Faking Sleep

Throughout my life, I've been known to fake sleep. At different ages I did it for different reasons. When I was a small child and I'd oversleep and I'd only be "late" for school, I'd fake sleep so it wouldn't be prudent to even try to make it. When successful, I was awarded a day off. This was my reward for staying absolutely still and not waking up another family member that might blow the whistle on my plan.

In the 1980's, I was married to a woman that suffered from Nymphomania and I don't have to tell you why I had to fake sleep, but on occasion I just did.

My most recent reason for faking sleep is almost embarrassing. I am the proud roommate of a sweet but klutzy Great Dane name Zoie. Although very graceful when galloping across a field or jumping up on a picnic table, she cannot jump up into a human's bed or sofa without doing some very serious damage to life and limb. I mean, when Zoie goes airborne, there's no telling where she's going to land. She's one of those darlings that will not let anyone touch her nails, so the things are almost lethal when she's flying through the air towards you. Although she used to be a late sleeper, since I moved to smaller quarters, her morning routine has changed to force me to revisit old habits.

Usually before the sun comes up, in my sleep, I sense the presence of another entity a little too close for comfort. I slowly open my eyes and see this monster's face right in my face and can smell her 9 year old morning breathe as she rejoices in my consciousness. That's when she just scares the shit out of me and I lose it, screaming horrible things at her usually followed by getting back in her bed! I'll calm down and doze back to sleep and hear her come at me again, who knows how much later, but usually 5 minutes or so. This time she sniff me on the nose and mouth leaving a considerable amount of Dane drool. Self control is defined by not letting a 125 Great Dane that has to go out, not know that you are awake as the drool drips down the side of your face. That's when I hear a horrible animal scream and am terribly surprised to find out it is coming from ME!!!

This morning that exact situation occurred and when I arose, Bogie, my big boy Dane was nowhere to be found. I called him and there was no response and at his advanced age, that makes me worry. I quickly got up and searched for him and where do you suppose I found him? He was sprawled out in the living room on the white carpeting, where he is NOT allowed to be, just enjoying himself. Guess what I did? Nothing.. Wanna know why? Bogie is going to be 10 years old next month, a senior citizen for a Great Dane, has never caused a problem ever, is the sweetest dog I've ever encountered and has earned the right to do whatever he wants, period, amen! I grabbed my socks off the floor from yesterday and wiped the drool off my mouth... and started my day. Disgusting, I know....