Monday, April 20, 2009

Wild Vespa Weekend...

This weekend I spent it's entirety trying to sell this scooter. When I awakened on Friday morning, there was a voicemail on my cell, a text message from the same lady, Monika and two emails. This all happened at about 7 AM, but I never got up until 8. Seems like almost an urgency to speak with me about my scooter. I texted her back that I'd be available all day for her shopping needs and she finally called me around noon. She told me her story, that whenever she's in Europe she likes to rent Vespas and decided to get her own for here in town. (Hey, whatever floats your boat, lady) She's an extremely busy woman and is it okay to come over tonight around 7? Sure, I told her I'd be here until the funeral. What funeral she asked? Mine, I replied. She never showed up and at 8:30 PM, I texted her that she was a no-show. No response. By the way, during our first conversation, she asked if I thought the Vespa might make her ass look big. I shyly replied, I'd don't know, trying to turn the conversation back to the scooter.

Saturday morning, I hear the cell indicate there was a text message, knowing full well who it might be, after all it was 8 AM, her time to start calling. The text read, "I woke up thinking about you, call me. Monika"... WTF? I texted her back, "need a little time to let my wrinkles hang out and shower, I'll call you after". After my shower I texted her, showered, not shave, coffee almost ready. She texted back, address plzz. I called her to give her directions and she took them with the first try and hung up.

At this point let me interject. I don't think I've run into a stronger personality since my Jewish mother was alive and she was chasing my father around the kitchen with a frying pan in her hand, referring to my poor father's lazy ways. (I'll continue).

A car pulled up in front of my house about 20 minutes later, but stayed there, in the middle of the street for about 20 minutes, while the occupant talked on the phone waving her arms and flailing. All of a sudden my cell phone rang and in a sweet feminine voice, she said, Mel, it's Monika, I'm here, Sweetie. (Again, WTF?) Sweetie??? I told her I was watching her out my window and told her I'd greet her in the driveway. I hung up and walked outside, past the scooter that was parked between 2 cars in my garage. She walked up to me, passed the scooter and asked if I could get her a cup of coffee before we did business. I invited her in and got her a cup of my freshly brewed coffee. I offered her a chair at the kitchen table and she started talking and continued to talk for 2 non-stop hours. The coffee pot was empty and she was still going strong. She told me about how wonderful she was and how EVERYONE loved her and how she brings light into everyone's life. She told me of her 3 divorces and what dogs men were and all I wanted to do was sell my friend's scooter! Let me give you a description of Monika, not her real name, I checked.

About 55 to 60 years old, but claimed to be born in 1955, making her 53 or 54. A little overweight, about 20 LB. I could see that she was once attractive, but the double chin left that years behind her and she had a big unattractive chest, with a big butt. I wanted to go back in time to tell her the scooter wouldn't make her butt look big, nature did it! Monika started a sentence with the following words: "One time when I was going down on my husband, I saw bugs crawling on his pubic are and knew he was cheating on me then"... She must have sensed from the look on my face that I was shocked, to say the least, so she explained she didn't have a problem with talking about sex. I shook my head with acceptance.

Next Monika said I should take her for a ride on the scooter. ME? She told me she only rides in Europe and it's been awhile. I got on the thing and Monika climbed on behind me, holding me tightly. A little too tightly for a stranger. After the ride, I'd had enough. I took the conversation to a business level, probably too late. I tried to pin her down and all I got was I've others to look at. I felt sorry for those gentlemen. Monika finally left and a friend came over with some lunch and we laughed about my weird morning.

Not much happened for the rest of the weekend until last night. I got an email from the guy that I wrote my last post about and his email read, "I'll go $2500". Well shit, that'll buy it! So now I've got a bonifide (online) offer of $2500 from someone who's been pestering me for about 10 days. I go to bed.

When I awoke this morning there were about 7 emails for me, one said, "You know I won't be buying a coffee mug? I burst out laughing and waited a full 2 hours before responding that I understood. Next there was an offer for $2000 from a total stranger and how he was going to do me a big favor. I told him I had a $2500 offer but thanks. Next I get a call from this guy Abe that offered the $2500, that he wants to come over but his father is in the hospital, can we make it tomorrow? I tell him sure and offer my best wishes to Dad. Who do you suppose calls next? Right, Monika. I tell her it's time to poop or get off the pot, I've got an offer for $2700 and he's coming to get it at 5 PM. She blurts out that she'll go $2750 (perfect). I tell her to get her overweight butt over here with some money to bind this deal and she says she'll call me back in 15 minutes. An hour later she calls and tells me she's not getting it. I tell okay, goodbye. I'm completely worn out with her and really didn't want to sell it to her because it would mean further phone calls, I knew it. Thirty minutes later I get a text from Monika, "Do I want to get together". I ignored it. So, after all of that, here I sit with the Scooter in my garage and my only prospect is Abe. Thanks for listening...

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