You should know that the decision to tell these stories played long and hard on me. I finally decided that if you can't handle it, you can always stop reading and cleanse your mind out and return sometime when the topic is less, shall we say, human. I'm talking about something that we all do everyday and just take for granted. Urinating, peeing if you will? I'm sure that everyone has at least one unusual story about peeing and I have two. So offered for the first time on this blog, I give you..... P. STORIES.
The year was around 1969 and the location was Chicago. I was one half of a newlywed couple called Barb and Mel. Next door to us lived another newlywed couple name Steve and Carol and they had just moved to a place called Wilmington, Delaware, the home of DuPont. They asked us to come visit them and we decided that a long weekend would do fine for this road trip. Steve, in his unknowing wisdom, said the trip should be around 6 hours, but it turned out to be 800 miles, so you do the math. Six hours later, we were still leaving Illinois, or so it seemed. At some point, I notified my wife that we were going to have to stop so I could use the facilities, the restroom. We then saw a sign that read, next rest area 37 miles ahead. I knew I couldn't wait that long, so at some point, I pulled over onto the side of the road in a wooded area and wandered into the thick underbrush to find the perfect spot to pee. It was late spring if I recall and things were starting to bloom and the insect population was at it height. I found a rotting log and decided that it would be the perfect target for me to aim at. I unzipped and began peeing when from nowhere, the largest mosquito you ever saw, circled and landed guess where? That's right. I finished my business and zipped up realizing my pants were all wet. I struggled back to the car and told my (then) wife what had taken place and she said, look at you, your pants are all wet and that's gonna smell. She asked how my pants got all wet and I told her that at some point I had no choice, I had to swat the mosquito!
My next story takes place in Arizona around 1978. We had been here for a few years by then and were on a road trip to see the sights of Arizona and frankly it's quite beautiful. This trip was headed to Tucson, Tombstone and Bisbee. We knew another couple from Chicago that moved here and settled in Tucson, Fred and Lois. Fred and Lois were older than us but great fun. Fred was always a little crazy and made good company with Lois playing his straight man. We were pretty lost somewhere in southern Arizona when Barb, my wife announced that she had to pee. Why is it when you have to pee, you just take care of business, but when your wife has to pee, everybody has to get involved? A major production. We were in a wooded area around Rucker Canyon. We had a gun and were trying to shoot the bottom of the "R" off of the Rucker sign.
I told Barb to go into the desert where no one is around and just squat. She said she couldn't, she was afraid to go in there alone. I offered to go with her, but she felt that was a worse idea, she was shy, poor thing. That's when I had the brainstorm of ideas and since it was such an abandoned road and it was. The road we were on was just a dirt back road. I offered for her to just squat down next to the car, open the right rear door and make herself a little private stall, right there on the dirt road. Fred and Lois were off pioneering somewhere about 25 yards away and for arguments sake, we were alone. Barb agreed that that was the best solution to her problem. She opened the back door and started to squat down, dropped her shorts and and when she started, that's when the idea first struck me. My mother used to say that when I would get one of these devilish ideas, she could see a real devil form over my head. Suddenly, without warning or saying a word, I drove away, leaving my squatting wife, peeing right in the middle of a dirt road, so I started honking so Fred and Lois wouldn't miss it...
I still don't know why I can't keep a wife!