The Tooth Bandit...

Barry-Harvey-Mel

About 5 and 1/2 years ago, I was laying on an operating table and a guy wearing a mask took a scalpel and sliced 9 inches down the center off my chest. Then he took a dremel and sawed my breast bone in half, withdrew my beating heat, stopped it and performed a triple bypass on it, but only after patching the large gaping hole that another untalented doctor accidentally poked in it, during an angiogram. They wired my ribs back together and sewed up the obnoxious wound and I'm still not sure that's any worse than how I feel about going to my dentist's appointment tomorrow afternoon.

That nagging, obnoxious, annoying, irritable, jagged, tooth will not give me a break. The worse part is over and the swelling is down, but it's still way over sensitive for a molar that's hardly ever asked to do anything. The truth is, there are no teeth living downstairs of it, so I find it futile to ask it to perform any tasks. It's downstairs neighbors were evicted many years ago when some unknown dentist in Scottsdale declared then unfit for active duty. I labor about losing the tooth primarily because we've become attached to one another in a very intimate fashion. I know that new guy tomorrow is going to look over his glasses and while hiding behind his mask of anonymity, give me that death sentence frown and the old tooth with be history.



On another front and another coast, I got a call from Barry tonight, telling me he had some bad news. Barry is my friend of 55 years, that has been stricken with terminal cancer and when he calls and says he's got bad news, I freak the hell out! Although his news was bad, it wasn't about him. Our other friend Harvey in Connecticut, went to the doctor today suffering from shortness of breath. Harvey is the guy in the center of the picture that looks like he may have gained a lot of weight in the last few years and I mean like 75 lbs, maybe even more? The doctor performed a stress test and stopped him in the middle and did an angiogram. He sent him directly to the hospital for open heart surgery to replace at least 3 veins that are severely blocked. Barry says he's scared shitless and doesn't want to talk to anyone, who would blame him? He'd probably trade places with me in a minute and choose the dentist! Tonight I'll be praying for his quick recovery and a great outcome.

Hot and Sunny...

I just checked the temperature and it says on my computer that it's 109 degrees. I checked the weather expectations for today and it said 113. Humph... Not as hot as it sometimes gets around here, but toasty. No need for a sweater today, for certain. I advertised that my Expedition had the coldest air in all of AZ, and to be sure to bring a sweater for the test drive. Maybe that's what sold it? Here's how hot it is, currently. Turn your hair dryer on high and place it in front of your face and see how long you can just keep it there. That's how it feels to drive without AC and the windows down.

It was August of 1974, when we first landed here in AZ. It was me, my older son Stuart and my wife, Barb. Brad was too young for this camping trip and he stayed in Chicago under the care of his Gramma Mary. He was a bout 15 months old. We searched around the Chandler area for a house, thinking that Chandler was a suburb of Phoenix. That's how it was in Chicago, why should AZ be different? When we first stepped out of the realtor's Mercury Marquis, I felt almost dizzy adjusting to the extreme temperature. Our Realtor explained that it was usually a dry heat and we'd soon get used to it. My question is.........................WHEN?

No, I was Married to a Jockey!

You tend to meet a variety of people when using the Internet to find a mate. I find that there are also a variety of intellects. Some women are so smart and so above me that I use both hands while discussing world events with them, but by the same token, some are not too bright. It is a duller bulb on the tree, that I talk about now.

The title line of this post sounds to me like a punch line from a good joke. "No, I was married to a jockey!" I was cruising the dating site yesterday when I came across a screen name "Old woman58". I had to laugh because that was a pet name for one of my former girlfriends and she returned it to me by calling me, "Old Man". Pretty endearing, huh? I decide to read her rather below average profile, but a couple of things catch me eye. I already mentioned her screen name, but then she goes ahead and talks about how she doesn't like drama, similar to about 4034 other profiles and mentions she drives an 88 Trooper and if that bothers you, tough! I decide that this woman is either really quick or really dumb. I send her an email saying just what I told you, but left out the dumb part. About an hour later, I get her reply. She's, by this time read my profile, which is pretty funny on this website and replies that she's afraid to write anything to me that may be "incorrect" (because I mention that I have a respect for proper grammar and punctuation) After her use of the word "incorrect" she writes, (is that a word) should have been my first warning, right?

In her first and really only email, she asks for my phone number and I comply. It's Sunday afternoon and I'm bored. She calls about 5 minutes later and let the confusion commence. How many times have I been married, she asks. Just the 3 times you're supposed to get married, I reply. This confuses her. I explain. The first one is your factory marriage that should come with a warranty, but doesn't. Then you have your rebound marriage, that never works for anyone and last, your perfect marriage that is supposed to last forever! She asks what happened to the last marriage that is supposed to last forever? I told her the marriage was perfect, but the people messed it up. She was good with that.

She explained that she had only been married once, but he gave her 7 kids and those 7 were all born in different places because they moved around a lot. I asked if her husband was in the Military and she said, (here it comes) "No, I was married to a jockey"! I burst out laughing and couldn't control myself. She kept asking, what's wrong? She went ahead and told me the story of her 88 Trooper and how she got fired from Fry's, where she was a cashier for, bopping when she should have "beeped". She said she had to hang up because she was cooking broccoli for a special broccoli diet she's going on and I said goodbye. I kept laughing every time I imagined how her house must smell and wondered how tall her ex-husband was. Back to the drawing board.

Smoking or Non?

I was just sitting and daydreaming about some of the things that we were told were "good" for us, that turned out to be killers.

The first thing that came to mind was cigarettes. Nine of of ten doctors smoked Camels! L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco! KENT with the Micronite filter. (Well, if it has a Micronite filter it MUST be good! Parliament with the recessed filter, hmmm...... recessed, huh? Who didn't want to be cool like the Marlboro Man? Our parents smoked and told us one day we would be able to also, but it's just for "Adults"! So, if I made it to the correct age, I would be privileged to smoke, drink alcoholic beverages and the other big one, "Drink Coffee". So with Nicotine, caffeine and alcohol, we were all destined for an early demise.

The tobacco companies plotted against the public to hook them to their highly addictive bi-product of cigarettes, Nicotine. They romanced us with sexy commercials and billboards, to join the smoking population. If you didn't smoke and I respect that group, you were the exception, not the normal. You had to ask for a non-smoking seat on airplanes and in restaurants.

One day, I heard a rumor that cigarette smoking caused lung cancer. More and more testimonials were recorded of people that smoked and got lung cancer as a result. I knew that one day I'd have to quit, but how? I had been smoking for many years by then. I was an adult and I smoked and drank and used coffee to wake up in the morning. I was an American!

I quit smoking 22 years ago, quit using alcohol almost 6 years ago and I may as well give up coffee too, it's only a matter of time until they find it causes Menopause! Many years ago, my father suffered a heart attack. The doctor suggested plenty of red meat for rehab. It would help his low iron problem. They didn't know about cholesterol back then, which brings me to the REAL reason for this post and that is that I refuse to try Wii. Not until they rule out Alzheimer's!

A Morning with Annie

Hello Reader/readers:

Something just happened and I'd better put it down while it's still fresh in my mind. What I did was completely out of character for me, but sometimes you just have to sit back and make a decision. My decision was to not fall into this crevice and stop attracting the wrong element. The first thing I noticed about this high school teacher, was that she couldn't spell, but I forgave that, after all, she has a house in Flagstaff! (Mountains with cool breezes through Pines)

Hi from Flag,
So your a brain guy? I think we may have a lot in common. What do you think? I have a home in Scotts. and one iin Flag. Annie

MY REPLY:
Hi Annie:

First, thank you for initiating contact, that's difficult for some people. Next, I'm more than a little disappointed that you don't want to parent anymore children. I was really really looking for someone that would join me in parenting a baby, thus creating the first instant grandchild in history, completely skipping over an entire generation. (I hope you realize I'm joking here.)

I did indeed enjoy your profile and would like to get to know you better. You mention that you have a home in Flagg and I find that very attractive as the temperature soars up around 110, lol.

One of the questions that Match SHOULD require is: How many times have you been married? Personally, I like a woman that has experience in relationships. I see that you list widow as marital status and for that I offer my condolences...

Mel
PS. With 2 homes, how do you remember where you left your glasses?

2. Very funny, more kids! No thank you. However I do enjoy practicing. Funny my youngest son had a baby five days ago! Just got back from Berkeley.
One has tons of glasses and then they don't worry I am so luck to have two worlds, the desert and the mountains.
I have been married once. Long term. All ended in a horrible crash on the 101 several years ago. My late husband was a prominent well liked business man. How about you, Mr. Me. No name#?#/ I have dated quite a bit in the last couple of years. I am very social. I enjoy people of all ages. How about you?
So you are attracted to brains in women? I am attracted to a man who is a great conversationalist, kind, fit, eats healthy and is also smart. Someone who has strong points that I don't have. What do you want? I also love a guy who lkes to play and tease and laugh. Your note was witty and fun.
How many kids do you have? I have two boys? Grandkids? Both boys went to Ca Berkeley. Both guys literally never came home. They love CA. I have two grand children, a little girl and a new baby boy.
So what do you think, ME? Name, pls. Annie


3. I just reread your bio, and I like you. You are funny as hell. Annie D

4.Ok, what is stink eye? Annie
5. Hey Me.
What did you do for a living, Mr. Stink EYE? Or is that a top secret? Where did you go to college? BTW we are both mid westerner's! Why do we always find each other? So what are you doing? Tonight I am going to my best friend's house for a Jamican dinner. My girlfriend's 95 yr old mother-in-law is in town, with her nurse, who is from Barbados and she is doing an authenitic dinner party for us all. Isn't that the coolest? Can you top that? How long have you lived in Phx. Where? I am off of Shea and 136th St. I am listening to Pink on my Ipod. I love her. "I Don't Believe You" is playing. It is gorgeus. Go to Amazon and listen to it and tell me what you think, pls.? I am still in my work out clothes.
So if you like brainy women. Do you date ugly brainy women? Ha! Annie D.

My Final Reply:
Annie:

You had me thinking I was negligent when I shared my deepest thoughts with you, about 30 minutes ago. I just checked and that thing written above the PS, was indeed my name. M-E-L... My mother chose that name and my father never spoke, so Mel is was. When she was living, I mentioned many times my opinion of her choice, JEEZ!

I just got your second email. You JUST now read my profile??? What did you base your first contact on? I didn't think women were supposed to be just visual, (like men).

I've been married 3 times, one passed away. My first wife of 11 years gave me 2 sons also. One is out of state. One in Illinois and the other here. The Illinois boy has 3 kids with 2 different wives and the AZ boy has one son, 6.

All men are attracted to pretty women, it's just natural. I've found that the prettiness wears off pretty quick when the sun comes up. That's when the bright, creative mind comes in handy. My first wife was an arm piece, if you will, but when the dust settled, there wasn't much left.

And here comes email number 3! The Stink Eye from the Little Rascals. Picture Alfalfa giving Spanky a "dirty look". There you have the Stink Eye!

Wife number 2 passed away and number 3 was a good choice, but had never been married before and frankly made a terrible wife. She just didn't know how to do it. I know that sounds strange.

I just received email number 4 and frankly, you're a little over the top for me. Good luck in the future and enjoy your weekend. If you ask yourself what happened, look back at your over-attentive attitude. Smothering...

I knew she wasn't the type to just accept my decision and that an email was yet to come and sure enough, it blasted into my mailbox with rapid fire. I thought of blocking her, but she really hasn't annoyed me ..................yet. Honestly, it was the "go to Amazon, pls", that got to me.


Interesting Mel,
I am an artist and I am visual, completely. However, I do realize as you do, that once the initial attraction, there has to be more. I am attentive, and also in the moment. Sorry that it smothers you. I have never heard that one before. Good to know, because I am very loving and kind. Best to you also. Annie

You know, I never really thought she was too cute, either.

Conclusions...

My dentist

Today I've come to a couple of conclusions. First is something that I was really kind of shocked by and it is that a lot of people are in love with their dentists. I know it sounds odd, but all you have to do is mention that you're in tooth pain or that you don't have a dentist you trust and dentists come flying out of nowhere, at your service. I probably speak with about 4 women on a regular basis and the one thing they all have in common is that they have the BEST dentist in captivity. I've already decided to use a Scottsdale dentist by the name of Dana, so I'll let you know how my tooth comes out and I probably mean that literally. OUCH! I'm looking forward to a new way of whistling in the following week.

Here is the other oddity. Evidently there were no live female births in 1953. With the exception of my last wife, not a single female was born that year. I've met several women that claim to be 57, but not a single one actually is. They're all anywhere from 60 to 70 and it isn't too tough to find it out. Honestly, I've become so gun shy about it, that as soon as a woman mentions her age being 57, I think she's lying.

Here is another example of how things are going. I met a woman online and guess what her age was. Right, 57, (62). All I had to do was ask her and her answer came flowing from her mouth and it sounded like about 25 others that used that same exact reason for lying. My daughter/girlfriend/relative wrote the profile for her and she didn't even know they did that, giggle! When I hear that, I usually just take the phone away from ear and look at it. Get the picture? The following email is from her and it showed up this morning. What alarms me about this one is this. She lives in a million dollar plus house in Cave Creek. She owned and operated a major advertising firm in Chicago, but sold it. She's soft spoken, educated, a true lady but she currently has an office in a high rent area in Scottsdale where she practices and teaches healing. WTF??? I'm going to edit her email so as not to release her personal information, but here is her email to me concerning my ailing tooth and why I really don't know how to handle it, but first, my email to her:

Do you realize we've come full circle in our relationship, yet have never met. We started by emailing through Match, then spoke on the phone and emailing direct didn't seem too successful. Now for comunications, we're back to writing on Match. Hmm....

For me, not doing too well. Back last Oct. I suffered an abcessed tooth. I was in Chicago at the time visiting and went to a dentist friend of mine. He told me the tooth was fractured and to take the Z-pak and go home to my dentist and have a root canal. Well the tooth got better, the swelling in my chip monk face went down and fever lowered. I drove back to Phx in a car I bought while there and everything was fine, except my girlfriend at the time broke up with me, but that's another story, lol...
I could not get myself to go to a strange dentist and volunteer my tooth to humanity (for R&D, you know,research and developement) So, I had a long talk with the tooth and decided if it will just keep quiet about everything that happened, I wouldn't turn him into a dentist for a root canal or possible extraction (ouch). Things went as agreed for 9 months until last week when it started acting up again. I begged the tooth to stand by our agreement, but it refused. (That tooth just may be a female tooth, who knew?)
I called my buddy, a doctor and he supplied me with another Z-pak and currently the pain and swelling has calmed down and I'm threatening to go to a dentist and turn the turncoat in.

That's how I've been. And you???

Mel

Good morning Mel,

It was good hearing from you and I am sorry to hear about your tooth. I have been through that before and it is not fun. This morning I am visiting my dentist who I really like to have my temporary bridge re-glued. I highly recommend him and he is located on Shea and Scottsdale Rd. His name is Dr. Joe Schmow and his number is 480 555-5555. His address is 2900 N Scottsdale Rd, 85284.

I do love the way you describe it. It put a big smile on my face this morning.

Yes, we certainly have gone full circle. Do you want to meet sometime?

Today I meet with my dentist at 9 and have a lunch meeting at 11:30. I am doing a healing in my office which is also at Scottsdale and Thomas at 1:30 and another at 3:00. After that I am driving way out to east Mesa for a function this evening. Tomorrow is more promising. Looks like I will be working at home most of the day. If you would like, I can do some distance healing tomorrow morning on your tooth, but I need a bit more information. Let me know.

At any rate, wishing you a glorious pain free day.

Susan

Now did I read that correctly? She's going to work on my tooth by phone? Distance healing? Is that like tossing an aspirin into your mouth from a distance? The truth is, she scares me. Witch doctors do too... Now if she knew a little Voodoo, I can wrap my limited mind around it! OY!

Squeaky Comes Home...

(sneaking around)

(Squeaky in his hole)

Yesterday I filled in the hole that Squeaky had made as an entrance to him humble home. I toyed with the idea of sticking my arm into the hole, to try to retrieve some of my stolen tomatoes, but thought better of such a foolish deed. This morning, I see that Squeaky is back and just basking in the sun catching early morning rays. I went out to ask him where he'd been for the past 30 or so hours, but something frightened him and he ran away. I took a cup of coffee out there to enjoy or Arizona summer and read the newspaper, before it got unGodly hot, when suddenly I smelled tomatoes. It was Squeaky. He had sneaked up behind me and I could smell the tomatoes still on his breath!

Isn't it funny how things seem to run in series? When I was in the car business, for a period, all of the cars I bought needed radiators, then it was paint jobs, next they seemed to need windshields. Well the same thing seems to be happening with women. All of the women I'm meeting now are 5' 2"! Honestly, that's kind of short for me. You know how I love to dance and when my dance partner is short, it kind of hurts my neck to hunch over. I may have met the perfect woman. (except her height), she gorgeous, blond with blue and a dynamite fugure. She's a college prfessor at Paradise Valley Community College and teaches psychology. Yesterday morning I carved a notch into my cell phone, as I broke a new personal record and we spoke on the phone for 3 hours and 31 minutes and not only did we laugh like hyenas, because she's hysterical too, but I learned more from her than any instructor or shrink I ever met. Here's the best part. She uses AT & T too, so I didn't ANY minutes! Life just don't get any better than that...

Damn Squeaky Squirrel...

I won't use the word excited, but I was kind of pleased when a common Squirrel took up residence under my deck that's around the Jacuzzi. If you don't live in the valley of the sun, you're probably thinking, what's the big deal? Squirrels are at best a nuisance. I've been here in The greater Phoenix area going on 36 years and we just don't get squirrels here. You can go as close as flagstaff and see squirrel to your heart's content, but not here in the desert.

Everyday Squeaky comes out, suns himself on the deck and is oblivious to my presence. Frankly, I don't think he sees so good. He's been my housemate for about a week now.

On a second topic, I took everyone's advice and started farming my tomatoes. what a difference, when they're actually planted in the ground. I had about 12 tomatoes growing on the stem and almost ready to mature and start changing to red. Tonight, and I haven't really checked them in a couple of days, besides watering the plants. I went out to see if perhaps one had matured and almost ready to eat as I had a burger on the grill about 8 PM, right after the people that bought my Expedition today left, but I'll get to that. So I mosey over to the tomato plant and there right before my eyes, is a tomato plant that does not have a single tomato on it and even the flowers that become tomatoes were gone. My suspicion immediately went to Squeaky Squirrel, the squirrely THIEF and eater of tomatoes! Who knew that my new friend was not to be trusted. When he'd leave in the mornings, I'd ask him where he was going and he always told me, the mall! I believed the little sociopath, too. I guess farming is out of the realm of possiblities for now, plus the season is over for us...........and Squeaky.

So I'm sitting wondering what I'm going to do today, since both of my sons have made other choices. One son ran off and joined the foreign legion about 15 years ago and the other was kidnapped 7 years ago, never to be heard from again. Suddenly, just as my breakfast eggs were about to be flipped, the phone rings. I don't recognize the number and I wanted the eggs more than the stranger, so I let it go to voicemail. This perfectly charming gentleman with a friendly tone and voice left a message that he is looking for an older Expedition for his wife and is going to get one today and he's got cash. CA$H is a 4 letter word that you don't hear too much anymore. As I was about to call him back, my phone rang again and it was Gene, calling a second time in case I didn't get the message.He said he'd call back later for the address, when he got off of work.

About 5 PM the phone rang again and it was Gene. I gave him the address and he drove out from Tempe, with his wife and 20 something daughter. Truly nice people, all of them. We all went for a ride and when we returned, he said he wanted it and we began the negotiations. Gene worked part time at Spencer's Appliances, so I knew he wouldn't just lay down and pay the asking price. We played the game for awhile and I let him have some money off the asking price. He looked like a hero to the wife and daughter and I sold my truck. Here's the problem. I paid about $17,000 for the old Expedition and he bought it for less than $6000. I lost over $11,000, so a couple of hundred bucks really wasn't going to make me whole and he was happy and everybody won. I've had the old car for longer than any other car in my memory. Eight years and frankly, I know I'm going to miss it!

Costco Wins AGAIN...

Dr. Harvey came through like a champ, here's what happened. As you may or may not know, I've been remiss about addressing my ailing tooth. Yesterday, sort of late, MJ delivered with the phone number of her dentist that I have every intention of using, but being Saturday, hmm..... Forgetting to put my phone on silent last night, I was awakened by an East coast friend's Facebook posting, followed up by an email from MJ at 6:03 AM on a Saturday. What is she doing up at this hour, organizing things on her paper route? I couldn't help but notice the pounding pain in my left front face. Ah, my tooth is up early today. I took 3 ibuprofen and tried to sleep again, I was successful until 11:30, yikes! The throbbing tooth a constant reminder of it's presence. I considered my chances for relief. Dentists I'm sure, are not welcoming of new patients showing up on Saturday afternoon needing immediate help. Add that to, I'm truly a baby, when it comes to my teeth. Suddenly, out of nowhere, almost like a premonition, I pictured Dr. Harvey portrayed in a cloud, playing a harp, saying I'll help you.... I did a quick assessment of the evaluation of imposing on a kidney specialist for a toothache and quickly dispersed with the thought.. ...but he kept coming back saying, Try me.... So I called him on his cell phone, that by now I'm certain he's sorry he ever gave me access to. Naturally it went right to voicemail and I left a begging, pleading message and asked for him to return my humble call within a few hours, if at all possible.

Hours went by and no response. Suddenly there was a voicemail from him, to call as soon as possible. I did. He asked me what I wanted and I knew it was time to say the right thing. I started with, I hope it's not unethical of me to ask, but could you prescribe an antibiotic for my poor tooth. He asked all the right questions and did I have fever or chills and if I developed any, to go to the ER pronto. Then he asked an amazing question, "What is the number of your pharmacy"? HOORAY!!! Success...

Here is another bit of wisdom. I knew I had to go to Costco for my prescription, because when I was in Chicago and tried the same exact thing, I was forced to go to Walgreen's. Walgreen's said they would not accept my insurance, that my insurance is only good in Arizona. I replied, "Naturally, why would I possibly think otherwise"? She went ahead and charged me $54 for the Z-pak. A Z-pak has 6 pills in it. You take 2 the first day and one the following 4 days, period. $54! $13 per pill, right?

I walk into Costco, pick up the batteries I'd forgotten yesterday and casually walked over to the pharmacy counter. I told her my name and she asked if I knew my address, DUH? She hands me my prescription that is going to render me pain free in a few days and announces, that will be $8.72...................... WTF???? Did I hear her correctly? Eight dollars and seventy two cents? I reiterated that she had the right prescription and not my blood pressure medication. She confirmed the drug and my address. Dazed, I left... If I ever go anywhere else for pharmaceutical needs, it better be because I'm drowning and Walgreen's has the only life jacket!

Telephone Talk...

Since the onset of cellular phones, I have managed to stay about 10 steps behind the trends. In 1987, my wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas, a cell phone or a camcorder. I thought for a second and said, "A camcorder, when would I ever use a cellular phone?" My theory was, with all of the pay phones on every corner, why in the world would anyone want a cell phone. So, she got me a camcorder that I managed to use about 6 months, then it was borrowed and NEVER ever returned. I loaned it t my son whose reply was, "Oh, that thing, it broke so I threw it out". (That meant he sold it.)

About 2 years later I bought a used Diamontel cellular phone for about $400 from a friend that paid $2800. I still wasn't sure those things were gonna catch on, ya know? But I figured for that discounted price, I'd try one out. It was rectangular and was about the size of a shoe box and weighed about 4 lbs. The only way you could carry it, was on a wrist band that was supplied by the phone, but I did notice my right arm getting longer. One memorable situation that occurred, was when I entered the men's restroom at Ray Tanner Volvo and there were 3 urinals to choose from. When I entered, the two outside urinals were being used by Ray Tanner Senior and Jerry, the finance manager. I approached and used the center urinal when out of nowhere, my cell phone rang and it was my wife. She said hello, what are you doing? Not knowing just how to explain the situation without disclosing too much, I simply replied, "Hanging out with the guys"! Let the laughter begin....

Everyone was using the Motorola cell phones by then and I wanted one too. I sold my 3rd hand Diamontel to a guy that had the same exact phone for $200. He wanted it for parts! I don't think a month went by and my business partner bought a new Motorola phone that was about 1/2 the size of mine, rendering mine "old news".

The years flew by and whatever phone I had, there was ALWAYS a better, newer one that everyone said I should have gotten. Damn! One day, out of frustration, I canceled my Alltel service because of poor reception and they kept telling me my phone was not in their service after 12 years with them. I went to Cricket, because Maaco Mike used Cricket and was satisfied with their discounted service and Mickey Mouse phone. I refer to those days as my Tunnel Days. Whoever I spoke with would ask if I were in a tunnel and the service area in Phoenix was just that, IN PHOENIX ONLY. The moment you crossed into another city, your phone stayed in Phoenix. I struggled with Cricket for about 2 years, it was cheap and I wasn't going anywhere to speak of, but the time I went to Chicago, I was reduced to borrowing phones and using pay phones, which by the way are about a dollar now.By the time I went to Florida, this last March, I broke down and retired my hand crank Cricket phone with a dial, for a Blackberry Bold. It has email, texting, Blackberry Messenger, the Internet and will babysit the kids on Saturday night! Who could ask for more? Even the Lovely Jules was impressed and went so far as to say her own phone depressed her.

When I arrived in Florida with new Blackberry Bold, my friend Barry said, New phone, you should have gotten an iPhone, he had just moved up to a Droid! As his Droid chirped and Tweeted and rang like an old time pay phone, my Blackberry remained quiet, until suddenly it was ring-a-dinging and Beeping and playing a song. My Blackberry finally located us (in Florida of all places) and was doing it's thing. I was proud.

I flew home on the longest plane ride of my career, only to find out that the Lovely Jules had purchased a Droid while I was gone. If you follow my writing, you know that my old Buick broke down about 3 weeks ago. I towed it to my mechanic Paul. Now Paul had had a Blackberry for a couple of years and for whatever reason, I always wind up with the same phone he has. When I had the car towed to him, I made sure it got there okay and left him to his own devices, as he was busy getting a rental house that he owns ready to rent. He knows I have other cars and was in no hurry. About a week later I called and asked if he had gotten to my Buick. He asked me what I wanted to do with it. I told him I wanted him to fix, it, right? He said, fix what and then proceeded to tell me it is running fine. Humph! I couldn't get it started and was sure the fuel pump was fried. I spent $70 getting it towed there, for it to be fine, uh-uh! He said he'd check it out. Another week goes by and we have the same conversation. He keeps asking me what I want to do with it and I keep saying fix it and then we begin all over again...

This time I show up in person and ask what else it could be. Nothing he can think of and the computer shows nothing wrong. I HATE went that happens. The car stalls and leaves you stranded and when you go to fix it, it performs perfectly. I had already replaced the fuel pump about 3 years ago and this one reads good pressure. Suddenly I notice that Paul has a new phone, he's got a Droid. He says, oh yeah and begins showing me all the new and wonderful things his new phone can do. I take it from him and place it on the fender of my ailing Buick and he asks what I'm doing. I reply, "I'm seeing if it can fix my stinking car and left!"

Alive and Oh Well...

(You do realize that it's the sun that is making me look bald, right, RIGHT?)

Alive, but not so well is my answer to the handful of readers that inquired as to why I haven't been writing. Don't become alarmed, it's nothing serious. Just the tooth that flared up in Chicago around last October, did another thing to me and may actually have to be addressed. I can picture MJ saying, "you mean to say that you STILL haven't been to the dentist"? No, I STILL haven't been to the dentist. I saw a friend who was a dentist in Chicago and he said the tooth is fractured and needs to be "extracted". Now there's a word that strikes fear into most people. It kind of reminds me of the guy on the news that just amputated his own arm, to free himself from a furnace that had him captured. Although he realized he had gangrene and needed to do something to save his life, I CANNOT get myself to call a dentist and tell him I want to turn in my renegade tooth. It's fine when it's not hurting, indicating it's become inflamed again. Looks and feels like any other tooth, but has this secret fracture that allows it to get mean every once in a while.

So the renegade tooth kept me up last night and finally after 2 Benedryls, 3 Advils for tooth pain and 2 tranquilizers that some doctor gave me 5 years ago, I drifted off to slumber around 4 AM. I awakened around 11:30 this morning, when most of the world had been up for half a day.

Another thing that kept me up was a mean mosquito bite. Did you ever get one on the front of your lower shin? After forgetting to turn off the spicket, my old hose just couldn't take it anymore and finally just gave up, shooting a stream of water into the sky similar to the big fountain in Fountain Hills, AZ. For those of you that have not had the opportunity to see this amazing fountain, it's truly a sight to see. So, there's this geyser shooting into the sky yesterday morning, so a trip to Home Depot was definitely in order. For $1.99, I was able to repair the leaking hose to where it only drips now, instead of "flowing". (A word I learned to dread as a male). Now the only place to repair a leaking hose is outside, where the hose lives, so I was victim to the meanest mosquito in captivity. Now I'm hoping I don't get the West Nile virus and of course I'm wondering if there is an East Nile virus that's available too. How do they keep them segregated? I suspect they have a mosquito law called the SB1070 for Nile Mosquitoes, to keep everything in check! They were talking about building a mosquito wall to keep the East Nile mosquitoes from crossing over, but never finished it.

So I've got this horrible mosquito bite on my shin and am trying my very best not to scratch it. After my shower however, without giving it any thought, I wiped the mosquito assaulted shin and accidentally soothed the itching for about 1/10th of a second, only for it to itch even worse after.

What's that? You say, what ever happened to my dating life? Well, I've met a plethora of women and one after another, nothing clicked. Most lie about their ages or use antiquated pictures and being a person that has a hard time not showing disappointment on my face, my frown gives away my true feelings and I make an early exit. Last Sunday, a friend took some pictures of me and I took the liberty of sending a few to a lady that lives in Tucson. She wrote me that she wanted to meet me in Casa Grande on Thursday or Friday, before she goes away for a wedding on the East coast. After sending the pictures, I never heard from her again! Oh well.

The Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth...

After reconsidering removing myself from the dating chronicles, I've decided to just revamp all of the dating criteria. It would be a useless effort to make the vast numbers of expecting suitors stop lying about their appearance and past history, including and primarily addressing age. On the rare occasions that I find a truthful dater in regards to their age, as in the case of poor Robin from my previous story, they use a picture that is antiquated to the point of disintegration. Could it be that old Snaggle Tooth REALLY thought she still looked like that or was she being deceptive and was just hoping I'd show up with the aid of my seeing eye dog?

I'm considering offering a new dating application to potential daters in the over 50 age group. First to address their pictures. They will be offered a choice of pictures to enter their own likeness to. They will be: A. What you'd like your match to THINK you look like. B. Your actual picture of what you TRULY look like currently. or C. What you looked like when you looked GOOD! The similar selection should be available for the liars. A. You actual age, B. The age you'd like someone to THINK you are, or C. The age you looked GOOD at!

Here are the results of a couple of women that I've done my "due diligence" upon. First there is a woman that I've been writing back and forth with that keeps rather late hours. Her email usually arrives near midnight and scares the shit out of me, as I lay in my bed reading with my trusty Blackberry next to me. Her profile says she's an Entrepreneur and is from my home town of Chicago and resided in some pretty prestigious addresses on Lake Shore Drive. She's also in the medical field and has owned several rather large businesses. When I spoke with her, I found that she was absolutely charming and in spite of me calling her a witch doctor on several occasions, she fared pretty well. When I asked her rather bluntly what her actual age was, there was an uncomfortable pause. She began with that she did not prepare her own profile, but rather someone else did it for her and put 57 down as her age and although she's tried, she cannot change it. I know this to be true on her particular website. Once you put down your age, they do not allow it to be altered. I kind of like that, but what if you wanted to lie, then changed your mind? You're stuck with the lie unless you re-admit your entire application, which is what I had to do in the very beginning. When I first joined, I thought it wise to say I was 5 years younger, but didn't like the way lying felt, so I removed the entire profile and started over with only the truth.

Again I repeated to Madam X, what is your real age??? Very softly, almost indistinguishable was her reply of...................62 :-( Well, there's five years she'd thought were gone for good! In view of her correcting the injustice of the person that created her profile, and usually they claim it's a daughter or close friend, she regained her uniqueness because she did tell the truth when asked straight up! Her true punishment is that I'm going to continue to communicate with her, at least until we meet.

Next is a nice lady that found me on Match. She showed an interest so I "winked" at her and she "winked" back. Cool, huh? At some point we began emailing and I offered her my phone number. I proceeded to prepare breakfast. Suddenly, my phone rang, about 5 minutes after emailing and I didn't recognize the phone number. Since I was dodging a call from the dreaded Robin, I didn't answer and waited for the message. SAFE, it was Joline. It turned out Joline was the lady from Match, that was on holiday in Las Vegas, but thought my email was funny enough to call from Vegas...

After breakfast, 2 eggs, 2 sausage and 2 pieces of toast, I returned her call and we chatted for about 20 minutes. Now Joline was supposed to be 60 and I'm not even going to comment on why she chose 60 when 59 sounds so much younger! She was very pleasant and I called again last night, but got her voicemail and with her voicemail, it also gave her last name, which I Googled and it turns out that Joline is a very successful businesswoman that owns a rather large employment firm that does placements for a lot of valley big businesses. It also listed her age as 62, sadly :-(

What's a guy that hates liars gonna do?