The Tooth Bandit...

Barry-Harvey-Mel

About 5 and 1/2 years ago, I was laying on an operating table and a guy wearing a mask took a scalpel and sliced 9 inches down the center off my chest. Then he took a dremel and sawed my breast bone in half, withdrew my beating heat, stopped it and performed a triple bypass on it, but only after patching the large gaping hole that another untalented doctor accidentally poked in it, during an angiogram. They wired my ribs back together and sewed up the obnoxious wound and I'm still not sure that's any worse than how I feel about going to my dentist's appointment tomorrow afternoon.

That nagging, obnoxious, annoying, irritable, jagged, tooth will not give me a break. The worse part is over and the swelling is down, but it's still way over sensitive for a molar that's hardly ever asked to do anything. The truth is, there are no teeth living downstairs of it, so I find it futile to ask it to perform any tasks. It's downstairs neighbors were evicted many years ago when some unknown dentist in Scottsdale declared then unfit for active duty. I labor about losing the tooth primarily because we've become attached to one another in a very intimate fashion. I know that new guy tomorrow is going to look over his glasses and while hiding behind his mask of anonymity, give me that death sentence frown and the old tooth with be history.



On another front and another coast, I got a call from Barry tonight, telling me he had some bad news. Barry is my friend of 55 years, that has been stricken with terminal cancer and when he calls and says he's got bad news, I freak the hell out! Although his news was bad, it wasn't about him. Our other friend Harvey in Connecticut, went to the doctor today suffering from shortness of breath. Harvey is the guy in the center of the picture that looks like he may have gained a lot of weight in the last few years and I mean like 75 lbs, maybe even more? The doctor performed a stress test and stopped him in the middle and did an angiogram. He sent him directly to the hospital for open heart surgery to replace at least 3 veins that are severely blocked. Barry says he's scared shitless and doesn't want to talk to anyone, who would blame him? He'd probably trade places with me in a minute and choose the dentist! Tonight I'll be praying for his quick recovery and a great outcome.

Hot and Sunny...

I just checked the temperature and it says on my computer that it's 109 degrees. I checked the weather expectations for today and it said 113. Humph... Not as hot as it sometimes gets around here, but toasty. No need for a sweater today, for certain. I advertised that my Expedition had the coldest air in all of AZ, and to be sure to bring a sweater for the test drive. Maybe that's what sold it? Here's how hot it is, currently. Turn your hair dryer on high and place it in front of your face and see how long you can just keep it there. That's how it feels to drive without AC and the windows down.

It was August of 1974, when we first landed here in AZ. It was me, my older son Stuart and my wife, Barb. Brad was too young for this camping trip and he stayed in Chicago under the care of his Gramma Mary. He was a bout 15 months old. We searched around the Chandler area for a house, thinking that Chandler was a suburb of Phoenix. That's how it was in Chicago, why should AZ be different? When we first stepped out of the realtor's Mercury Marquis, I felt almost dizzy adjusting to the extreme temperature. Our Realtor explained that it was usually a dry heat and we'd soon get used to it. My question is.........................WHEN?

No, I was Married to a Jockey!

You tend to meet a variety of people when using the Internet to find a mate. I find that there are also a variety of intellects. Some women are so smart and so above me that I use both hands while discussing world events with them, but by the same token, some are not too bright. It is a duller bulb on the tree, that I talk about now.

The title line of this post sounds to me like a punch line from a good joke. "No, I was married to a jockey!" I was cruising the dating site yesterday when I came across a screen name "Old woman58". I had to laugh because that was a pet name for one of my former girlfriends and she returned it to me by calling me, "Old Man". Pretty endearing, huh? I decide to read her rather below average profile, but a couple of things catch me eye. I already mentioned her screen name, but then she goes ahead and talks about how she doesn't like drama, similar to about 4034 other profiles and mentions she drives an 88 Trooper and if that bothers you, tough! I decide that this woman is either really quick or really dumb. I send her an email saying just what I told you, but left out the dumb part. About an hour later, I get her reply. She's, by this time read my profile, which is pretty funny on this website and replies that she's afraid to write anything to me that may be "incorrect" (because I mention that I have a respect for proper grammar and punctuation) After her use of the word "incorrect" she writes, (is that a word) should have been my first warning, right?

In her first and really only email, she asks for my phone number and I comply. It's Sunday afternoon and I'm bored. She calls about 5 minutes later and let the confusion commence. How many times have I been married, she asks. Just the 3 times you're supposed to get married, I reply. This confuses her. I explain. The first one is your factory marriage that should come with a warranty, but doesn't. Then you have your rebound marriage, that never works for anyone and last, your perfect marriage that is supposed to last forever! She asks what happened to the last marriage that is supposed to last forever? I told her the marriage was perfect, but the people messed it up. She was good with that.

She explained that she had only been married once, but he gave her 7 kids and those 7 were all born in different places because they moved around a lot. I asked if her husband was in the Military and she said, (here it comes) "No, I was married to a jockey"! I burst out laughing and couldn't control myself. She kept asking, what's wrong? She went ahead and told me the story of her 88 Trooper and how she got fired from Fry's, where she was a cashier for, bopping when she should have "beeped". She said she had to hang up because she was cooking broccoli for a special broccoli diet she's going on and I said goodbye. I kept laughing every time I imagined how her house must smell and wondered how tall her ex-husband was. Back to the drawing board.

Smoking or Non?

I was just sitting and daydreaming about some of the things that we were told were "good" for us, that turned out to be killers.

The first thing that came to mind was cigarettes. Nine of of ten doctors smoked Camels! L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco! KENT with the Micronite filter. (Well, if it has a Micronite filter it MUST be good! Parliament with the recessed filter, hmmm...... recessed, huh? Who didn't want to be cool like the Marlboro Man? Our parents smoked and told us one day we would be able to also, but it's just for "Adults"! So, if I made it to the correct age, I would be privileged to smoke, drink alcoholic beverages and the other big one, "Drink Coffee". So with Nicotine, caffeine and alcohol, we were all destined for an early demise.

The tobacco companies plotted against the public to hook them to their highly addictive bi-product of cigarettes, Nicotine. They romanced us with sexy commercials and billboards, to join the smoking population. If you didn't smoke and I respect that group, you were the exception, not the normal. You had to ask for a non-smoking seat on airplanes and in restaurants.

One day, I heard a rumor that cigarette smoking caused lung cancer. More and more testimonials were recorded of people that smoked and got lung cancer as a result. I knew that one day I'd have to quit, but how? I had been smoking for many years by then. I was an adult and I smoked and drank and used coffee to wake up in the morning. I was an American!

I quit smoking 22 years ago, quit using alcohol almost 6 years ago and I may as well give up coffee too, it's only a matter of time until they find it causes Menopause! Many years ago, my father suffered a heart attack. The doctor suggested plenty of red meat for rehab. It would help his low iron problem. They didn't know about cholesterol back then, which brings me to the REAL reason for this post and that is that I refuse to try Wii. Not until they rule out Alzheimer's!

A Morning with Annie

Hello Reader/readers:

Something just happened and I'd better put it down while it's still fresh in my mind. What I did was completely out of character for me, but sometimes you just have to sit back and make a decision. My decision was to not fall into this crevice and stop attracting the wrong element. The first thing I noticed about this high school teacher, was that she couldn't spell, but I forgave that, after all, she has a house in Flagstaff! (Mountains with cool breezes through Pines)

Hi from Flag,
So your a brain guy? I think we may have a lot in common. What do you think? I have a home in Scotts. and one iin Flag. Annie

MY REPLY:
Hi Annie:

First, thank you for initiating contact, that's difficult for some people. Next, I'm more than a little disappointed that you don't want to parent anymore children. I was really really looking for someone that would join me in parenting a baby, thus creating the first instant grandchild in history, completely skipping over an entire generation. (I hope you realize I'm joking here.)

I did indeed enjoy your profile and would like to get to know you better. You mention that you have a home in Flagg and I find that very attractive as the temperature soars up around 110, lol.

One of the questions that Match SHOULD require is: How many times have you been married? Personally, I like a woman that has experience in relationships. I see that you list widow as marital status and for that I offer my condolences...

Mel
PS. With 2 homes, how do you remember where you left your glasses?

2. Very funny, more kids! No thank you. However I do enjoy practicing. Funny my youngest son had a baby five days ago! Just got back from Berkeley.
One has tons of glasses and then they don't worry I am so luck to have two worlds, the desert and the mountains.
I have been married once. Long term. All ended in a horrible crash on the 101 several years ago. My late husband was a prominent well liked business man. How about you, Mr. Me. No name#?#/ I have dated quite a bit in the last couple of years. I am very social. I enjoy people of all ages. How about you?
So you are attracted to brains in women? I am attracted to a man who is a great conversationalist, kind, fit, eats healthy and is also smart. Someone who has strong points that I don't have. What do you want? I also love a guy who lkes to play and tease and laugh. Your note was witty and fun.
How many kids do you have? I have two boys? Grandkids? Both boys went to Ca Berkeley. Both guys literally never came home. They love CA. I have two grand children, a little girl and a new baby boy.
So what do you think, ME? Name, pls. Annie


3. I just reread your bio, and I like you. You are funny as hell. Annie D

4.Ok, what is stink eye? Annie
5. Hey Me.
What did you do for a living, Mr. Stink EYE? Or is that a top secret? Where did you go to college? BTW we are both mid westerner's! Why do we always find each other? So what are you doing? Tonight I am going to my best friend's house for a Jamican dinner. My girlfriend's 95 yr old mother-in-law is in town, with her nurse, who is from Barbados and she is doing an authenitic dinner party for us all. Isn't that the coolest? Can you top that? How long have you lived in Phx. Where? I am off of Shea and 136th St. I am listening to Pink on my Ipod. I love her. "I Don't Believe You" is playing. It is gorgeus. Go to Amazon and listen to it and tell me what you think, pls.? I am still in my work out clothes.
So if you like brainy women. Do you date ugly brainy women? Ha! Annie D.

My Final Reply:
Annie:

You had me thinking I was negligent when I shared my deepest thoughts with you, about 30 minutes ago. I just checked and that thing written above the PS, was indeed my name. M-E-L... My mother chose that name and my father never spoke, so Mel is was. When she was living, I mentioned many times my opinion of her choice, JEEZ!

I just got your second email. You JUST now read my profile??? What did you base your first contact on? I didn't think women were supposed to be just visual, (like men).

I've been married 3 times, one passed away. My first wife of 11 years gave me 2 sons also. One is out of state. One in Illinois and the other here. The Illinois boy has 3 kids with 2 different wives and the AZ boy has one son, 6.

All men are attracted to pretty women, it's just natural. I've found that the prettiness wears off pretty quick when the sun comes up. That's when the bright, creative mind comes in handy. My first wife was an arm piece, if you will, but when the dust settled, there wasn't much left.

And here comes email number 3! The Stink Eye from the Little Rascals. Picture Alfalfa giving Spanky a "dirty look". There you have the Stink Eye!

Wife number 2 passed away and number 3 was a good choice, but had never been married before and frankly made a terrible wife. She just didn't know how to do it. I know that sounds strange.

I just received email number 4 and frankly, you're a little over the top for me. Good luck in the future and enjoy your weekend. If you ask yourself what happened, look back at your over-attentive attitude. Smothering...

I knew she wasn't the type to just accept my decision and that an email was yet to come and sure enough, it blasted into my mailbox with rapid fire. I thought of blocking her, but she really hasn't annoyed me ..................yet. Honestly, it was the "go to Amazon, pls", that got to me.


Interesting Mel,
I am an artist and I am visual, completely. However, I do realize as you do, that once the initial attraction, there has to be more. I am attentive, and also in the moment. Sorry that it smothers you. I have never heard that one before. Good to know, because I am very loving and kind. Best to you also. Annie

You know, I never really thought she was too cute, either.

Conclusions...

My dentist

Today I've come to a couple of conclusions. First is something that I was really kind of shocked by and it is that a lot of people are in love with their dentists. I know it sounds odd, but all you have to do is mention that you're in tooth pain or that you don't have a dentist you trust and dentists come flying out of nowhere, at your service. I probably speak with about 4 women on a regular basis and the one thing they all have in common is that they have the BEST dentist in captivity. I've already decided to use a Scottsdale dentist by the name of Dana, so I'll let you know how my tooth comes out and I probably mean that literally. OUCH! I'm looking forward to a new way of whistling in the following week.

Here is the other oddity. Evidently there were no live female births in 1953. With the exception of my last wife, not a single female was born that year. I've met several women that claim to be 57, but not a single one actually is. They're all anywhere from 60 to 70 and it isn't too tough to find it out. Honestly, I've become so gun shy about it, that as soon as a woman mentions her age being 57, I think she's lying.

Here is another example of how things are going. I met a woman online and guess what her age was. Right, 57, (62). All I had to do was ask her and her answer came flowing from her mouth and it sounded like about 25 others that used that same exact reason for lying. My daughter/girlfriend/relative wrote the profile for her and she didn't even know they did that, giggle! When I hear that, I usually just take the phone away from ear and look at it. Get the picture? The following email is from her and it showed up this morning. What alarms me about this one is this. She lives in a million dollar plus house in Cave Creek. She owned and operated a major advertising firm in Chicago, but sold it. She's soft spoken, educated, a true lady but she currently has an office in a high rent area in Scottsdale where she practices and teaches healing. WTF??? I'm going to edit her email so as not to release her personal information, but here is her email to me concerning my ailing tooth and why I really don't know how to handle it, but first, my email to her:

Do you realize we've come full circle in our relationship, yet have never met. We started by emailing through Match, then spoke on the phone and emailing direct didn't seem too successful. Now for comunications, we're back to writing on Match. Hmm....

For me, not doing too well. Back last Oct. I suffered an abcessed tooth. I was in Chicago at the time visiting and went to a dentist friend of mine. He told me the tooth was fractured and to take the Z-pak and go home to my dentist and have a root canal. Well the tooth got better, the swelling in my chip monk face went down and fever lowered. I drove back to Phx in a car I bought while there and everything was fine, except my girlfriend at the time broke up with me, but that's another story, lol...
I could not get myself to go to a strange dentist and volunteer my tooth to humanity (for R&D, you know,research and developement) So, I had a long talk with the tooth and decided if it will just keep quiet about everything that happened, I wouldn't turn him into a dentist for a root canal or possible extraction (ouch). Things went as agreed for 9 months until last week when it started acting up again. I begged the tooth to stand by our agreement, but it refused. (That tooth just may be a female tooth, who knew?)
I called my buddy, a doctor and he supplied me with another Z-pak and currently the pain and swelling has calmed down and I'm threatening to go to a dentist and turn the turncoat in.

That's how I've been. And you???

Mel

Good morning Mel,

It was good hearing from you and I am sorry to hear about your tooth. I have been through that before and it is not fun. This morning I am visiting my dentist who I really like to have my temporary bridge re-glued. I highly recommend him and he is located on Shea and Scottsdale Rd. His name is Dr. Joe Schmow and his number is 480 555-5555. His address is 2900 N Scottsdale Rd, 85284.

I do love the way you describe it. It put a big smile on my face this morning.

Yes, we certainly have gone full circle. Do you want to meet sometime?

Today I meet with my dentist at 9 and have a lunch meeting at 11:30. I am doing a healing in my office which is also at Scottsdale and Thomas at 1:30 and another at 3:00. After that I am driving way out to east Mesa for a function this evening. Tomorrow is more promising. Looks like I will be working at home most of the day. If you would like, I can do some distance healing tomorrow morning on your tooth, but I need a bit more information. Let me know.

At any rate, wishing you a glorious pain free day.

Susan

Now did I read that correctly? She's going to work on my tooth by phone? Distance healing? Is that like tossing an aspirin into your mouth from a distance? The truth is, she scares me. Witch doctors do too... Now if she knew a little Voodoo, I can wrap my limited mind around it! OY!

Squeaky Comes Home...

(sneaking around)

(Squeaky in his hole)

Yesterday I filled in the hole that Squeaky had made as an entrance to him humble home. I toyed with the idea of sticking my arm into the hole, to try to retrieve some of my stolen tomatoes, but thought better of such a foolish deed. This morning, I see that Squeaky is back and just basking in the sun catching early morning rays. I went out to ask him where he'd been for the past 30 or so hours, but something frightened him and he ran away. I took a cup of coffee out there to enjoy or Arizona summer and read the newspaper, before it got unGodly hot, when suddenly I smelled tomatoes. It was Squeaky. He had sneaked up behind me and I could smell the tomatoes still on his breath!

Isn't it funny how things seem to run in series? When I was in the car business, for a period, all of the cars I bought needed radiators, then it was paint jobs, next they seemed to need windshields. Well the same thing seems to be happening with women. All of the women I'm meeting now are 5' 2"! Honestly, that's kind of short for me. You know how I love to dance and when my dance partner is short, it kind of hurts my neck to hunch over. I may have met the perfect woman. (except her height), she gorgeous, blond with blue and a dynamite fugure. She's a college prfessor at Paradise Valley Community College and teaches psychology. Yesterday morning I carved a notch into my cell phone, as I broke a new personal record and we spoke on the phone for 3 hours and 31 minutes and not only did we laugh like hyenas, because she's hysterical too, but I learned more from her than any instructor or shrink I ever met. Here's the best part. She uses AT & T too, so I didn't ANY minutes! Life just don't get any better than that...