the last time I had Carmel, the Carmel lasted about 3 chews when suddenly it yanked my crown off, leaving me toothless on the lower right side. With that in mind, I approached the Tootsie Rolls rather cautiously. I think I actually made it to my 3rd Tootsie Roll before I noticed something rather sharp and hard inside of my chewy morsel. Guess what, it was none other than my new replaced crown floating around my mouth. That's right, I did it again! I should really have never given up drinking, I never lost a crown swallowing a shot full of V.O. Oh, the things we do for sugar.

Up until right now, it's mostly the women that write recipes, but tonight I invented a new creation. I had a taste for Tuna Casserole, but didn't have any mushroom soup or peas, so I called MJ and asked her what she thought of putting a can of tuna in a batch of Mac n Cheese. Her reaction was not a positive one. She suggested putting the tuna in with the noodles, but to leave the cheese part out of it. My question was, what will make it stick together? She agreed that it wouldn't really stick together without an adhesive. I suggested Mayonnaise and she nixed that pretty quickly, I agreed.

After hanging up with her, I decided that the cost of a package of Mac n Cheese and the minor expense of a can of tuna could be afforded if it were horrible and I could just throw the whole mess away and not lose my social standing in the community. Here is my conclusion:

It was far better than a package of plain Mac n Cheese, but not near as good as a pizza! You decide!

My 63rd Christmas...

I haven't posted anything for awhile. I've gone through some tough times recently, but not as tough as a friend of mine. Do any of you have a friend that has been around forever? One who was there from day one? Well, I have and he called me last week with some horrible news. It mortified me with grief and I haven't been the same since hearing it. When I was 10 years old, I was sitting in my house waiting for the Hebrew school bus for my first day of Hebrew school. The old panel van pulled up and it was loaded with kids and one of the kids on my bus was a kid named Barry. We started talking, I think about baseball and became fast friends. Here it is 53 years later and we're still talking, not so much about baseball anymore, but about the important things in life, children, politics, finance, life's experiences.

Last week, the call went something like this. It was late, after 9 PM in Florida where he lives and the call came from his cell phone, another oddity. I answered and immediately asked what's wrong? He told me he was sick, that he was in the hospital and he has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. On a routine visit to the doctor to get his blood pressure medication adjusted, the doctor gave him a routine exam and when he poked him in the stomach, it was extra tender, which lead to an ex-ray, then a cat scan and an ultra sound. They found he had a mass on his cecum, the area between the upper and lower intestines and it had already spread to his liver, spine and lungs. They immediately scheduled surgery to remove the mass, leaving him with a colostomy. As soon as he's feeling better, they'll start chemo therapy, but it's just to prolong things as much as possible. He's likely to be gone in a year, but who knows? Some things just aren't fair. The only good news is that he's dealing with it in a mature way and just accepting what he's been told. No denial or poor me's. He's a realist and realists accept their destinies.

As an added bonus for Christmas, I was getting ready for Christmas Eve, MJ cooked a prime rib I was looking forward to. I was just putting some finishing touches on an ad I was placing in the Autotrader, when suddenly I felt pretty nauseated and my mouth started watering like, like, like I was gonna puke! I don't remember my feet even touching the ground as I flew to the restroom. There I grabbed the bowl and called to RALPH as loudly as I could, wondering what in the hell just happened. I'd had a headache for the past couple of days, but I figured it was just an aneurysm and would either kill me or get better. I never figured on the FLU! I just paid for one of those Walgreen Flu Shots and figured I was covered, but it was the wrong kind of flu. So I hugged the bowl, yelling to RALPH and BOB all night, until it started for the opposite end. MJ called right in the middle of it all and I explained I wasn't coming over for dinner. She understood and offered to come and get me and take care of me through my flu bout, but there are some things a man likes to do by himself, particularly when they are about 2 opposite ends. So I took a metal bowl to bed with me and went to sleep about 8:30 on Christmas Eve.

Christmas day, after about 12 hours of sleep, I forced myself to drive to MJ's to have Christmas with her. She bought me a ton of great stuff and I felt like a 12 year old kids opening all of my presents. She got me all clothes and I got the distinct impression that she felt my own wardrobe was lacking.......... humph!

Somewhere in the confusion of Christmas, I managed to sell the Chicago car. That's the Toyota that I flew back to Chicago to get. The one that I pushed Linda out of the window of and drove home alone. I held onto that car long enough to scare myself, thinking that I didn't have the insight that I thought I'd had and just maybe I paid too much for it. But fortunately someone came along and bought it, affording me a little cash flow, just in time for Christmas.

So, all and all things went okay, but then I remember poor Barry and get depressed all over again......

Marathon Date, part 2....

After a 1 hour nap and trying to recover from a 1/2 marathon with MJ, I decided to start my laundry, so I tossed in all of my new jeans at about 3:30. MJ called at 4 to ask if I'd left the house yet? Huh, why would I? I'm doing laundry. Laundry, she replied in a less than pleased tone. We have to be at the party at 5! What??? Who in their right mind throws a party and starts it at 5? People with children, that's who! Oh, well we're gonna be late.... and so it began. I don't recall a woman yelling at me as much as MJ, since my mother and that stopped when I was 18... Don't you think that if a party called for 5 PM attendance, a lady might mention it at some point before 4? So skipping the complete wash cycle, I jumped immediately to spin, then dried only the pair of jeans I was going to wear and chose a shirt. At some point I change 11 times, going with dress jeans and a fresh shirt, but bringing my wet jeans along for Sunday's attire. I arrived at MJ's at about 5:40 and at the party at 6 and no one was there but us and the landscapers. I think MJ likes to lights fires under me, to watch me try not to burn... Great game, huh?

By 7 PM, this little Central Corridor house was full slam up with total strangers saying Merry Christmas to this unregistered Jew and it was elbow to elbow full of people, none of which I knew. MJ was off with her friends socializing and I wandered from room to room waiting for the single bathroom to empty, so I could take my turn. At some point a couple was leaving, saying they were expected at yet another party and I begged them to take me with, but no, they refused and threatened to call the police on me.

After about an hour, we had played some game where you have to guess what Christmas item was written and a piece of paper and taped to your back. Naturally mine was Menorah, MJ chose it. Then everyone gathered in the little living room and played a White Elephant, where you purchase a crappy gift and everyone gets one after taking a number. I wound up with a book on how to pick up boys! I told MJ we either leave or I'm going to light myself on fire.... We left with only first degree burns...

We headed back to MJ's where she reported to me that she was sleepy. We went to bed where MJ snored as usual and I laid awake for about 4 hours in the dark, not able to sleep or watch TV or read, or do any of the things I do. MJ insisted that I was sleeping because she said I snored, but I snored awake, just to trick her. This morning she hops out of bed and announces it's time to trim the tree. Did I mention I LOVE Christmas? So we drank a little coffee and trimmed the tree and MJ told me I was totally useless in this department... I once again reminded her of my circumcision and explained that my tree trimming experience is limited. I did a few odd jobs around her house and we finally finished the tree trimming experience and let me assure you, her tree now weighs no less that 2000 LB with all of the decorations with 29 decorations every inch of tree. Santa himself would be impressed.

I've never been opposed to shopping, but if I have to walk through one more little girl's department and look at adorable little dresses again, I'm gonna puke! If I hear, "do you like the pink chiffon better than the blue velvet again I'm gonna die! This is the second day in a row of shopping in the pedophile section. I don't like it. It's not normal and it ain't right.

I tried to take MJ to Luke's Italian Beef for lunch but they had the nerve to be closed on Sunday, so MJ took me to a place called STIX for Asian food. I thought it was a pool hall but no. I learned it's called Stix because it stix in your throat! It was a 2 Rolaid lunch.

Once again this old man was pleased to hear MJ say she needed a nap. Now there's some thing we both like! We bopped back to her house for an afternoon snooze and I was awakened by a kiss and a goodbye! MJ had to go to the "groshery" store. I asked her to spell it and learned she needed milk and eggs for her granddaughter's return tonight. Little Angela, who will be 2 years old tomorrow, has been in CA. with her mom and mom's mom for almost 3 weeks and MJ was as excited as a cat on a roof at the sight of little Angela seeing all of the Christmas stuff. I kissed her on the cheek and said goodbye for a few days.

Thank God there are no more Christmas parties on the schedule for me! Whew!!!

No matter what NMS says!

Marathon Date...

I was married to a woman for over 5 years and when we split the sheets, she walked away to her North Scottsdale home and I never saw or heard from her again. You'd think that with the odds of things, I'd have run into her by now, but no. She could be dead for all I know and that would be fine. Not that she be dead, because I never had any ill feelings towards her, but that I don't run into her is probably a good thing. What would we do stammer towards each other or have one of those awkward moments that we all dread? She moved on and I certainly did.

Now remember Linda, the lady that I left in Chicago? I think the story went that I pushed her out of a car window at about 10 or 15 MPH? Well evidently she survived the fall and is alive and well in Scottsdale. Here's what happened...

MJ and I have been on one of our marathon dates. It started Thursday night and I'm only home to grab a change of clothes and continue on our quest to have the longest date in recorded history, in all of captivity. Thursday night MJ and I went to a Christmas party. As Christmas parties go, this may have been one of the more sedate ones. Take about 30 total strangers and put them in a house together and pretty soon you have people wandering around endlessly looking for a place to lite. Now this party was being thrown and I use the expression "thrown" lightly, as there was not a bit of throwing going on. The party was given at MJ's financial adviser's elderly boyfriend's house, a man named Lou. Lou was grey, boring, conservative, works in a bank and wore worn out black Levis and a plaid shirt that came right out of the dryer, without the benefit of a pressing. Get the picture? I've been told more than once that I'm judgemental, but you didn't have to do much judging to determine that Lou was boring and without a personality. Now he's been dating MJ's financial advisor for many years and they don't sleep together. They represent the traditional "companions". I also neglected to add that Lou was probably younger than me! There did seem to be about 3 live wires at this party. They were MJ's attorney, financial advisor and a third woman that I didn't learn her association with MJ, but was entertaining.

After about an hour of schmoozing, a long hour I might add, we left and went shopping for something to take to Saturday's Christmas party, being held at MJ's best friend's home, a doctor she works with in Central Phoenix. We headed to Costco where we brought home pizza to eat while we watched TV and tried to make out... Finally, we were both tired and decided to go to bed where MJ tried her best to have her way with me, but sadly my headache prevented anything from happening. We both awakened about 4 AM to a fit of passion, the likes of which I'd never seen. When MJ wants something..................well, look out!

After falling back to sleep, we headed to Scottsdale to Fashion Square for a little shopping for MJ's granddaughter who will be 2 this week. I parked near the entrance to Macy's where I always park while at Fashion Square, while MJ hollered instructions at me, to turn left, stop, go to the right and park... All of which I ignored while still trying to appease her. MJ has developed a way of actually steering the car from her position in the passenger's seat. As her instructions became just background noise, I parked. As we were just entering Macy's, with my head down and walking, I thought to myself, "I'm in Linda's neck of the woods, I certainly hope I don't bump into her". I don't think 10 seconds went by and I looked up and there stood Linda walking towards me and looking right at MJ and I. She saw me and looked away as if she didn't recognize me. With my mouth agape, all I could say was, "Oh my God", as she looked up and said, hi! I don't recall what either one of us said and the entire meeting took about 3 seconds and she was saying happy holidays and do I want to sell her my table? I said, no, I'm just keeping my stuff and not selling anything. I turned around to continue walking and ran smack dab into MJ that was just standing there. I'd thought she had kept walking, not even knowing I'd stopped. That's when it started. Well, I guess you're too ashamed of me to introduce me to your girlfriends..... What? She's not my girlfriend, you are! Well you certainly didn't act like it. You didn't even acknowledge me. Am I not dressed well enough for you to have introduced me? Blah, blah, blah.... Well readers, it's still going on. Every time MJ remembers it and she remembers it often, she throws me another dig about not introducing her to Linda.. Women, you can't live with 'em and you can't push them off a cliff!

And so the marathon date with HIGH MAINTENANCE MJ continues and we head to get into line for the famous chicken salad at Nordstrom's little restaurant, only we're standing in line with a dozen elderly ladies to get a table and there's no telling how long our wait will be. So I beg MJ to go somewhere else and she recalls a wonderful Italian place not too far called Sal's. It's at Hayden and Osborn and wonderful and reasonable and clean. When was the last time you ordered an Italian specialty lunch with a salad and choice of dressing with complimentary garlic bread and butter for $7.95?

After a delicious lunch, we headed back to MJ's for addition sparring practice about Linda, played for a time and headed over to my house for me to get more clothes. I had no idea how wardrobe intensive this date was going to get. I changed, yet again and we went to the Movies to see the worst film I've seen since, I returned to the movies a year ago or so. Invictius with Morgan Freeman and Mat Damon. Morgan Freeman was great as Nelson Mandela, but Mat Damon was horribly miscast in this film about Rugby. The movies was missing anything that resembled a story line or plot and was a series of slow motion shots of Rugby players getting knocked down. Thank goodness for Martha Jane insisting on the Senior Citizen discount and the almost free popcorn and Cokes or this could have been the end of me.

This movie did however work wonders. MJ, who resembles the energizer bunny, keeps going and going and going... Martha said these words to me, "I'm tired, can we just go home and go to sleep"? With a new bounce in my step, we headed for the car and drove straight home to MJ's. We didn't stop at Walmart for dog food or the sweater MJ wanted to buy for me at Sam's Club or Costco or a shopping center, but just home... Frankly, home never sounded so good. Even if it isn't my home... From here, I'm headed to the shower, then my wardrobe for a fresh look and then it's back to MJ's for the big party tonight at Bernie's house... And the marathon date continues....

After Bowlin'...

Bowlin' was fun, but in it's aftermath, I am suffering from a stretched Achilles tendon, pulled groin muscle, lower lumbar aches, traditional sore thumb and a broken thumb nail. Everything has a price and at this age, bowlin' is an easy evening. Usually I'm injured worse than this.

Saturday night took us to Fountain Hills to MJ's annual Christmas party with members form her Hospice team. There were about 35 people in attendance and that included what sounded like and seemed like, 350 kids. The party was a family affair and everyone brought their children and they were literally all ages. I didn't bring mine, mainly because they're 36 and 40! MJ left her 32 year old at home alone.

I tried to mingle as much as possible with total strangers and because of my open personality, I was able to bond a little with a few guys that seemed as out of place as me. All in all, it wasn't too painful and will be redone this Thursday and Saturday again! Merry Christmas...

Saturday morning found me again with MJ to help her go up in her attic and get down the Christmas decorations. Little did I know she almost invented Christmas and her attic was aligned with Christmas treasures from one end to the other. The good new is that MJ had a ladder attached to the crawl space and all it took was pulling down the trap door to expose it. Then, just a mere 45 trips up and down the ladder delivered the Christmas decorations to the garage floor. With my triple bypass being tested, MJ was literally throwing things down the ladder at me to catch. Things that weighed about 40 LB came crashing through that attic opening and thank god MJ can't hear them crashing to the garage floor. As I laid there bent over MJ's car, gasping for air, I could hear MJ screaming from the attic, where are you??? At one point my shoulder dislocated itself, an old Viet Nam injury, but MJ just yelled, to suck it up!

After organizing everything, MJ was busy opening boxes of lights and little Christmas trees and saying that Stan must have screwed up everything, because it was all out of order and not the way it was supposed to be. Stan was her ex-boyfriend. Next year she'll be telling some guy named Joe that Mel screwed up everything and nothing is where it belongs and such is life....

Practically starving and suffering from open wounds, we headed to the Arcadia Tavern for an emergency meatloaf lunch and watched a little football. The place was so crowded and the crowd so thick, you'd have thought we were at the stadium whenever someone scored.

We headed for MJ's house again to finish up and I noticed that MJ kept taking side trips into the far bushes and I suspect the reason was GAS! That's when I decided it was time for me to go home to shower, but promised to return to help her put up the tree. I returned about 90 minutes later including drive time and MJ had already gotten everything in working order, set up on timers and was showered. We put up the tree and watched the Cards whip the Vikings and crashed quickly. MJ woke me up in what seemed to be a panic, to inform me that I still snore. I tell her that she's not the first person to tell me that, rolled over in the other direction and return to snoring pleasantly and dreaming of putting all off that Christmas crap back up in the attic.

Goin' Bowlin'...

It turns out that MJ is not just another pretty face, she is indeed a talented bowler, as well. When MJ and I first hooked up, she asked me once if I liked to bowl and I said yes, every 25 years if not sooner. We laughed and she admitted to me that the last time she bowled was right around then. I blew it off as another question similar to, did you ever smoke pot? My answer was yes, but haven't for many years. It's not one of the things I do, at this stage of life along with bowling. It's not like I've never bowled, there was a time many years ago, that my friends and I hung out at the BA (Bowling Alley). It was more of a social setting then and frankly pin balls were really the main attraction. Around midnight, they'd turn the lights down really low and introduce midnight bowling and my friends and I would laugh like hyenas at the geeks that bowled. Here it is 47 years later and I with a gorgeous woman and the only thing on her mind is bowlin'!

I had every intention of just accommodating her by going to the bowling alley that I was secretly hoping was out of business, along with other businesses that had seen better days, but when we got there, instead of it being an antique mall or a pawn shop extravaganza, it was still a bowling alley. Shit!



We parked MJ's car and were first accosted by a gang of young girls on skateboards and short shorts. My first thought was they must be freezing in this 45 degree weather, showing my age. Taking me by the hand now, MJ walked me inside where some things never change. The first thing I noticed was the absence of cigarette smoke and it was a welcomed relief, then I heard the crash of the pins and memories were activated. There were not only plenty of empty parking places in the parking lot, but a shortage of bowlers, as well. I had every intention of just being a voyeur, but MJ walked us up to the counter and announced we wanted to bowl. Oh, what the hell? This is not the first time MJ has taken me out of my comfort zone, here we go. MJ then asked how much it would be to rent shoes, 25cents rang a bell and when the kid said $8.50, I explained we wanted to rent, not buy! I think that was the first elbow I received to the ribs. The rest of the instructions were moot. Alley 26 was to be ours and the computer would keep score for us and he'd be by to get our food and drink orders.. Huh? The balls were arranged from the West side of the bowling alley to the East and their weights ran from 8 LB to 16LB and I immediately remembered my sore thumb from the last time I bowled 25 or 30 years ago. MJ changed shoes first and went for an 8 LB ball, that turned out to be the wrong one, but I'll get to that. I went to the far side of the bowling alley to get my 15 LB black ball, where I found a dude leaning on the selection trying to hit on some chick. I excused myself and he said a good set of balls were important when bowling and I walked away staring back at this idiot wondering why he was still out of prison.



When I returned to alley 26, MJ was all ready to begin. She had entered my bowling handle onto the computer, where it said big as life, "Chicago Mel". Now that's a respectable bowling moniker.



MJ's first ball was a gutter ball, oh too bad. Then she followed with a second one and announced her ball was no good and went searching for a correction ball, but in that entire bowling alley there didn't seem to be one that was going to improve her game. I quietly smiled, not knowing how I was going to bowl after all of these years. My first ball got 9 pins and then I picked up the spare. Whew, I avoided embarrassment.........so far! With the better ball, MJ wound up with a 50, averaging 5 pins a frame, not bad, ahem... I bowled a 119 and was happy with my score and felt I'd satisfied my bowling needs for the decade, but no, MJ started another game.



That second ball did wonders for MJ's game when she bowled a 103 the second time. After me accusing her of riding the short bus all off the way through school, MJ did pretty well and was ready to start throwing her third game when I announced I'd pulled enough muscles and felt DONE!



I limped, as MJ walked to the cashier to check out. That's when MJ told the kid we wanted the senior citizen's discount and he wouldn't believe MJ was over 55. He took one look at me and gave it to us gladly.



We headed out to the Cheesecake Factory for an emergency piece of cheesecake. MJ had the Macadam Cream and I went for the Chocolate Muse'. On the way home we discussed the possibility of us joining a league, but decided it was futile! Not until we go shopping for our own bowlin' shoes.

Hot Fudge Sundaes...

I think at some point we all go through things that should remain unmentionable, but being a leader among men, I shall dare to cross that barrier of acceptable verses unmentionable.

Last night, after eating a burger and potato salad, I noticed I was having a little discomfort in the lower left quadrant of my stomach. No, I have no medical background, simply my own observation and I was hoping that it would be just a little discomfort. About an hour later, my girlfriend called and invited me over to spend the night. Whippeeeeee!!!

I changed clothes, splashed on a little cologne and I was ready for an evening of romance. I arrived and the door was unlocked. I let myself in and surprised my lady by scaring the shit out of her. One of my favorite arrivals. Because I've already disclosed to you that I was spending the night and I want to salvage her reputation, I won't tell you the name of my lady, just her initials, "MJ".

After watching a cutting edge episode of the Dog Whisperer, MJ's favorite show (boring) she announces that her life is not going well and to make her feel better about herself, we need to go to no other place, but Dairy Queen for hot fudge sundaes. I was a little alarmed to see that she not only knew the exact location of a Dairy Queen, but it's daily hours and a short cut using only side streets to get there. It was when she knew the exact total for 2 medium hot fudge sundaes, that really alarmed me. I handed over the $5.61 and drove back to her house while MJ devoured her sundae in about 1/2 the time it took me.

It was getting late and MJ had to work the next day, so we retired to the bedroom. MJ has no idea that I planned everything, by wearing my new low cut Levi's with the tight butt and she was now powerless to my advances.

After our imaginary cigarette, we watched the news and MJ turned off the lights, saying goodnight. Without warning, my stomach started playing taps with sort of a growling sound and I knew things were not right. Were would the last place in the world you'd want to be when such a thing strikes. That's right, your new girlfriend's bed. I could tell that MJ was already asleep by the steady roar of her snoring and snorting. She also has the ability to simulate the noises that cats make when breeding, all coming from her nose. It's fascinating, really. One day I'd like to record it and play it on America's Funniest Videos, but I digress. Without alerting her to my absence, I slip out from under her hold and stumble my way to the restroom, where I thank God for a noisy exhaust fan. About 15 minutes later and about 2 LB lighter, I crawl back into bed, where I just lay there while my stomach cramps back up.

Completely in the dark, I try not to step on either pup and still find my clothes to dress. Shit, my shoes are in a different room! Stumbling in the dark of a strange house, I suddenly feel like a burglar looking for my shoes. Finding my shoes, I sit on the sofa to put them on and just miss Tilly, MJ's 4 LB dog. With a mini yelp and a growl she goes away to sleep in a safer place.

My plan is to sneak out the garage and use her daughter's garage door opener out of her car, to execute my escape and just bring it back the following day, as she's out of town currently. My problem is, her car is equipped with a built-in garage opener and it's not removable. Still in the dark, I walk into the stackable washer and dryer nose first, ouch! Now I'm looking for a door that goes to the outside so I can just slip out and use the gate to get to my car, still leaving her house locked up. I find that door, but wind up in a storage room.

Tripping my way back to MJ's bedroom where she's sweetly sleeping and snorting, I trip and wake her up. Rubbing her eyes, she says what's wrong, Honey? (She calls me Honey, when she's not mad, yet) I explain my plight and she walks me to the front door and says these words to me as I'm explaining about my poor stomach. "I'm sleepy, don't linger" and I just leave....