Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Cat in the Hat has Gone and Shat!

It's not even noon yet and this day is officially a disaster! It started last night, when before I went to sleep after getting disgusted with a Dean Koontz book, Phantoms. The book doesn't go anywhere, I'm on page 125 and nothings happened yet. I hate slow starts. It was about 1:30 AM and I thought I'd check my mail one last time for the day and was surprised to see that my bill from Verizon was there already. I had just signed up on this past Saturday. I entered my phone number, then my code (secret agent stuff) and there was my first bill for $161.09 WHAT!!! After all the chaos I went through with AT&T, I was counting on Verizon to be honest and forthright and I was PROMISED that my monthly bill would be $100 plus sales tax of 9.3%...........Period. No other charges. I analyzed the bill and there was a base of $110, then additional charges of $51 for sur charges and a lot of hidden costs that the biller does not want you to know about. I could hardly wait until morning to call. Verizon gives you 14 days to cancel your contract and I was prepared to do just that.

After reading this dumb book for an hour or so, I was pretty tired from my day at the mall. I went to sleep for about an hour and was suddenly wide awake, thinking about my Verizon bill. craving sleep, I popped an Ambien and got up to play on the computer for awhile. I had just about decided to sign up for the United States Navy, when suddenly I decided to wait until morning to check the age requirements, (Whew!) As I finally dozed off about 4 AM. I remember my stomach making some rather unusual noises, but poof, sleep came and was well received.

I think it was about 7 AM when I woke abruptly, due to stomach requests. Now, I sleep in a bedroom without a bathroom. I don't wear pajamas, so anytime I need to use the bathroom after going to sleep, it requires getting somewhat dressed to enter the public portion of the rather large house. Urgently hopping on one foot and praying for the time it takes to pull up my pants, I assess the situation and decide at the last minute to put on flip-flops... The floors are hardwood and cold and somewhat soiled at times. Without realizing it, the cat had shat, (hmm that rhymes) right in the middle of my bedroom floor and I stepped smack dab in the middle of her little deposit and tracked it across the bedroom floor and all the way to the bathroom. Halfway there, I realized it and began hopping, to decrease the necessary cleanup after making my own mess. I make it to the bathroom and relief is just seconds away. Thank God for our sphincter muscles, right? Did you ever wonder what happens inside of you when your body behaves in such a fashion? I'm not a doctor, but I think it kind of goes like this. Your colon makes an announcement over a PA system and it is screaming "EVACUATE, EVACUATE, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! Sirens are going off and you are just sitting there on the throne, kind of bent over and waiting for the evacuation to take place, knowing full well, that as soon as you get up and clean the necessary area, another invasion of the enemy is almost certain!
Finally, I get up and with my flip-flop in my hand, you know, the soiled one. I walk into the common area and see Karen sitting there at her computer, playing cat and mouse with some guy on a dating service. I announce, Good morning, we are going to have to do something about that cat! I show her the bottom of my defaced shoe and explained that the cat shat in my room. Karen looked up and asked, why? With a confused look on my face, I replied, because no one ever trained her to use a kitty litter? Or no one cleans out the kitty litter. She gets up from the computer wearing just a flimsy nightgown and I try to look away. Some things you just don't want to see! She returns with a can of carpet cleaner and a rag, I intentionally do not let her see my hands, because I'm sure she intends on handing them to me. Instead I return to the bathroom for round 2. OHHHHH!!!!!!

I always wonder what brought on this unsavory situation and I concluded it was my impromptu lunch and one "Jack in the Box" restaurant. Moral of the story:

Never let a Jack in the Box employee, with a frayed, torn cap, a missing front tooth, suggest he prepare you a Chipolte' sandwich, when you know full well that the Chipolte' sandwich has been off the menu for at least 5 months.

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