Sunday, November 22, 2009

Cookie Smuggler... A Story of LOVE....

My Saturday night date with MJ included a visit to the movies. MJ is an avid movie fan, while my past history hasn't been nearly as active at the cinema. I'd say off hand that I've been to 3 movies in the past 6 months and the last time before that I saw "Dead man Walking" with Sean Penn, so as you can see, I didn't used to be a fan of the movies. That's all different now that I don't smoke or drink.
MJ arrived at my house and brought me a present of a CD that plays fire on your TV screen. I literally didn't know what to say. Would you? When the movie of fire is over, the fire goes out. Pretty anticlimactic. We talked for awhile, as she tried to pry me out of the funky mood I was in, when suddenly she screamed, "We have to go"! The movie that was 5 minutes away, was starting in 15 minutes. I'd call that right on time. MJ is a little on the hyper side and a pretty controlling person. I mentioned it to her and she replied that she thought she could control that. Great!
MJ drove in her Cadillac with the new tires and made it a point to tell me to let my 3 readers know that she did in fact pay me for the tires, IF her bogus check ever clears. Fingers crossed, I'll have to wait until Monday.
Keep the category of "HYPER" in mind for the rest of the story.
Being the avid movie fan that she is, she keeps in her purse a couple of t-shirts that say Harkins Theaters and 2 empty plastic cups. These enable us to have free popcorn and $1 drinks. Frankly, more than I could understand. MJ pulls up in front of the theater and orders me out of the car to get into the line to purchase tickets, only there is no line. I begin to tell her I'll just go along to park the car and she screams "MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!" You'd think they had just dropped the bomb on Hiroshima! I purchased the tickets and then experienced a strange phenomenon. Men were standing and waiting for their respective women to park their cars, pick them up and go into the movie theater.
MJ complained the entire time that you don't wait until we did, to go to a movie on date night. I'd never been to a movie on date night and wasn't even sure we were dating until last week when MJ informed me. Getting back to the fiasco.....
I offered to sit close to the screen, but little miss high maintenance refused to, sighting an old war injury to her neck. I was cool with that. We walked all of the way up the stairs on the West side of the theater and there were not 2 seats together. Descending, we headed to the East side of the theater and only about 2 steps up sat 3 people, then an empty seat, then a 400 LB woman about 25 years old, an empty seat, then another grossly obese woman that looked just like the first one, but much older. I believed them to be a mother cow and her calf. At this point I feel it's necessary in the interest of the story, to disclose that MJ is a little hard of hearing. Well, she very hard of hearing and I usually have to raise my voice the slightest bit to be heard. She's really a lovely, controlling girl, but just a little deaf. We all have flaws.
Realizing that MJ is now focusing in on these two, I begin to panic and think perhaps she doesn't realize WHY the two women have left a seat between them. These are the type that cannot fit in one airplane seat, why would they be able to sit next to one another in a movie? Suddenly, without warning MJ begins to give this duet the international sign to "move the hell over". The calf is trying to respond, while I'm speaking directly into MJ's best ear, "They're fat, that's why they can't sit together. MJ continues her assault. She begins to mouth, MOVE OVER... Now louder, I'm speaking into her ear, "they're too fat". MJ is now yelling, move over, when suddenly, without the aid of a hoist or anything, the calf gets up and moves over to the seat next to Mama cow. Now I whisper, pretty loudly so MJ might hear. "I don't want to sit next to them, we'll be crunched in. MJ volunteers to sit next to baby calf who informs MJ that she suffers from panic attacks in close situations, but she didn't want to scream it across the isle. Great, if this 25 year old heifer freaks out, MJ will be crushed and I'll have no ride home!
I keep sniffing the air to see if I can smell the fat chicks, but it's cool. With MJ to my left and a 15 year old kid to my right, the trailers were finally over and this kid is text messaging someone about every 90 seconds. His phone lights up and chimes it announcement and he gets busy texting back. Pretty soon it happens again, the kid giggles and replies, but doesn't forget to poke me about 1000 times with his awkward, recently grown arms. GREAT!
Picture this... Unknown to anyone, the two cows each have their own assortment of Tupperware full of goodies. Everything from cooked meat to slice cucumbers could be both smelled and heard. At some point, MJ had asked me where I keep my baggies at the house, and I told her, never asking why. About 20 minutes into the movie, I look over and there are now 3 fat chicks eating out of their respective plastic bags, with MJ munching away on a bagful of chocolate chip cookies! Whoa is me...
Sandra Bullock was great in the football movie and I teared up more than once. We went home and watched that fire on TV. You know, the second viewing was much better...


Anonymous said...

As I've said, the next movie we will go to my neighborhood Harkins. It's never crowded on any day or night. And you could have helped me eat the cookies instead of sitting there licking my neck during the movie! NMS

Things I Left Behind said...

Dear Martha Jane:

I wasn't licking your neck to be fresh! Fat chicks sweat a lot and I was craving salt!
(Sorry Baby, you left yourself wide open for that one.)

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