Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Rinky Dink Surgicenter...

I'm back from my procedure but didn't have it done. Here's what happened. I tried to sleep as late as possible, since I knew I wasn't going to be able to eat or drink anything today, so my theory was to extend the sleep portion of my day as long as possible, make sense? At about 9:30 I glanced over at my phone to see it flashing like crazy, indicating some sort of communication that I'd missed. I keep my phone on 24 hours a day, but turn off the ringer at night. There are 4 messages for me to listen to and they are all from the Surgi-center that I am scheduled to be at around 2 PM. I listen and evidently my girl got it wrong again with her last call last night when she moved me to a 2PM check in. Now it's a 1 PM check in. I got the feeling that if I drove right over there now, they'd take me. I called them back with the same information that I supplied to them yesterday on the phone, since there was no record of it.

I made a list of my medications, and casually spent the rest of the morning starving and wanting coffee, that was not to be consumed. I'm on a strict "nothing by mouth" 8 hours before surgery. Twelve thirty rolls around and LJ drives me over to the place that's not too far from the house. She drops me off and goes shopping to the mall. I eventually get invited back by a pleasant little lady named Laura. She's my get ready nurse. I'm instructed to sign a bunch of releases and asked to hop into a hospital gown and nylon stockings that go all the way up my legs to the groin. I'm glad there is no mirror in my little area because I had no desire to see myself in drag. I'm instructed to not tie the gown and just leave it open in the back. I put a net over my head and try my best to climb onto the gurney in a ladylike manner and not shoot a beaver! No way is it possible!

At some point we are joined my several other nurses. One says she'll be with me to take the ex-rays and another is the head nurse, kind of a butch thing. One of the several nurses in the room seems to know more than the others and I can see her take charge attitude that is appreciated since the others are taking my lead. Suddenly, the take charge girl, lets call her Beth, mentions that my Potassium is awfully high and when did I have my labs taken? I tell her the 17th of May, about a week ago, but this is the absolute soonest I could get scheduled here. She says, that's strange because were wide open. No one scheduled hardly at all. My thoughts go wheeling back to the dumb girl that works in my doctor's office in scheduling.

Then Beth tells me that my Potassium is probably too high to go ahead with this procedure, but we will wait for the doctor to decide. I step in and ask, don't you have a lab here to test it again. Laura says we have a device that tests your Potassium right here is seconds but it's broken and we haven't gotten it fixed. I ask when it broke and she says several months ago and no one knows how to get another one. I suggest they contact the rep for the company, but I'm told it's very expensive and the management has decided not to replace it until business gets better.

Suddenly I think I'm hearing all of this in a dream and this can't really be happening. I ask for my pants! The take charge nurse, Beth says it's a good idea if we wait until the doctor gets here before we decided ourselves. I explain that I've already made my decision and to please give me my pants or do I have to walk out of here in my chorus girl outfit. She laughs and suddenly Dr. Spacey walks in and is already aware of the situation. Before I get a chance to tell him I'm leaving he says, let's reschedule this procedure for next week at a hospital where they will have everything we need. I shake his hand and finally am awarded my stinking pants! I call Julie and ask for a Coke to drink while I wait.

Only in Phoenix, AZ. the Valley of the Sun will you find a penny pinching Surgi-center. I'd be willing to bet that the device they don't have isn't anywhere near as expensive as a law suite.

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