Saturday, September 5, 2009

Boring Mel Gets Excited...

I'm boring. It's nothing new, I've been boring for years. Why do you think bright gray is my favorite color? I've been told from time to time that I'm boring, but usually by people that are completely out of control. I personally consider myself medium boring to daringly boring. You know, pretty much like everyone else.
So here's what's going on in my boring life. I fired the Real Estate Broker that I hired for not doing shit to market my lovely home. She came here, threw around a few insults about decorating and smells and listed me in the MLS as a home for sale. Then she sat on her rather wide ass and waited for someone to sell the pink elephant. It didn't happen. I decided to go with another broker that would be proactive in marketing my house with virtual pictures on the Internet and having a professional come in and do the photography, as well as a few open houses thrown in for good measure. This gives me the impression that she's trying, not just waiting for the commission. and resting on her laurels.
I no sooner fire her ass, that by the way I made sure when I hired her that I had an escape clause, that she calls me up with an offer from a private investor that she miraculously has in her back pocket. Keep in mind that I don't trust this woman any farther than I can throw her and I've already indicated she never suffered a day in her life from anorexia. At the height of the real estate fiasco, my house was selling for $800,000 and the offer on the table (not in writing, so far) is $400,000. I'm asking $440,000, but am about to drop the price to $425,000. I counter with a $410,000 and am declined and the buyer is firm at 400G. Now my real estate broker steps in and gets creative and offers to waive a good portion of her commission, creating a net price to me that is almost equal to my counter, within 2 grand. I tell her I need 24 hours to digest it, and she immediately thinks of food and hangs up. While tapping my right index finger to my temple, I go over the facts. My chunky old broker is about to become history, when she pulls this offer out of her ass. She then gets creative, trying to make it happen for Boring Mel. I'm thinking that if she had tried a little harder, I'd go her route. With her kind offer, her commission would be $12,000 instead of $20,000. That's still a lot of money for her doing very little. She has someone do the paperwork and drove it all the way over for me to sign. Then she lifted the phone and ordered a sign and posted her new listing to the MLS, moved a few trinkets around my tables in my living room and left. She's the listing and selling agent on this deal so she gets 100% of the money. If she dropped her commission to 2%, she would net $8000 for her work. If she doesn't accept my counter she gets nothing. I tell her my counter offer, explain that it's business, not personal (she needed that) and she replies, "I don't work for nothing". I sweetly explain that if she doesn't accept my kind counter, she will be working for nothing and she finally realizes I right!
She called me back to tell me she can't get in touch with her buyer because of the weekend and she'll call me back when she hears something. I think my house "may" be sold!
Now I've got a new problem. One of the contingencies is that I be out in 30 days. Where will I go? She wanted me out in 10 days, but that's just not possible.
You may or may not know that I'm seeing a woman named Dippy. Her real name is Linda and she's about the sweetest woman I've ever met. My goal upon meeting her was to get to know her pretty well and try to mold my boring life to hers. We've only been together about 6 weeks though and everyone knows that's too soon, right? A friend of mine told me that when you get to my age, you're supposed to switch to dog years to measure time, because frankly your days are numbered. 6 weeks in dog years is 48 weeks and that's almost a year. So I said to Linda, would you consider me as a roommate? With that shocked Dippy look, she said, hell no! Then I let her get used to the idea and we talked and then we thought about it for awhile and talked some more. She asked where I'd put all my stuff and I said, storage. Hmm..... she said. I hardly know you she said, I agreed. We just spent 2 days together, almost 48 hours and she never gets on my nerves and I don't think I get on her nerves either. I do kind of love her (a li'l bit) too and she feels the same. Hmm..... again....
We talked on the phone tonight and she told me she discussed it with her daughters and to my surprise, and frankly it was clever of her to do this, she ran a $40 background check on me and called to say I had no record. I laughed and told her I could have saved her $40 by just asking. Hey, I'm boring Mel, boring guys don't get in trouble! The thing that really pisses me off about the whole thing is, with that $40 we could have gone to dinner!
I'm really not sure if we'll do that yet, but it's nice that she cares... I'll keep you posted.


Jules said...

Dear Homeless,

Sorry to tell you, I just hung the "No Vacancy" sign this morning.

But congratulations on selling that smelly house! Think of the money you'll save on Fabreeze. You can give Linda her forty bucks back.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I'm so happy for you! I wouldn't trust that RE agent too much though. But to have you finally mention the "L" word about Dippy is so sweet. Hang in there and thanks for sharing your wonderful news...and tell her I could have saved her money cause I used Intelius on you but paid 50 bucks! Now there's a potential business...reselling (at a discount of course)old boyfriend/date background checks....Heeheehee....I have quite the collection for sale! Gotta kiss a few frogs to find that prince/princess! NMS

Anonymous said...

This is great news Mel! See, I asked a few blogs ago if you were in love.
I knew it when you said that you missed her. Life is change, it really is and that's okay. I am also borderline boring, but don't mind it
because it also means "lacking drama". I think Linda is one lucky girl!!!!!!!!!!!!! Deb