On Thursday night, I spoke with Sally, age 54, one of my Jewesses. She's got a Masters degree in Speech Pathology, but is retiring in a week and taking up her second love, Story Telling. I never knew you went to school for a Story Teller's degree, but why shouldn't the educational institutions take advantage of this topic like everything else. I just hope they don't find out that I've been telling stories without a license for years! Keep it on the "down low"!
Another strange thing happened while conversing with Sally, (not her real name). Suddenly without notice or reason, she began a deep and thorough laughing spell, where she couldn't catch her breath and was literally gasping for air. I got suddenly very quiet as I had not said anything funny to cause this. When she finished and I'm thinking maybe 2 minutes went by, I thought she would explain why she was laughing like a hyena. But no, she simply said, she hadn't laughed like that in a long time, thanks. Me? Thanks for what? I didn't say anything, but was glad I could bring her so much happiness, as a rather large question mark formed over my head.
When I hung up, I took the email address that she gave me and entered it and sent her one of my stories from 2006, entitled "Hauling Matzo across the Desert". I explained that since I needed to send her something to enter her into my address book, I might as well send something instead of "testing". The following day she complimented me on the story and that was that. The following day, she wrote to me saying, how was your day? I didn't reply.............yet. This morning, someone sent me a Jewish joke that I thought was funny so I forwarded it to all of my Jewish friends and Sally was included. It wasn't dirty or suggestive or offensive in any way, just cute.
This afternoon, after my other date for coffee with my other Jewess, I received this email:
Thanks for all of the jokes and letters sent my way. At this point, I am not looking for a talk/email friend. What about you? What are looking for?
Can you believe she left the "i" out of Hi? (just kidding)
Here's what I'm not looking for, a woman that expects a commitment after one phone conversation. I'm also not looking for someone who feels she has to tell me everything she's thinking after a simple joke. If you're not the type to enjoy an occasional joke, you can mention it during a conversation and I'll certainly stop that practice. Ask the Lovely Jules. She told me she deletes that stuff so she doesn't get anymore. Frankly, she's missing out.
So with all of the things I've thought of saying, I've simply decided to delete Sally from the list and just simplify my life. And what was that hideous laughing spell about?
Then there was my coffee date this morning. This date was with Olive, age 51 (again made up). Last night, as I lay in bed reading, at about 10:30 my phone rang and scared the shit out of me, naturally. I answered by saying, Who has the nerve to call me at this hour, Hello. I already knew it was Olive, but I didn't know she was under the influence of alcohol. She giggled something that I had a hard time understanding and she repeated: "I'm on my way home from a Match.com date and wanted to talk to you." Frankly, I was flattered. Some other guy stuffed Italian food down her Jewish throat and all she could think of was calling me. (I blushed) (not really). When I heard her pull into her garage and could hear the dinging of her ignition, I was relieved that she was safe. With a quieted background, she blurted out, "When are we gonna meet"? I simply said, name the time and the place and I'll be there. She said, Starbucks at 7th St. and T-Bird at 11 AM. I said okay, see you then and we hung up. That's when I realized I read until 3:30 AM and wasn't tired. I finally fell asleep, just because I knew I had an appointment in the morning, but only slept until 8 and didn't trust myself to go back to sleep.
I filled up the gas tank and pulled right into the shopping center, only to be cut off by a BMW X5, that took the only parking place. Just then, the car next to the BMW pulled out and I realized the BMW driver was Olive. I honked and waved as she ignored me and walked to Starbucks. Now MJ had given me a Starbucks gift certificate for Christmas, amongst a lot of other goodies and I did remember it. As I was leaving the house, I took it out and inspected it and saw that it needed to be registered before use. Well, you would have thought I'd made an offer to purchase the White House. So many questions and ID and passwords and what city are you originally from? My God and hooray for cash!
By the time I got inside, Olive had already bought her own, oh darn! I swiftly placed $1.68 on my new Starbucks card for my coffee and the employee of the month decided to tell me all of the features of being a Starbucks member. I told him, if I was interested I would have used this Christmas gift before May and walked away. Conversation with Olive was smooth and pleasant until she got to her second divorce and I could see some legitimate anger rising within her. She went on with her story and I watched her turn into a vampire with extended teeth and all. This woman was was STILL angry and as hostile, as if it were a fresh wound. I slipped in one question. When did you get divorced? I expected her to say, "Earlier this morning", as her wounds were still bleeding. She replied, 3 years ago! I tried pretty much to just listen and keep my opinions to myself, but you know me. I told her that by being this angry, still. She is empowering her ex-husband with that anger and I know it's hard, but to let be, what you cannot control. She listened.
I kind of liked Olive and would like to see her again, but we'll see... The playing field is unevened to 3 Christians and 1 Jewess.
And to you a good night!