Long Lost Relatives...

Professor Mel

Hello everyone:



With a show of hands, I'd like everyone who has a family member that they don't stay in touch with, to raise their hand. Uh huh, that many of you, huh? Yes, I saw you in the back hiding behind the man with the stovepipe hat. Abraham, is that you? Humph...



Well you've probably figured out today's topic. Long lost relatives. Today is my older brother's 66th birthday and I know his birthday every year, because I'm a numbers kind of guy. Why these useless numbers are stuck in my head for a lifetime is beyond me, but there they stay waiting for a chance to come out. If anyone ever asks me what my address was when I was 4 years old, 309 S. Central Park will come blurting out uncontrollably. I have numbers Turrets!



Getting back to my long lost brother and his family... Knowing that today is his birthday and knowing that it's been 35 years since I've called him, I finally took the plunge and reached out. I tried looking for him on Facebook of all places, but there too many with his common name, so I narrowed it down by listing his/our high school and he came popping up with a picture and everything. At first I didn't recognize him and my reaction was, "That's not him". Then inspecting further and adding the missing 35 years to him, I realized it was him looking back at me from the page. WOW, I found him!



So I typed out a brief email message and to my surprise, he not only responded, but was happy to hear from me. Here's what happened....



It was 1974 and we were all sitting at the table in Skokie, Illinois at my parent's house for Friday night dinner, a regular thing in our family. I was married to my first wife and had 2 little sons. I announced that we were moving to Arizona and waited for the congratulations, but instead my brother and his wife kind of dumped on us for doing something so foolish. I took offense but didn't get too bent out of shape. Eventually things came together for us and we sold our house and business and were headed to AZ for a new life. I was thrilled! When I got here, I worked hard to prove myself and eventually became successful and was totally self supporting and putting money away too.



My parents were going to Las Vegas and we were to meet them there and I called my brother to find out what hotel they were staying at. I don't remember if I spoke with him or just left a message, but he never called me back and pretty soon it was 35 years later and still no brother calling me. See, things like that just happen if you let it and pretty soon, just 35 years later, you're sorry. So let this be a lesson to you! .............and me.

Full of Hot Air...

After not awakening until about 10 AM, I drank coffee and took care of a few things around the house. I can't imagine anything needing attention since I haven't left this place since Friday afternoon. At 12:30 the phone rang and it was the Lovely Jules, just inquiring as to whether or not I was a full blown agoraphobic? Although I didn't need to look it up, I kind of thought it was one of those people that never leaves the house. In an effort to break me out of this joint, she lured me over with teases of delightful entertainment, exotic foods and charming company. Although I told her no, after hanging up I decided to venture out into the 108 degree temps to experience life and drove over. Unknown to many people, we have synchronized our garage door openers to the same code, for easy access without the need for a key. This is left over from a more romantic time in our lives. Pulling into her driveway, my garage door opener wouldn't work on her garage, since she was secured inside her house for the heat of the day. I tried my key, but it also failed reducing me to a bell ringer. I think it was the 5th ring that finally brought her to the door to see who was so persistent.

Whipping open the door she exclaimed, "What the hell are you doing here? Come on in." I did. Her house was exactly like my house. Clean except for her station on the sofa and her coffee table that was completely covered with paraphernalia for her work. Two laptops, Ipod, 3 glasses of various depths of drinks, a dirty plate that recently held a salad and Paw-paw, her $5 dog. Paw-paw seemed a lot more excited to see me than LJ, frankly. I hadn't been around since before the new carpeting and that's seemingly a long time. We did our immediate hellos and settled down on the sofa for an afternoon of rented movies.

After pushing all of the appropriate buttons on her remote, we were privileged to watch that Brad Pitt movie, where he's born an old man and lives his life backwards, eventually dying as a new born. Although the movie was good, it was probably better watched backwards. It appears that the people that we grow older with are important to us and to watch them get younger is downright insulting! Picture a couple that turns 55 around the same time and she decides to get a face lift. She kind of takes off for the fountain of youth and leaves him behind.......wrinkled. That's what happens in this movie. Brad Pitt is about 45 years old when he impregnates his girlfriend, who is 43. She gives birth and her birth father slowly becomes his daughter's age. Very confusing.

Eventually this long movie, that was really quite entertaining is over and the Bachelorette comes on and I'm told to either shut up or leave because this is serious business. God Bless testosterone, I left!

At about 8:30 PM, I opened my door and suddenly the exact thing happened that every Phoenician fears the most. I was hit in the face with a blast of hot air, that was the absence of my air conditioning. OH GOD NO!!!

My first thought was to call 911, but reminded myself that wasn't the type of emergency they deal with. I then called the Lovely Jules to report my bad luck. She had a few suggestions and finished with I could always come back to sleep at her house in the spare room. I told her "nice try" and said I'd call her back.

I'd been complaining about the shitty filter I let some repair guy sell me that takes all day to remove, clean, dry and reinstall and that I hadn't cleaned it since before the dogs left me and it was clearly time. Sure enough, it was plugged up with dirt and that was my problem. As I sit here typing away, it's come down from 85 to 80 already.

Thank goodness, because LJ SNORES!

Book Review

It seems that at some point in my life or another, I've always observed women. I've observed them in many ways, but one of my favorites, was when the auto manufacturers combined efforts with the oil companies to create self serve gasoline stations, when the auto manufacturers hid their gas doors behind the rear license plate, causing the female self serve customer to bend over shamelessly exposing their un-haltered bosoms. Yes girls, we noticed!

Another favorite of we boys was to observe quietly when you ladies sun bathed. There was no telling what surprise was in store for us, but we surely watched. It was while watching this display that I personally observed that sun bathing women liked to read novels by Danielle Steel. I went through my entire life not knowing what they found so mesmerizing about this author, but it was certainly one sided. I NEVER knew of a man that read a book by her and if he did, he certainly didn't do it in public.

Being of pioneer make up, I decided to take this task upon myself and this is my report of that book, "The Rogue". First let me preface this with, I was shopping at Costco when I stopped to look at the book section. My first find was a book by Patricia Cornwell and I had read several of her books in the past, so I scooped that up. Next I saw the Verdict by John Grishim, but since I'd heard such awful reviews of his latest effort, I decided to pass on that one. I did purchase another John Grishim book however. Last was my purchase of a Danielle Steel book that is the subject of this writing.

I only have 60 pages to go, so giving it up is out of the question, but I have never read such a bunch of one sided female propaganda in my life. I have to assume that the target audience is a bunch of male bashing preteen to twenty year old women that really have no idea of how the world really works. Ms. Steel has represented the immature female reader in a story book fashion making the heroine, the female that played the strongest role and men were just a constant hindrance in her life. She creates unrealistic scenarios of the male lead being a self made multimillionaire boy of 46 with the IQ of a rodent, that does not happen in real life.

The female lead in this atrocity in a world renowned Psychiatrist and her second male lead is also a doctor, but a fool that has the nerve to get uppity because his new fiance' wants to sleep with her ex-husband. The second male lead is portrayed as only an Internist and clearly doesn't understand the ways of the world. BULLSHIT!

The book was entitled "The Rogue", has a flat black cover and is as masculine a packaging as I've seen in a book. I must admit that "I bit", but since it was at Costco, I feel salvation in knowing the price was only $4.59. Even at that price I feel I overpaid!

I have GOT to get a real LIFE!

Seething for $4.

I just came from Fry's Crooked Market. I needed a few things that were categorized under eating. From the flyer, I noticed that they had orange juice on sale, along with rib eye steaks for $3.87 a LB. I'm out of everything, so a little shopping excursion was necessary.

I learned many years ago that you cannot trust the supermarkets. When you see a sign that says New York Strip Steaks $3.99 LB, never believe the ones on sale for that price are anywhere near the sign. I can't tell you how many times I've fallen for that one. So today, when I had trouble finding the rib eyes for $3.87, I asked the young butcher where they had hidden them. With a grin on his face, he said right here under the sign. I was shocked, but then I saw that at that price I needed to buy an entire hunk of meat that was uncut and $76.00. They got me again. The ones that were packages in 3's were $4.87 LB, so I just settled for those. I bought the orange juice and some nice tomatoes and when leaving, I saw Kroger sliced 2% cheese slices for $2.31 for about 15 slices. My mind went immediately to cheeseburgers as I grabbed a package. BIG MISTAKE!

Just now I was sitting and eating my cheeseburger and looked over to my left and saw the receipt for my shopping. Milk $1.37- tomatoes $2.41 Cheese $5.69 WHAT??? The stinking cheese that was melted on my burger was $5.69. How did that happen? I ran to the fridge and saw that I had purchased Kraft, not Kroger brand, as they were right below the sign... : (

Foiled again!

Plenty of Fish...

Now that the dust has settled from my exciting dating life, I have some results, although they are almost all bad. We left off with Clara, she just graciously faded away after replying to my email in a favorable, lady-like way. Although I took some abuse from one of my 3 readers, that's all over and put away now.

Let's see, there was Franci. I spoke with Franci for 3 total conversations and probably invested about 5 hours with her. Franci was so self absorbed that there wasn't anyone that was going to be allowed into her life except her 26 year old handsome son, her 88 year old tennis playing mother and her sister that lived in an 8000 sq. ft. house in Paradise Valley and a 7000 sq. ft. home in San Diego. Franci was 56 but was constantly telling me that she's taken for 35 and asked out by boys in their 20's and 30's. This made me nauseous. Although she was a famous talent scout from NYC, she took a course in make-up, but can't find work in that field, so she works at Dillards in sales. On Friday I stalked her and saw her waiting on an old woman in the discount outlet store and just felt sorry for her. I texted her that I'd stalked her and didn't hear back from her, so she's gonna be history. Poor Franci needed worshiping and that's just not my style. At one point she was telling me about this horrible ear surgery she'd had to endure and how much it had hurt. She had gone on for 30 minutes about this ear surgery. Suddenly, I think she took a breath and I saw my opportunity to say something, so I casually mentioned that I'd had open heart surgery. She was abruptly stopped and there was a pause. She said really, that hurts too and continued on the horrors of ear surgery.

I've decided to include a dialogue that I'd had with a woman today, from one of the websites. All she talks about in her profile is her love of dancing. In her emails, all she wanted to know was, if I danced. Enjoy this look into my life, I did.

Dear Margo:

You know Margo, while at my Arthur Murrey dance session, I worried that I had no shoes until I saw a man that had no feet and then I thought , what's he doing here without any feet? In the 5th Grade, Pamela Fishman and I won every dance contest. It got so bad that the hostess would ask what our favorite 45 record was, because we were going to win, hands down. In answer to your question, I was often believed to be of Black descent because of my love for fried chicken and inborn rhythm. Do I dance? What straight man dances by choice? Did you ever hear of a bunch of guys getting together to go dancing??? Margo, dancing is part of the courting ritual performed by most birds and some men. I was just at the Orange Tree Resort in 1996 for my last marriage. I danced, boy did I dance!

Mel

Dear Mel:

Well, the Orange Tree is a weekly ritual for me. So 1996 was the last time you danced? So where is your hometown? Margo

I didn't reply and won't!

Next was Camilla, age 58. I can never be accused of only being interested in younger women, as age is irrelevant to me. We chatted on the phone and Camilla held her own in that department. Camilla, a former nurse worked at the AZ Heart Institute in administration. When I hung up from speaking with Camilla, my reaction was, "eh", nothing special, but a nice person. She contacted me yesterday and invited me where she worked part time as a clerk in a discount furniture store at 28Th St. and Bell. She said it was an opportunity to walk in, check her out and leave, or I can say hello and we can talk if I decided to.

I got all dressed up in my date clothes, my giant bell bottoms and blue flowery shirt (LJ is laughing right now, cuz she knows the outfit). I walk in and I'm the only customer in the place. Everyone stops what they're doing and stares at me, as if I'd farted in church! One woman couldn't stop gawking and smiling at me. I guess that was her (or is it she?) I walked over with a shit eating grin on my face and asked if they sold furniture there? Great ice breaker, huh? Two sort of plump women were eating watermelon and laughing. One lady introduced herself as Camilla and I asked if that was supposed to mean something to me? More gracious laughter. Suddenly I smelled something rather foul and didn't know what it was. I talked Camilla into showing me around the store and the smell followed us. Finally, I determined it was her breath. It was horrible! I started standing back from her but it didn't help. This was my first experience with halitosis when it wasn't coming from me and it was a real deal breaker. I think that one's over!

I've been busy. Last but not least was Ellen. Ellen is 58, Jewish and divorced since 1987, not a good sign. I liked Eleen, she was bright and held a good conversation. She knew the names of all of the South American presidents. No one knows that! We talked for about 4 hours and I was actually looking forward to meeting her. She didn't feel confident with me after hearing of my questionable reputation and being of the opposite sex, so she chose to meet me at the restaurant, in spite of the fact that she had to pass my house on the way there. We went to Carlos O'brien's for a light dinner. Ellen was 5' 2" and slight in stature. She had the old lady look though. She wore Mom jeans and had that slow walk that said 58. Because we were totally engrossed in conversation and the restaurant was begging to close, I suggested we go back to my house to finish our conversation. That's when she gave me the "Stink Eye", like I was really trying to get into those Mom jeans, however I was just thinking about talking. She reached up and tried to give me a goodnight kiss at the car, but I was quick and turned my face just in time, offering my cheek.

Then the next day I sent her an email saying that I had enjoyed her company and was wanting to see her again sometime. She replied with a long recitation about how many relationship were ruined by jumping into bed too soon. I didn't respond to that email, as I felt that she was taking lead of the relationship by setting up rules too soon. All we had was a coke and a smile!

Whoops, she called just now and we chatted for another 3 1/2 hours, so I'm kind of rethinking those Mom jeans. I'll keep you posted until the good stuff happens, lol...

Still Waters Run Deep and Make a Mess Too...

Clara....not!

I tried a new experiment. Not being a scientist, I really have no business experimenting, but it seemed to be the right thing at the time. Last week I met a woman for a drink. Upon entering the establishment, she was awaiting me in the foyer of the place and approached me asking if I were me. My first reaction was that she was shockingly average and not at all what I expected. Why was I expecting anything? Here's my theory. I'm supplied a photo and in this case the photo was taken from quite a distance insuring her anonymity. Therefore, my mind was required to appoint a look for her, which I did. Naturally in my mind, I created something I would like. None of this is her fault, I did it on my own. Are you enjoying my broadmindedness?

We sat down and I was able to learn more about her and frankly, she was a very nice person and I thought, I'll bet she's the kind of woman that grows on you. When I left our initial meeting, I wasn't decided on what my reaction was and gave it some thought. I decided that I could have done worse and wanted to see her again. Usually, if my initial reaction isn't satisfied, I don't look back and move forward. Call it my gut instinct. I learned that Clara was in the middle of moving and was pretty busy, but decided to squeeze me in on Saturday night after she finished. Remembering my first impression wasn't yet satisfied, Clara showed up and immediately asked if she could take a shower at my place. Of course I said yes and offered her towels and toiletries. She said no, she had everything she needed.

About 10 minutes later, Clara came out of the restroom looking similar to a drowned rat with dripping hair, asking for a hair dryer. No problem was my answer and accommodated her. After, Clara sat down and explained that her former boyfriend, that beat her, that just got out of jail for his second felony DUI, that she has entered into buying a house with, that has threatened her life and she has a restraining order on, is her business partner and she's about to walk away from this house and let it go back to the bank to escape his wrath. Now why didn't she mention that before taking a shower and save me a little hot water? Do you think that changed the temperament of the moment? Do you think I looked at this hard working O.R. nurse the same after that story? Do you consider me shallow? Did I give her enough of a chance to prove herself to me? No, I'd heard enough. Getting involved with people that have drama is supposedly behind me. I don't need it, I don't crave it and I won't have it. Today I wrote a Dear Clara email and ended any misunderstanding by merely mentioning that just wasn't "feeling it". OMG! By the way, she left a mess in the bathroom!

Proof of Old Age...

I just got a notice from the Auto Trader Magazine that I had mail from them. I assumed it was someone interested in one of my vehicles, although I've hardly got anything for sale. When I opened the email, I saw it was not a notice of a potential customer, but they were asking me to take a survey concerning the effectiveness of their magazine. It said that it could be completed within 7 minutes and had a chance of me winning $500 by completing the survey. Having nothing else to do at the moment, I was actually interested in seeing what sort of questions they were asking. It also had a gauge to show how advanced you were in the survey, beginning with 0% initially. I clicked on "continue" and the very first question was, What is your age? I entered 63 and clicked next. The next screen said, "You have completed the survey, thank you"! That actually hurt my feelings, I guess they told me!

Who'll Tell My Mom???

I've been reflecting on what to do with this subject for about 24 hours now and find no benefit to contacting the individual in question with any advice, as I know from my previous interaction with them, that it wouldn't be taken constructively. So instead, I've decided to vent to you kind people.

Probably because of my heritage, I'm always drawn to women of the Jewish faith. Not because I find them appealing, but somehow I picture my mother looking down on me from her position in heaven, shaking her head and saying, "that's a good boy"! So when I come across a member of the tribe, I make every exception to just contact them and find out if they're the one. So far, I've had pretty BAD results and I think after yesterday's interaction, I'm ready to tell my mom, "no deal"!

Because off the poor report I have on this person, I'm not going to post her picture, mostly to avoid a potential law suit. The story went something like this.

I saw what was a cute face on the Internet about a week ago and ignored her initially. Seeing her again, I decided to send her a wink. A wink is just a notice to the recipient that I noticed her. It also creates a record of her on my personal page. I didn't get a reply to the wink, indicating she wasn't desperate (yet). A few more days passed and one day I found myself looking at her, although I must admit, her profile was long and I only skimmed it. To me it said a lot of blah, blah, blah. I find that by reading what a woman has to say sometimes, steers me away from her. It said her children were raised and she was now looking for someone for herself. Here's what I saw. A cute, short Jewish woman that was divorced with grown children. Nothing too controversial, right? It said she liked nice things and had expensive tastes. (I stopped reading) Way too boring and I can decide all of that for myself if we get that far. I sent her off a note saying that I thought she was cute and wanted to get to know her better. In closing, I mentioned that my 50th anniversary of my Bar Mitzvah was that past Saturday, 6/5. This was to let her know that we are of the same minority faith.

Two days later, I got a reply that said she looked at my profile and if I'm an Aries, how could my anniversary of my Bar Mitzvah be in June? I was impressed and told her so. Usually I'm the one that is suspicious of people and become the private investigator, lol.. We exchanged a couple of emails and things were going fine, so she offered me her private email address. I like to call that "1st Base".

Later, she said that my profile online didn't reveal very much about me and I should tell her about myself. At this point I feel that it's easier that I just cut and paste my email to her and her subsequent email back, that literally floored me. Read on:


Morning Mel..

So other than having just lost your 2 great danes, what can you tell me about you. Your profile doesn't give much information. What do or did you do? Kids? Grandkids? And do you really like to fish and hunt and do gardening? Not very typical of a Jewish boy from Chicago! Another wise observation.Cheryl

my e-mail is XXXXXXXXXXXX

Hi Cheryl:

I have an AOL account but haven't used it since discovering gmail. I found it to be far more advanced with standard emailing.

When you offer information about yourself on a venue such as Match, it's your opportunity to sell yourself and in doing such, I find it contrary to that concept to offer someone unknown to me, an option of finding something that might dissuade them from being attracted to me. It is for that reason I don't refer to my previous marriage history, my specific religion, my livelihood, or my inability to trust cats. Although some people might think that being a bank robber is attractive and exciting for a livelihood, others may be opposed to it because of the necessity to carry a gun. Do you follow my drift?

As for grandchildren, I have 6. Four that I'm directly responsible for and 2 step-grandchildren, as my younger son, Brad married a woman 10 years his senior that was divorced and had 2 children already. Those two are 21 and 23, yikes! Brad is my younger son of 2 and his older brother Stuart, will be 40 in Dec. Brad is 36. They both live out of state, Illinois and CA.

As for hunting and fishing and gardening, yes and no. I used to love to go fishing with my younger son, Brad. He was an avid fisherman and although I remember going with my father back in the dark ages, it was only at a local lagoon in the Chicago city park and we were 3 minutes from the inner city and home.

In the 1980's I owned a bar and restaurant in Sedona and the locals wanted me to go rabbit hunting with them one Saturday. One of the guys, I think it was Bubba, shot a little bunny and I found it so horrifying, I made an excuse to end my hunting expedition on the spot.

My gardening exploits include managing my own landscaping here at the "compound" (house). I spent a ton on landscaping when I first bought this house and my goal was to make it maintenance-free, I have 25,000 LB of boulders and 30 palms, bent palm trees and NO GRASS!

You seem to be questioning a lot of the things in my profile. Understand that if there is an error, it is merely that. The kind of person I am is one that is without anything to be ashamed of. I'm honest and what I don't want the public to know, is available to people that want to get to know me, no hidden secrets. No agenda. I'm usually the one to be suspicious, lol..

Mel

Blood type AB+

Credit score 825

Size 11 shoe

Has had all shots and vasectomy!

This was the shocking reply:

Hi Mel:

Its not that I'm suspicious its just that I'm on match to find a serious relationship and I don't like to waste my time meeting someone that I don't feel is for me. I've done that before and at this point in my life I'd rather watch TV than have dinner with "mister wrong". I have a successful career, very nice home, and expensive taste. Some men can be intimidated by it while others like making themselves right at home. I'm not looking for either of these types, so I prefer to qualify them first. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. Cheryl. A positive

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I've decided not to respond, but to just let her fade away, thinking whatever she thinks as a result. What I'd like to say to her is this and it's true.

Dear Cheryl:

I finally read your profile and it seemed like an advertisement for a gigolo. It talks of your wealth and how you have expensive taste and that you're only looking for a man that financially secure.

You sell real estate for God's sake! Get over yourself. I usually consider a real estate sales person as someone that needing a little help. Few are successful enough to weather the storms.

As a person gets older, I find that it's harder and harder to find a mate of ANY financial success, let alone someone within your criteria. I'd be happy to find someone with a pulse, let alone qualifying.

In closing I feel like I'd be remiss on an important point and that is how you've taken the Jewish religion and pushed it back to a time when dinosaurs walked the Earth. Nice job! You've done me a service. My search for a good Jewish divorced or widowed woman is over. Someone had better notify my Mom!

Mel

My Saturday Night Date

Goodnight Kathi 58yrs.

I think it was 7:30 when I bit into my dinner, 2 slices of rye toast spread heavily with peanut butter, when the phone rang, naturally. The caller ID announced it was Kathi calling for her introductory phone call. I didn't answer it, but instead let the machine get it. Here is my theory. A man with a mouthful of peanut butter at room temperature and a drunk sound quite alike. I opted for a clear mouth before speaking with a lady and trying to make that first impression. Also, it gave me the opportunity to audit her voice for old lady qualities. No one has ever decided at what moment a woman's voice raises itself to that grandmother pitch, but at some point it seems to happen. One day a woman has that fun loving youthful, I'll do anything for fun kind of voice,then without warning she goes to sleep and awakens sounding like your grandmother. Kathi not only sounded youthful, but she had a speakers voice and I was anxious to talk with her.

Talk we did for an amazing marathon 5 full hours. In addition to a couple of slices of peanut on rye, I was in the middle of a half watched episode of "Cops", (Bad Boy, Bad Boy, Get on the ground) my long time Saturday night friend. After Cops and a long drink of cold water to clear my palate, I dialed her number, having already been advised she was going to be home all night.

I learned a lot from Kathi. First, she had just published a book and second was that you NEVER ask a recent new author what her book was about. I think the answer filled the first full hour, while I watched 48 Hour Mystery on channel 5. I also asked what a Life Coach was and that filled the second hour, as I watched the news. At 10:30, SNL came on and Kathi told me about her 3 marriages and that's when I jumped in to tell her of my 3. Several times I inquired as to whether or not she was still there listening and she assured me she was. I gave the floor back to Kathi as she told me of her breast cancer experience and 7 subsequent surgeries. I tried to tell her that I had a life altering surgery too and offered that I had been stabbed in the heart accidentally. I thought certainly that was the cliff hanger that would cause her to ask a little about me, but no. She was back to talking about herself. She's a very successful, wealthy woman that has never had children, but has raised the children of her 3 husbands, she owns houses in several states, but they're currently in foreclosure and she used to have a 778 credit score.

Kathi told me that she's recently revised her profile to include 5 exercise days a week until she gets this weight off (red flag) Somehow we discussed the freshness of her pictures and she volunteered that she cannot afford to have professionally done pictures too often and that her pictures are fairly recent, touched up to remove pores. I stopped her and asked if pores is another word for wrinkles? She laughed and said, no silly (Red flag 2). At some point I asked if the 7 cancer surgeries were for reconstruction and her response was that she was going to need a man that was deeper than most and she looks great in clothes. I took that as a no. Let me interject that this was not a deal breaker and if ever there was a man that understood what it is to awaken from a surgery alive and that if you can "date" is quite superfluous. You want to walk and don't worry if you can run. I'm that man for sure, but what I didn't like about Kathi was the fact that she was so involved in herself, it didn't really matter that I was even on the phone. She was enjoying the sound of her own voice. She never asked me anything about me. What I did for a living, how I got stabbed in my heart, if I had children, why I retired, where I lived, anything about my dogs.

At 1 AM I was still marvelling at her stamina to talk and out of nowhere I screamed out "KATHI"! There was finally a pause. I said I concede, I quit, you won, you out-talked me! I told her my phone has a minute counter and we have been talking (she had been talking) 300 minutes. I'll speak with her again, but for tonight I have to call it quits. Her reply was, "My, I didn't realize it was that late". I told her goodbye and we'd speak again. Frankly I'm not sure that's going to happen..................... Neeeext!

Couch Potatoes

Kathi

I guess it's time for an update. The Lady from Spain that I adored, I don't adore her anymore. When the dust settled, she was just another foreigner with a Spanish accent, that I had to squint to understand. But I did make contact with a life coach. I don't know yet what a life coach does, but I've got a life and clearly need coaching, so here we go again. This lady's name is Kathi and is closer to my age at 58, but doesn't seem to look that age. I'll fish out a picture somehow.

Then I got an email from a lady name Dee this morning. Dee is a 51 year old nurse at Mayo Clinic that found me right after I joined the dating service in April, we've spoken but not met. She wanted to know if I was still interested and with the Spaniard gone, I'm more than pleased to. Met an interestingly intelligent lady from Prescott that became a widow at 45. She's 49 now and so far a good pen pal. That's the rundown on the lack of a social life.

On Wednesday of this week, I got a call from the Lovely Jules. She had crawled out from under the pile of rubble left from her renovation, painting and re-carpeting and was all excited about going furniture shopping. I checked my daytime schedule and it had an opening, so what the hell? She comes walking in like she owns the place, as usual, insisting that I take her out for breakfast before I go through the insults of the day. We ate at Village Inn, always a mistake. We watched a perfectly good young Hispanic waitress get chastised for some damn thing, by the know nothing wasp manager. When he was through, she looked like he had beaten her. She just had that forlorned look on her face. I gave her a wink and a smile and was pleased when she smiled back, walking away.

We left the restaurant with 2 free pieces of cherry pie "to go". Who knew it was free pie Wednesday? I insisted that we drop off the pie at my house while we shopped so it wouldn't spoil in the heated car. Knowing full well that LJ would never remember to get hers before leaving for home. Guess what! I was right! From my house we headed to the Christian second hand store, where LJ volunteered to work one day a week, selling second hand furniture. The guy looked at me and said they had an opening for a driver too. I guess he didn't know a Jewish boy could lose his circumcision by volunteering at the Christian Store. I politely declined and informed him that the Lovely Jules was a known shoplifter here in AZ and has done plenty of time! He didn't know what to say, poor guy. LJ assured him that she had just picked me up hitchhiking and that my word wasn't reliable. I'd be willing to bet that LJ doesn't get that job as a volunteer.

From there we headed to J & K Furniture where the Lovely Jules fell in love with a burgundy sofa. Praise the Lord, our day of shopping was over! She drove me home to get to her house to make ready for the delivery, leaving quickly, sans her pie (LOL). My day was complete.

Breaking News: Just got a call from the Lovely Jules to tell me that she's going to be a grandmother for the third time. Her daughter Niki is due in January. Congratulations to the expectant parents.........and LJ!

Lady from Spain I Adore You...

That song keeps coming to mind after today's date with Maria. After what seems like a long day for me, starting off with an 8 AM appointment with my cardiologist, I drove home about 10:30 AM, only to get stuck on Tatum Rd for 20 minutes while they repaved it for next years tourists. I sat there patiently, but I couldn't say the same for some of our other citizens that threw u-turns and chose another route. At the end of the race, we all tie.

I arrived home full of energy for some reason and decided to tackle changing the tire on my Expedition that decided to just sit there and go flat. I hadn't driven that car for weeks, it just sat in my driveway and one day while taking out the trash, I noticed it was looking a little low on air, but not enough to concern myself with it. About an hour later LJ pulled up and announced that my tire was flat on my car. I laughed, explaining that I'd just checked it and it was low, but fine. WRONG! It had the nerve to go flat that very hour since looking at it. The valve stem just gave up on it when I tried to fill it, it just came off in my hand. Strange.

So, today I jacked it up, took off the wheel and took it to Discount Tire where they really treated me well and for free. Naturally I gave the guy a generous tip and he actually acted like he appreciated it. Their business was noticeably slow. While waiting for my tired to be repaired, I moseyed over to Wal-mart, that is a post all of it's own usually.

While wandering through Wal-mart, I thought of a party game that couples could play to entertain themselves for an evening, similar to a scavenger hunt. The hostess or host of the party sends the participants out to get a specified item at Wal-mart and they have a time limit, lets say 30 minuted to find it or find an employee that knew where it was stocked. My quest was to buy myself a new toaster, as the one I bought from Target for $6 finally gave up after 7 years. That comes out to 85 cents a year, not too shabby, eh? So after searching the square mile store unsuccessfully, I found an employee kind of hiding out chatting with a fellow clerk. This girl was about 20 years old and acted like I was rude for joining in on her private conversation, even though I began with "pardon me". Without warning she took off running at a pretty good clip as I yelled to her, "Am I supposed to follow you"? She yelled back, YEAH! I THOUGHT YOU KNEW THAT! Trying desperately to keep up, eventually she found the toasters. I picked out one for $6.30 perfect. The only problem was, when I got home I tried it and the openings are too short for large slices of bread, but for that price, I can't complain.

After eating a sandwich that was 1/2 toasted, I called Maria to see if she wanted to finally meet me. This poor woman lives about an hour away from me, but works right by my house in Scottsdale. Don't think for a minute that I wanted to lose the chance of catching her on my side of town. Maria called me at 9:30 on Saturday night and invited me out to meet her for a drink. She was in Avondale and I'm in Scottsdale. As recently as 6 months ago, I would have jumped at the opportunity to meet a woman that has already had the advantage of a few cocktails in her, but not me. I told her it's almost 10 PM and by the time I shave, shower and get dressed and drive across town, it'll be too late. She apologized saying she didn't realize it was so late. I hung up saying the words, Stooopid, stooopid, stooopid as I slammed my forehead.

So I put on my sexiest jeans and headed over to the restaurant to meet her. As I pulled in, I got a call saying she's just leaving the office, she'll be about 10 more minutes. I waited in front so I could bolt if I didn't like her. That wasn't the case. She pulled up in her BMW and got out of the car with one voyeur watching closely. Great shape, pretty face and about 5' 4". (By the way, the bogus picture I posted on my recent post was not Maria, I just wanted to see if I got any comments about my taste in women)

We drank diet Coke and wine for about 2 hours and got along pretty well. The high spot of our meeting was when the waitress kept coming back to see if we wanted to order. Neither of us were hungry, so I announced rather loudly that we were on a Match.com date and were just trying to get to know each other. The waitress walked away laughing and when I looked over at Maria, she was a rather bright shade of mauve, fanning her face with her menu. I kept saying what, whaaaat?

All and all we got along fine, I thought, but you never know until you call to see if your call is welcomed. Mine was and we agreed that we got along pretty well and should see one another again.