Saturday, December 29, 2012

Crap, I Did it Again!

Remember my story about a woman that lied to me about her name? Well, I thought I had found out her secret of withholding her name from me because she had a prison record according to my inquiry at the department of corrections. She very well might have been that person, but due to her name being such a common one, I felt it rash to come to that conclusion based solely on that Internet information. Somehow she wiggled her way back into my life and I met her today.

On Christmas day, while dog sitting, Macy went to sleep, indicating that I was indeed a boring partner for the day. Her nap was somewhat extended and when this woman texted me, I was more than happy to answer due to nothing on TV but Christmas movies and let's face it, by the time you reach 66, you've seen all the Christmas movies to last a lifetime, for a man of Jewish descent. At some point the woman stopped texting and called me. We chatted on the phone for quite some time and then after hanging up because she was going to a friend's house for Christmas dinner, she called me back to tell me she was driving. This alleged criminal and I were somewhat bonding.

She texted me again yesterday and asked if we were ever going to meet? I said, sure. How about lunch today at my favorite Chinese restaurant. Playing hard to get, she said, okay, but a late lunch! I was dangerously low on Karsha's Rye Bread, so that fit into my schedule anyway. We had agreed to meet at 1:30 and as I was leaving Karsha's, I looked at my watch and saw it was only 1:05, so I texted her that I was running early and expected to be at the restaurant in about 5 minutes and if possible, can she meet me a bit early. She called me and replied, she's always early!

During one of our conversations, I asked what kind of vehicle she drove and she told me it was an 05 Chevy Z-71. I asked if it had a bed and a tailgate? She asked, what's a tailgate? Does it have a bed, I asked again and she said no? Z-71 is just the suspension package, not the model. I asked if it were a Suburban or a Tahoe? She said, neither, it's a Z-71. I asked how many rows of seats did it have inside of it? She said 3. I concluded it was a Suburban. In addition, she said she had it parked next to a Tahoe once and the backs were perfectly even and in the front, hers was about a foot and a half longer than the Tahoe, confirming my belief that she had a Suburban.

I waited in the restaurant parking lot for about 5 minutes and sure enough, in she pulled in her Tahoe. She stepped out of her vehicle and I opened the back door to see just 2 rows of seating, confirming my decision, but said nothing. (note to self: She lied about how many rows of seats) She was wearing large sun glasses and the first thing I noticed was her compromised height. I said, you're shorter than 5' 2". She replied that she was 5' 2" with heels! Damn it, another midget!

We walked into the restaurant and I couldn't wait until she took off those stupid sun glasses, so I could see what I had gotten myself into this time. The eyes are the windows to the soul, right? I heard an imaginary drum roll as I watched her hand come up to her glasses and things started moving in slow motion for me. By this time we had been seated and I think my anticipation was visible. OH GAWD! They were off! She was 80 years old!!! Her little hand was wrinkled and age spotted. That was my first clue. Her sun glassless face now was the face of one of Arizona's senior citizens. She looked like she had had a face lift a long time ago and it was disintegrating, falling off. It looked artificial. There were deep set wrinkles next to her eyes that had been there for years and her face was liver spotted. She was supposed to be 60 and I had thought how nice it was that she didn't lie and claim to be 59, like so many. Now I know why she had lied about her name! Because a Google search might reveal her true age. She even ate old!

Well, today was my last day on the dating service. My membership has expired and not a minute too soon. I'll not be doing that again any time soon............. I hope!

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