Sunday, June 1, 2008

Darned $5 Dog...

I went to a friend's house last night to watch a little TV. I don't seem to see enough of the thing here, so when I go out, I really enjoy watching the tube a little more. We were laying in bed, as that is where her newest TV resides and we were watching cage fighting. I'd never really seen this type of sport before and was quite impressed with it. These maniacs go into a cage with a like minded opponent and literally try to kill one another. Blood is everywhere. The mat is even coated with an even layer of plasma. One guys ear was practically ripped off before our very eyes.

My friend was so engaged watching the teeth fly, that she was screaming at the top of her lungs, "Kill the bastard". I didn't really expect her to react that way, as she's usually quite demure and never even let's a curse word escape from her well made up mouth. You'd have thought she was a cheer leader for the winner! Well, without warning, her pet dog, a 65 LB fellow, that was purchased for the mere price of $5, leaped from his position on the floor and attacked me. He tore his 4 canines into my arm at the fleshy part of the forearm and tore the flesh off. With a quick swallow it was gone and he was after me again, this time he engaged his teeth into the stub that was left and was ripping again! I went into immediate shock as my friend kept screaming STOP, to her $5 dog and then repeatedly asking if I was going to sue... She ran for the first aid kit and put 2 of those small band-aids onto the oozing flesh, saying that ought to hold it. Then she took her index finger, pointed it directly into her $5 dog's face and said, "Bad doggy", sending her pet outside for punishment. Then she resumed screaming as I almost bled out, watching the cage fight.

I passed out and looked over at my friend who was also asleep. With my one good arm, I let myself out and drove over to the Emergency Room of St. Kylie's Hospital, where I was tossed onto a gurney and wheeled to the OR for life saving blood transfusion. Suddenly, my cell phone went off and I answered it and it was my friend whose $5 dog chewed off my arm. She was hysterical finally. I barely made out what she was screaming, but it sounded like she was saying, "someone had better plan on paying for her comforter that was literally soaked in blood". I agreed to fork over the necessary cash as soon as I was released from the hospital. She said, I'd better or she was turning it over to her lawyer. I hung up and the staff prepared me for surgery where they were going to graft a hunk on flesh from my ass and attach it to my abused stump of a right arm. They assured me that it may smell bad from time to time, but should function okay.

My friend, feeling pretty bad about everything, invited me over tonight to take her $5 dog for a walk with her. I'm going, but I'm wearing armor!


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