Tuesday, May 4, 2010

On Today's Menu...

Recently I ran into a herd of Jewesses. Don't ask me why, I guess I'm one of the chosen ones. <-------(See what I did there?) They are drawn to my wrinkled face and comical personality. Me, I think they're sent by my mother. First is a tall thin 50 year old named Shana. She appeared and then as quickly disappeared. She wrote me a clever intelligent email, I replied and she was gone. I mean gone, even her profile is gone from Match.com. That means one thing to me. She joined the Israelis are to fight for her God given rights. Shalom Shana..

Next is someone, a short blond who only signs her emails "Me" How clever. In a response to some question concerning Judaism, I replied that I had thought all Jews made love through a hole placed carefully in a sheet, creating anonymity between the husband and wife. Come to think of it, it doesn't REALLY need to be YOUR wife or husband, since the whole affair is secret. (Just a thought). She replied that I was wrong, there is a tribe of one eyed cyclops, a chapter of the KKK that's using the sheet with a single hole. This sent me into a wave of laughter that caused me to almost fall off my chair. "Note to self", use seat belt when reading her emails. I still haven't met "ME" but I'll bet she's funny.

Third and certainly least is a woman from the tribe that in answer to my rather clever, lengthy email, simply replied. "Call me, 480 555-5555". I immediately went to my secret website where you put in a telephone number and are given the person's name, address and age. This 54 year old beauty turned out to be 62 as quick as a heartbeat. God I hate a liar. This being my first lengthy cell phone call since giving up my land line yesterday, I was disappointed to hear her TV in the background blasting louder than her voice. After 20 minutes of listening to her favorite TV show, I asked her to turn off her TV since it was creating feedback. You'd have thought I'd asked her give up one of her children. Finally she agreed to turn off Miami Vice and speak to me. Honestly, I preferred Miami Vice. I found her insulting, holier than Thou, condescending, aloof, common, and any other adjective describing bad. She was a main source of the poor reputation that some innocent Jewish women are given. I certainly wouldn't describe "ME" that way. She was from Boston and when I told her where I lived, she had the audacity to scream, "My Gawd, that's where my cleaning girl lives".. Well, that's all it took for me. I explained that my Herpes is active and I want to spread some salve on it before it festers. We hung up. I deleted her number and blocked her from writing to me again, "ich touhy".........

I didn't get a chance to tell you about the one that's only separated that lives in Glendale, owns a home in upstate New York and one in Spain... She's scheduled for tonight and is NOT a Jewess... I'll keep you posted.

No comments: