What I HATED Leaving Behind....

One of the most important things that I'd left behind, was the innocents and youth of my children. Let me elaborate. When I was 33 I divorced after 11 years of marriage, my wife Barbara. I felt good that I was rid of her, comparing her to eliminating a problematic retarded neighbor from ones personal responsibility. I knew she and my children would be well taken care of, as they were going to live with her mother and father in Chicago. They were responsible people of means in their 50's and always showed a responsibility towards their and my children, although my father-in-law's line of work was questionable.

Although I knew I needed to eliminate this woman, my wife from my life, I felt horribly guilty about losing my 2 sons in the same process, but at that time it was virtually impossible for a father to get custody of youthful children. They simply belonged with their mother, a court standard.

At first I was terribly lonely, having given up the only family and way of life that I knew, but eventually started a single lifestyle. I sold and divided the family home and assets and faithfully paid my child support.

My former wife was going through a period of her life were she was finally needing to stand up for herself and finally moved out from her parent's home and started a career. What I never knew was that she was the worst mother on the planet. She developed tunnel vision of her wants and desires and no one else counted. My poor son shared with me today, when I encouraged him to develop a relationship with his estranged mother as she appeared here in town a few months ago, divorcing and destitute. I told him that whatever she had done, she was still his mother and he owed his allegiance to her. That perhaps he should be a little more forgiving to her? Without complaining, this 34 year old man shared with me that he never had a coat to wear in the winter, as his mother never bought him one. That he never ate lunch at age 7, as she was fast asleep in the mornings when he was readying for school and there was no one to ask for money. That he tried to get money from the neighbor for lunch money, but was too shy to ask. When he came home from school, this same 7 year old was required to learn how to use a can opener to make himself soup, the only thing he could find to eat, while his mother slept in her locked bedroom.

He told me that he went to live with an aunt, his mother's sister, because she had met a man and it wasn't convenient to have Brad around. Brad lived with his aunt for 2 years. His mother eventually married this man that was violent and raised my son with intimidation and corporal punishment. He, today is the only man on Earth that Brad won't have anything to do with. He never told me that he went 3 years without hearing from his mother or being invited to her home because her husband wouldn't be comfortable with it. He never told me that he went a full year without even hearing from his mother because he had come to live with me. I did know that she stole several thousand dollars from his savings account that I had put away for him, after giving it to him when he turned 18. He never asked her back for it either.

I've always been of the belief that everyone, even family members need to earn you in their lives. They don't just get to have you. Unconditional love is for fools and dreamers. Everything worth having, needs to be earned. I'll NEVER tell my son to stay in touch with his mother, just because she's his mother, again!