Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Applicants

(foot growing out of head)
(accident victim)

I'm sitting here this gorgeous Sunday morning awaiting applicants. It seems that I've advertised for a mate and have had quite a few ladies apply. Frankly, it doesn't seem to mean much, as my ad has been running for about a month now and so far the applicants haven't qualified when their references are called. Most lie and scheme to make themselves more attractive, when honesty appeals to me more that the 5 to 8 years that they reduce their ages. Lacy turned out to be Laura when I complimented her on her name. A screen name is acceptable, since mine is Dutch Ovens.

Laura was very charming and supposed to be 57. She assured me that her age was accurate when I mentioned that my experience was 55 will get you 60! She laughed and once again reiterated that her's was 57 and she looks much younger. Laura/Lacy has a busy day today and had to hang up after about 30 minutes, promising to call this evening, as she was really enjoying our conversation. Lacy/Laura has 3 ex-husbands and they all cheated on her. After hanging up with this woman, I thought about it for a time and eventually made it to my friend the computer, that had an eyeful on Lacy/Laura. LL told me she was in commercial real estate and explained that she works for a developer and is really not feeling the declining economy yet. Although I didn't have her last name, her cell number gave me some ads she'd run of late and it gave her last name in her ads. Now having that important piece of info, I did a search on LL to find that she's 60 years old, not 57 and that would have been fine if she had told me that to begin with or at least when questioned. LL actually had the nerve to say to me, "How can a woman start a relationship with a lie"?

Next was Debbie. Debbie started our communication with declining my advance towards her, sighting that she has nothing to offer a man that's interested in women 20 years younger than him. In my profile I use 47 to 57 and I'm 63. I questioned her attitude and got a nice email back from her admitting she's getting to a stage in her life where she's easily irritated. Gee, just what I'm looking for. Now I knew she wasn't 54 as her profile claimed. I then bluffed her into admitting she was really 58 and did it show in her anger? Noooo... Not in the least. Somehow, this woman and I have become friends and we're into the same authors in our reading taste, which tells me that my tastes are similar to a 58 year old post menopausal woman. Great to hear! I'm still waiting for Debbie to return my call so she can explain why she is so irritated at men. (can hardly wait).

About a month ago, my friend Marsha tried to set me up with a woman that she met hiking one day. I blew her off thinking that a woman hardly knows what a man looks for in a mate. Marsha might like the way the woman puts her make up on, while I'm looking at deeper things, like shoe size. The name of this woman was a name I'd never heard of before and although I didn't remember it, I took notice of it. Let's call her Sheena.

I'm cruising along one day on my dating service looking for a wife, when this woman catches my eye. She's cute and waaaay short, about 5 feet tall and is pictured in an over-sized chair accenting her child-like appearance, in spite of her 58 years. I wrote a short introductory email and heard nothing for about 3 days. Then, I receive a reply that is the all time record breaking LONGEST email since the beginning of the Internet, back in 1996, when I got my first computer. Her email took time, concentration and was really good reading. When it was time to sign off, it read Sheena! O-M-G! No way. this cannot be the same woman. Well, it was. Marsha dun good!

Sheena and I are interested in meeting one another, but it will have to wait, as she's in Patagonia for the weekend.

Out of the blue, I get this really nice email from a woman named Franci. Franci is 56 and even I have to agree that she doesn't look it. I think she looks Jewish, but her profile says she's Agnostic. She's a take charge type and asked me for my phone number and if it would be okay to call today? I gave her the okay dokey and am waiting and as I told her. With this reversal of roles, I feel like a fat chick waiting for the phone to ring, 2 weeks before prom!

Last and I'm afraid least, is Janice. Janice is my Jewess choice from Jersey. Janices' greatest quality is the fact that she's recently divorced from a guy that she's been married to for 21 years. In other words, she hasn't yet developed that serial dater attitude that I'm finding in women that have been on the street for a long time. The longer they're alone and looking, the meaner they get! Debbie in my story is a good example of that. By this time you may be saying to yourself, "What makes him think he's such a bargain"? The answer: I'm NOT.

Wish me luck, I could be dead or wounded by bedtime!


Anonymous said...

Good reading! I especially laughed
at the "fat chick" thing 2 weeks
before prom. Blunt, but to the point.
Keep on entertaining us with your hunt for a new wife. Happy Memorial
Day as well...

Anonymous said...

Didn't know you were wife I know I can introduce you to the Sheenas that I know and I'm sure you'll love....are you interested in meeting a petite Italian lady about 58?? NMS

Anonymous said...

Just another question, if I were to put on a pink shirt, throw myself in the street and lie on my big belly, cross my ankles high in the air(right over left, of course) and support all my weight on my forearms(such strength!)would you be willing to step into said traffic and snap my pic? I could use it in my obit...NMS