Being of Jewish descent and being able to browse through a catalogue of women in the form of Match.com, I am able to choose someone that offers their age, height, weight, religion and hair color. Now every time I see a woman of the Jewish faith, I feel an imaginary tap on my shoulder and of course it's my mother, in her more than capable way, making me feel guilty. It was her purpose in life, now in her absence it continues in my mind. I hear her say, "she looks nice" each and every time I pass a profile of a Jewish woman. So I tend to give priority to the Jewish girls over any other. Each and every time, I'm left in the dust, horribly disappointed.
Enter Chelsea, her real name. Not too many Chelseas in my age category, since it's a pretty new name. I assume it's a screen name, but just a guess. Chelsea is 53, although when I read her profile, it began with "Oops, I hit 53 and meant 63 and they won't let me change it!
Right, and monkeys can fly, I'm thinking. I already know one very important fact about Chelsea, she's a liar! With this tucked away for future reference, I decide if she appears as she does in her pictures, I really don't care about what her true age is, it's irrelevant. I write to her and she's open to meeting me. She used big words like, "commonality". She offered me her cell number and it was from North Carolina, interesting. She was Jewish, spent some time in North Carolina, not a place where you find too many Jews AND she's a liar. Moving forward, I try calling her but she allows it to go to voice mail. You know, with cell phones, when someone doesn't answer, it's not because they're not home! They consciously choose not to answer. That's fine, we all have times during our day that it's not okay to answer a phone, I know I do. She called me back and I was busy and she left a message that she was very busy and the first time she'll have free was Thursday and that was just to talk. She had to work, although her profile said she was retired and then it was a meeting with the Condo board and so forth. I texted her back that I'll try calling again after 9 on Wednesday night, after her sculpting class. I phoned her last night.
I opened the conversation with,
"This is that call we've been trying to schedule", do you know who this is?
She replied: "Yes, it's Mel..."
(So far pretty smooth, huh?)
Me: So you're a pretty busy person, I see.
Her: Well, I work on the weekends and even though I say I'm retired, I'm more like semi retired. I was working a full week, but only on the weekends now.
Me: So, what sort of work to you do?
Her: I really don't like to tell people what I do because..... (Well, now I'm thinking this is really cool, CIA, FBI at least. I just watched a movie with Colon Farrow(?) and Al Pachini entitled "the Recruit" and I was all wired for something similar!
Me: Are you going to tell what you do or will you have to kill me if I find out. She giggles and says, it's nothing like that, I just don't like for people to know where I work and what I do. (Long silence) I work at Lowe's! I'm your bulb and fixture girl.
Me: I was hoping for at least a paid killer! What's wrong with working at Lowe's? Well, I'm different that all of the other employees there, she explained.
Me: In what way, I ask.
Her: Well, you know what I mean. They're all working class people and I......... Well, ya know???
Oh my God, folks! We have an actual Jewish American Princess here. My worst fear brought to light, right on my very AT&T phone!
Although I wasn't quite ready to just blow her off, I was close. I bated her on a few other subjects, such as marriages and children. She had been married twice, both for just 5 years and no children. I said, so you kind of lucked out on the kids, she said, yeah, no kids, I don't know what I would have done with children, they're awful!
The chance of our being a match are now down below 10%, but the fun is not yet over. I tell her my brief story, about my house selling in short sale and living with a friend and I'm about to wrap things up when I tell her that I'm not sure if it's a good idea to meet just yet, perhaps we should talk some more. That's when she laid the bombshell on me.
Her: Are you sure you can afford a girlfriend?
Me: Long and dragging silence.... I have SO many things to say, but all that comes out is, How much is one? She reiterated...
I mean, I'm doing just fine by myself, I don't need a man to support!
Okay, now we have it, Full Blown Jewish American Princess, at her finest...
I have finally gotten to a place where, when my mother looks over my imaginary shoulder and makes my choices for me, I just just turn and tell her to SHUT the HELL UP!
I thought of a gazillion things to say to her, but took pleasure in just saying goodbye as she was speaking, and hung up. As I was sitting here writing this, the following email arrived and no, I'll not answer it.
Title: Deserving of the Stink Eye.
Actual picture from Picture from 09
I am apologizing for my crass, insensitive, rude, stupid and all together boorish question. I hope you will accept my sincere apology. I do not expect an answer to this e-mail but I will tell you I needed an Ambian last night over it.