Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My Calling in Life...

Knowing your position in life is very important to a person. It wouldn't be wise to rise above one's calling. My calling, of late, is to be the caretaker for these 2 wonderful beasts. My intention today was to sell my Volvo convertible to a man that was flying in from Reno, but I have to assume that his plane crashed, as he never showed up or even called to let me know he had changed his mind. As I sat pondering an email that I received from the Lovely Jules, it occurred to me that I don't have any cooked chicken for the Dynamic Duo and I don't even know where there is any on sale. An actual light bulb lit over my head and I recall seeing something about dead chicken in a flier from K-Mart. I went out to my garage where I tossed said flier and sure enough, they had dead chickens for 79 cent a pound for whole chicken, but only at the Super K-Marts. What the hell is a Super K-Mart? Does it fly?

I got into my Toyota that I was trying to melt in the sun and began the trip to a place called Super K-Mart. When it's 115 degrees outside and your Toyota is sitting in the sun, guess what the temperature of the steering wheel is. 2004 is not the exact temp, but it felt pretty close to that. I stopped at my mailbox to see if there were any fliers there and got lucky, there were. I found that milk is on sale at both Fry's and Albertson's for $1 a half gallon, but I hate milk. I haven't been to a K-Mart since the old Chinese restaurant moved to Indian School that Julie loved so much, I'm gonna guess at 15 years. When one has Wal-Mart, why would one go to K-Mart? It seemed to me that there was a K-Mart behind my old favorite Chinese Restaurant, but they tore it down years ago, That place was a former Bonanza Steak House for all of you oldies... So I was headed to Cactus and 32nd Street in beautiful suburban Phoenix. I was sure it was still there until I pulled up on the corner and didn't see it. Disgusted, I was about to turn around when I noticed a major shopping center where it used to be. It was talking about Craftsman and Sears, when I realized that Sears bought K-Mart and this joint was a new SUPER K-MART! I was close to getting chills, but not quite.

I entered and in keeping with K-Marts history, the joint was beautiful but empty. I was privy to the Number one Handicapped parking space without a fight with some old woman with a walker. I entered and bowling came to mind. This place was empty enough to bowl in. It was well lit, had the typical K-Mart employees, people that couldn't cut it at Wal-Mart. I saw a sign that read fresh meat and thought they were referring to me! I walked in that direction when I spotted their butcher. After reading some of the tattoos on his arms, I located his face and asked where they kept the dead chickens. With a friendly K-Mart smile, he pointed to the freezer case and gave me the "low down" on how they situate things there. If it's on sale, it's in the freezers on the ends of the isles, got it? I was tempted to challenge him to a game of tic-tac-toe on his forearm, but didn't feel that I knew him well enough. I spotted the dead birds though. Grabbing my limit of three, I headed towards the checkout when I thought, gee, this is an ideal place to get a floaty for my pool. I asked another young lady that was dragging her knuckles across the floor if she worked here, after all she was dressed in a red vest and had a K-Mart name tag. No luck, she didn't speak English. Another gentleman dressed similarly offered his help and I was told that the pool section is all the way down on the right. Putting my hands over my eyes to even see that far, I asked him to call me a cab for the trip down there. He didn't think it was funny and let me know with a dirty look.

After about an hour walk, I arrived at pool-land and again asked for direction from a K-Mart employee, but was told she was new. A way too friendly gentleman from the gay side of town sauntered up and offered his help. I asked for where I could find the floats for the kids. He pointed out a few that ranged in price around $50, I said no, for the little kiddies and he showed me one for $2.99! It said for age 4 and up and I'm over 4. I bought it. I was happy enough to skip! I've had the expensive ones and frankly, I don't want to store them all damned winter, I want to throw the mother out! I am a little worried that I might have bought a gay looking one, it's bright orange...

I drove home anxious to blow up my raft and put it into the pool, but when I entered, there was blood all over the floor. I assumed that someone rang my bell and my female Dane is so anxious, that she runs across the tackless strip that used to hold down the carpeting, that she has ripped loose. when she hits it, she bleeds like that and gets blood all over the floor. I cleaned it up and found lots of blood drops around the tile floor.

Knowing that I had dead chicken to clean and cook and dice, I began that chore. As soon as I opened the first dead chicken bag, I had two onlookers that couldn't be drawn away with a team of mules. As I took out the necks and gizzards for the trashman, I thought about the BARF diet and decided to toss a chicken neck to each of them. Neither dog knew what to do with it, Bogie spitting his out, but when I offered to throw it away for him, he swallowed that sucker on the spot. He was confused as he's never had raw food before, but as bad as his stomach has been on processed dog food, it couldn't have been any worse.

That was all about 5 minutes before I looked into the living room and saw a trail of diarrhea that ran about 10 feet long. Being color blind, I thought that was blood on the floor, but all along it was SHIT. Poor Bogie, here he's been sick the entire time I was gone and I come home and feed him a raw chicken neck for the first time ever. That's when he proceeded to puke all over the family room floor. Not having any patience for any of this stuff, I whisked Bogie outside, while I cleaned up the puke and just threw out the towel I used. Let Bogie in because remember it's 115 outside, then spent about 2 full hours cleaning up shit in the living room on the (used to be) white carpeting. Thank God for the latex gloves that Randi left.

Now it's time to feed the Dynamic Duo. What do you feed a dog that's blowing chunks and has the Hershey Squirts, but is famished and insists on eating. I gave him just kibble with his new powder that is for his sensitive stomach. I gave Zoie diced chicken and kibble and she wasn't interested eating, but a little. She went outside and wanted to drink, but feeling bad for her, I offered them cold water inside. Zoie drank a lot of water and wanted to go outside. I was still finishing up with the living room mess and I went outside and saw Bogie squatting unsuccessfully. Then I saw a puddle that he had left outside, telling me that he still had the squirts. I finished cleaning up everything, picked up the yard because it's garbage day. Chopped up a few palm fronds that had fallen in the wind last night and was thinking about stripping down to my underwear and jumping onto my orange raft, when suddenly, out of nowhere, Zoie explodes and pukes up her entire dinner all over the tiles patio, but in 3 different places. I'm totally disgusted with my head down into my hands saying, why, why, why, when I realize that both dogs just got sick OUTSIDE, not in the house! I hosed down the patio and jumped into the pool with my clothes on. I needed that 2 seconds under water where the real world doesn't exist..........just 2 seconds, please! I surfaced to 400 LB of Great Danes barking at me, trying to tell me that if I drown, who will be their caretaker? See, that's my calling in life!

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