Sunday, January 6, 2013

My Date with Speed Bumps...

I have a date tonight with someone new. She doesn't live very far away, just 4.3 miles according to Google. She warned me that I should be sure not to ring her neighbor's bell, since they have the same address. I wonder how that happened. So I did a test drive by her house and saw where someone might confuse the two houses, but the thing that most stood out were the speed bumps. Her street only goes about 2 blocks when it empties into the desert. Why in God's green Earth, is there a speed bump every 25 yards? Not only that, but they are the high ones that really do damage to your suspension if you do anything but crawl over them at about 10 or 50 MPH. Has a speed bump ever saved a life? Tough question. I know that generally, when I see a speed bump, I increase my speed, to not even notice the bump. The only speed that really notices the speed bump, is a slow speed. If you speed up, you barely feel it. Try it, you'll see. I hope my date is better than the politics of her street!

Now it's Sunday and my date was last night. For the sake of anonymity, let's call my date "Speed Bumps". First, I acted like a teenage boy getting ready for my date. I actually ironed a pair of slacks and after putting them on, decided I didn't like the way they fit and changed to tan jeans. I took a fresh dress shirt out of the plastic where it had lived for probably 2 or 3 years, since I seldom have the occasion to wear dress shirts in my current lifestyle. Resprayed cologne a couple of times, because in her profile online she mentions she likes men that smell good. Black leather sports jacket and I'm off! On a scale from 1 to 10. I felt like I was a strong 8, I lost 2 full points for sagging skin on my throat. It came with being 66 2/3!

I hopped into my chariot and fired her up and she started and died! Huh, it's NEVER done this before. It cranked for a full minute and no fire. What was happening? I tried holding the pedal to the floor and still nothing. An old trick I remembered was to turn the ignition on and off several times in a row, activating the fuel pump to refill the injectors and voile', it worked, fired up and stayed running. I screeched off on my way to my date. Now something that I didn't mention prior was, Speed Bumps is extremely funny. I'd say hysterical. It's what attracted me to her. She can dish it out better than any woman I'd ever met. Our personalities were almost right on. I also think that our IQ's were pretty close too. She was intelligent, attractive, as it turned out and very, very funny. Great figure, dressed well and owned her own home in an upscale part of Paradise Valley on the backside of Squaw Peak Mountain, South of Shea. She likes to hike, has 2 little dogs that are rescues and a generally nice person. She even drives a Volvo! I say all of these nice things for 2 reasons. 1). I believe them to be true and 2) She may read this someday!

She invited me in to check out her house and her. She lived in the guest house on her own property, due to a falling economy like the rest of us. She was forced to rent out her big house and occupy her add on guest house which was very small, but suitable for a single person with 2 children, 19 and 21, away at college. We hopped into my less than trusty Volvo and I did a silent prayer that she started. She did! We were off to Tutti Santi's on 64th Street. Arriving, they were mobbed and we had a hard time finding a parking place. As we entered the establishment, we were warmly greeted by Louisa, the head hostess. Louisa and I go back quite a few years and she recognized me, even in my long absence. She told the working hostess, a young girl to prepare the big booth for us, in the bar area. Aside from a short wait, we were treated very well and seated. Speed Bumps ordered Kettle One with olive juice and coughed a couple of times after the first sip. I was able to handle my Diet Coke that went down smoothly. Dinner was fun, but our waiter was a little old and less than efficient. Lao, the owner came over and was doing a walk-by, when he did a double take seeing me. He stopped and said hello and exchanged happy new years and discussed a mutual friend. All and all, it was a nice evening, but one thing that was missing was that romantic feeling. 

You know how you are not supposed to answer your cell phone unless it's a call from your child, while on a date? Well, Speed Bumps showed me men that had contacted her and actually read me their profiles along with pictures of some goofball with his shirt off and sporting a set of abs that anyone would be envious of. I casually pointed it out to her and she laughed! I think it was at that point that I first realized we were not headed to bed! All that kept going through my mind was all that cologne I'd put on! 

When we were almost ready to leave, Speed Bumps realized that the people at the table next to us, were close friends of hers and they joined us for about 5 LONG minutes. You know the feeling when your date introduces you to her friends and refers to you as her "friend"? Later, I'm sure she explains that I was her Internet date, urgh! We headed out and on the way back to her house, I asked if she were going to invite me in to make out? She said, NO! She didn't want me to walk her to the door and I was pretty sure she didn't want her renters to see her kissing me goodnight. We sat in my running car for about 10 minutes and discussed whether we should go out again and neither of us could decided, honestly. She kissed me goodnight and I told her I'd be checking out her ass as she walked towards her door. She turned and said, don't bother, it's hail damaged! That's when I spit all over my windshield, laughing!

Today, I figured out the problem. We were both so alike and the one thing that was missing from our relationship, was a straight man! I don't mean like straight or gay, I mean like we were both Jerry Lewis and we needed a Dean Martin!

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