Nerds, Running Amok...

January 23, 2005

It was 8 years ago today. No one but me really cares. It's my first wife's 68th birthday. She was really cool at 23 when I married her, but over the years, ah, never mind. Eight years ago today, some maniacal doctor was preforming an angiogram on me, hiccuped and poked a hole through the descending artery of my heart. Nice job Achmed. That's what you get for having an angiogram at 4 AM. They flew me to a real hospital, performed open heart surgery and just 2 1/2 weeks later, I awakened to ask WTF? At that point, I had been 2 1/2 weeks sober so I figured this might be a good time to quit drinking. Turns out, it was!

On the dating services, all of the non drinking women contact me and want to talk about meetings and "one day at a time". Not me, I just want to move on to the future. It doesn't bother me in the least not to drink and cannot for the life of me figure out why I drank alcohol all of those years. I guess I'm just lucky! So okay, number 8 is out of the way. What, no chip?

Today was an interesting day. I drove around aimlessly looking for a house to rent and never even saw one. Finally, I was about to turn a corner off of a busy road, when I saw a for rent sign on the corner. I knew I would be killed instantly if I stopped to take down the number and after surviving Achmed's wobbly hand, I wasn't about to lose my life to an oncoming semi, rear ending me. I made a quick turn and turned the corner, getting out of harm's way and walked back to take down the number. I imagined how hard this must have been before cell phones, as I dialed the guy's number and got the usual..........voice mail. I left my usual message and headed for a treat at McDonald's, I was starved.

It seems that about everything in my life has changed. Even McDonald's. There were 2 old men sitting at a table, right next to each other playing a game on this computer that was installed on the table, huh??? Walking past them, I got into line in this upscale McDonald's. It was my turn and I ordered a quarter pounder, fries and a small diet Coke. The man in his early thirties punched my order into a computer and began asking questions. Is a medium fries okay? Is a medium diet Coke okay? Yes and Yes. I could see what was going on here, they claim to not have a small size so they can increase your order to medium. I felt like going outside to see if the small fries were all in the trash, next to the small diet Cokes! Then he asked for my first name. I said, Mel, what's yours? He just looked at me, like I had at least 2 heads. I took my little tray into the back room, where I would probably feel more comfortable. They used to have a children's playground back there, but it had been removed. The only people in the backroom were teenagers of Hispanic culture, hey Vato! Kind of looked like a meeting, 180, I was out of there. I found a 4 seat table across from some barely teenage boys and sat down, only to find out they had sold me a quarter pounder with cheese, artificial cheese. Another revenue builder. I'll bet that about no one that is hungry ever returns it and complains. I neglected to tell you that my total was over 7 dollars!

My burger was the size of the old 15 cent burgers we used to get when we were kids. I opened it immediately, I was famished. My burger was room temperature at best and was dead cold by the time I finished. My fries were cold to begin with but, hell, I was hungry and hate to return food anywhere to get it spit on! The most interesting thing were the teenage boys and no, I'm not a pedophile. They were all four about prepubescent age, probably somewhere between 13 and 15. The one boy was black, another mentioned he was from Europe more than once, the only words that were pretty obvious were "Dude and Bro". They were used in about every sentence. Another common denominator that defined the 4 boys was the word Nerd! Four nerds, attracted to one another due to nerdiness. Another thing that made it pretty obvious that they were all four virginal nerds, were their legs never stopped bobbing and jumping under the table. They could not just sit still. They looked like 4 Flamenco dancers under the table and 4 nerds, above. This is a result of hormones rushing through their blood vessels, screaming for release. Oh, how I miss those hormones! Directed properly, those 8 legs could have powered a generator that would accommodate the needs of the city of Cave Creek!