Friday, October 24, 2008

The Story of Barbara Boobie and How She Got Her Name

(Barbara Boobie)
The year was 2002 and I had just split up with my wife and thought, why not join an online dating service to fill in some of the lonely hours. I posted a picture and fill out a profile and waited. Although I was still pretty much in shock over the sudden disappearance of my wife without a warning, I thought it might be a good idea to get out a little. I literally hated the idea of starting out all over again. One day I received a not from a woman named Barb and I'll be a son of a gun if she didn't live about 2 blocks from me. We chatted on the phone for a while and made a date to meet on Saturday night for a drink, someplace close to the house. I'd not gone on a date in years and was kind of looking forward to Saturday. It turned out that Barb was also from Chicago and we seemed to have a few things in common. Saturday afternoon I received a phone call from Barb and she said, is this Mike? I said, no you have the wrong number and was about to hang up when she asked what my name was. Confused, I volunteered the information that my name was Mel. She said good, that's who I was calling. She said, this is Barbara and I need to cancel our date for tonight, as my date from last night is still here... Gagging, only one short word came to mind and it was ewww..........! I didn't say it though, all I said was okay and hung up. Maybe dating wasn't such a good idea after all.

Eventually, Barb called me again and wanted to get together. It seemed a shame since she lived so close that she was so sleazy. I agreed to meet her at the park between our houses for a glass of wine. The dog park is only 4 houses down from me and so convenient after hours. As I sat there on a picnic bench, I saw a silhouette approaching wearing tight white slacks and a looooow cut top. When a woman dresses that provocatively in the 'hood, it usually because of a recent boob job and such was the case with Barbara Boobie. We sipped wine and chatted and laughed about how her recent date thought he was going to move in. While she was laughing I was making some important decisions on BB and what I decided was, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, if you catch my drift? At some point during our brief evening, I pointed to her overly available bosom and asked, "are those new?" With a smile and an enthusiasm she exclaimed yes, do you want to see them? Again, without warning, she lifted her top and exposed her more than ample bosom saying, "Go ahead and feel them, they feel real"!

I think we went back to my house, I was only 4 door away from home and she met the Dynamic Duo and we made plans for getting together again some time soon. I think the next time I saw her was to go to a dog show and it was pretty uneventful and then she just faded away.. Bye bye, Barbie.

About a year later I got an email from her saying that she and her girlfriend were walking past my house and saw me out there working in my yard, but was too shy to stop and say hello. Thinking about it for awhile, I decided to have some fun with BB and replied that my name is Melinda and I'm a 27 year old housewife in Oklahoma where I live with my husband Bret and my 4 year old boy, Scottie and I've only just gotten this email address a month ago. Well BB gets sucked in really deep and explains all of our business to this OK housewife, telling her how we met and she kind of liked me but I didn't follow up with her. I just couldn't do it anymore and told her the truth and we once again started to communicate with her. We're emailing back and forth and speaking on the phone when suddenly she mentions that she's been seeing the same guy for about 3 years. So when she's with me, she's cheating on him! I cool off like a burning piece of charcoal tossed into a bucket of water. Barbara Boobie disappears again, which is a good thing. The following year, she contacts me again, this time to tell me that she's lost a bunch of weight on the Atkins Diet. I meet her for a drink and sure enough she looked pretty good, but she was still seeing that guy.

By now it was probably late in 2005 and she contacts be again. I had just recovered from heart surgery and had lost about 30 LB and I mean quickly. I knew I didn't look too good and Barbara Boobie made it pretty apparent that she was not only turned off , but as dumb as she is, she acted like she could catch it! On this visit she asked if she could move in with me and bring her cat. Well the Dynamic Duo have never really seen a cat, close up anyway and I don't think introducing a new friend to them would be such a good idea at this point. What I neglected to tell you was that BB had married that guy that she dated for so long and it lasted a whopping 6 weeks before he threw her recently slimmed down ass out, but not before getting her money from the sale of her old house. Also, could I refer her to anyone that could use her for an employee, as she's also lost her job.

Frankly, I felt really sorry for her and told her she could move in, but sans the cat and I was trying to call friends that might employ her, but she flaked out on me and didn't follow up with phone calls and generally caused me to apologize to a lot of people. BB disappeared off the face of the Earth once again. I heard from her about 6 months late and she wanted something and this was my reply.

Dear BB:

You seem to contact me every year or so, whenever you need something. Like the friend that I thought I was, I always tried to help you, in one way or another and you constantly let me down. If it's okay with you, I'd prefer to switch to a different schedule, where you contact me every 20 years. I hope you understand.



Barbara Boobie contacted me again today and either never received my email or doesn't want to remember it, because she wants me to help her get her son a car. I replied that I'd be happy to help her in about 18 1/2 years!


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