As the years go by, certain things change in my life. One of the things that is noticeably changing are the places I go. I used to go to clubs, disco, parties and such. Now I find myself getting pretty well known and on a first name basis at labs that draw blood, doctor's offices and an occasional emergency room. This is a story about a place I "hang" at, named Lab Corp.
I never appreciated Cigna Insurance until I had Mercy Healthcare. Mercy is subsidized by the state for the financially incapable along with independent business owners that can't obtain insurance elsewhere (that's me). We independent business owners are grouped with the homeless, indigent, and unemployed for our social pleasure. Lab Corp, unfortunately accepts both the previously mentioned group along with me. Understand, I don't feel that I am better than anyone, however I like to choose who I rub elbows with in confined areas. Lab Corp does not give me that option.
Today I got an early morning phone call from Dr. Z telling me that my Creatinine level was well into the danger zone and he preferred I go to the ER and declare myself in renal failure. Knowing my kidneys better than anyone, I preferred the option of going to Lab Corp, the second day in a row to endure the indescretions of both their staff and the patrons. After a completely sleepless night, I was aroused by the Lovely Jules to get a recap of the previous night, AFTER I puked my guts out. We didn't talk too long after she mentioned something about a BM. BM stands for "Beautiful Man".
Right after that the doctor called and started me thinking about foregoing my nap and heading on out. I'm sad to say that the reason I was up all night was because Bogie, my pup was pretty ill. It was 12:30 before I tried the locked door at Lab Corp. Did you ever watch someone that tries a door ands they know it should open, yet it doesn't? Well, in disbelief, you try it over and over again, thinking it has to be stuck. After observing the dead bolt through the door jamb, I accepted it was locked and that they were probably just being robbed. Just then, the next door opened and out walked the elderly, dumb as a rock lady that works there and always flirts with me. I stopped her and she acted like she was inches away from a clean getaway. I asked he why the door was locked and she was leaving. She said they take off now, from 12:30 to 1:30 for lunch. I complained that there is no sign indicating that. She told me that they won't permit them to post the hours............Huh??? I asked her if she could go back in with me and just draw my blood. Her answer was that she already punched out. I WAS going to offer to do the same to her, but thought better of it. After she told me that they'd be right back in one hour, I felt so much better. It was sunny and bright and 110 degrees. Grumbling something about her heritage, I walked back to my car.
My next plan was to be first in line at 1:30, so I drove home, yelling obscenities to all other drivers, went into the house, checked on poor Bogie and yelled things at Zoie. I watched the clock like a hawk. The trick is to beat the system. At 1:23 I exited, hopped into my fastest car, got into a car that would start after that and sped to Lab Corp for the second time in 1 hour. As I got closer, I picked up my pace, not wanting anyone to be there ahead of me. Oh, how naive I am. As I got closer, I noticed the front door was open, a good sign that I won't have to wait outside in the heat. As I took the last turn, I could see why the front door was open. It was to make room for the 20 some people that were in line just to check in! I blew out an audible "Oh F*ck" and left again.
Once again I drove home, screaming louder than my radio. I contemplated going to an emergency room and checked my insurance card. It was the $300 ER fee that stopped me. I pay $650 a month for health insurance and that's if I don't use it! This time I waited until 2:45, realizing there is no beating the system, to just relax and enjoy the show. When I got there, typically the joint was packed. In spite of the fact that I was there yesterday and twice today, the girl insists on asking me if I've ever been seen there before. You can imagine what I'm tempted to tell her. I take a seat and the elderly lady that flirts with me every time I go there, winks. That's when the show began.
Although it was pretty crowded and it really didn't smell to well, I was lucky enough to get a card table chair to sit in. That's when the couple a few people over from my started getting impatient. I'd say they were in their late 50's and were sharing a pair of reading glasses, but not lovingly. He was looking something up in the Yellow Pages and when he'd point to whatever it was he wanted her to see, she'd just grab the glasses and he'd try to stop her. Then the pair of them asked to use the office phone, but were initially turned down by my flirty lady. After explaining in detail that this was a business phone, they were given the telephone. Now picture this guy wearing wearing a clean white t-Shirt and filthy no brand jeans. The wife is on the phone after being on hold forever, she's making noises like she's frustrated. The husband grabs the phone and the glasses and starts a rant into the phone that will probably cause the recipient to quit her job. It went something like this. "You ,mean to tell me that I drive 100 miles in a state that is all f*cking desert, some asshole crashes into us and the stinking cops give me the ticket, cuz he don't don't even understand English and you tell me my appointment is for tomorrow? This poor slob got a bigger laugh from the innocent audience in that waiting room, than any stand up comedian I've ever seen. He got a standing ovation from the ones of us that could stand and he never had a clue why were all laughing... The best part was when he was walking over the threshold to leave, he tripped and his community glasses fell off one ear only and he never even corrected them.
Suddenly, my day seemed pretty much okay! By the way, my Creatinine level dropped to 3 and Dr. Z was noticeably elated...
I never appreciated Cigna Insurance until I had Mercy Healthcare. Mercy is subsidized by the state for the financially incapable along with independent business owners that can't obtain insurance elsewhere (that's me). We independent business owners are grouped with the homeless, indigent, and unemployed for our social pleasure. Lab Corp, unfortunately accepts both the previously mentioned group along with me. Understand, I don't feel that I am better than anyone, however I like to choose who I rub elbows with in confined areas. Lab Corp does not give me that option.
Today I got an early morning phone call from Dr. Z telling me that my Creatinine level was well into the danger zone and he preferred I go to the ER and declare myself in renal failure. Knowing my kidneys better than anyone, I preferred the option of going to Lab Corp, the second day in a row to endure the indescretions of both their staff and the patrons. After a completely sleepless night, I was aroused by the Lovely Jules to get a recap of the previous night, AFTER I puked my guts out. We didn't talk too long after she mentioned something about a BM. BM stands for "Beautiful Man".
Right after that the doctor called and started me thinking about foregoing my nap and heading on out. I'm sad to say that the reason I was up all night was because Bogie, my pup was pretty ill. It was 12:30 before I tried the locked door at Lab Corp. Did you ever watch someone that tries a door ands they know it should open, yet it doesn't? Well, in disbelief, you try it over and over again, thinking it has to be stuck. After observing the dead bolt through the door jamb, I accepted it was locked and that they were probably just being robbed. Just then, the next door opened and out walked the elderly, dumb as a rock lady that works there and always flirts with me. I stopped her and she acted like she was inches away from a clean getaway. I asked he why the door was locked and she was leaving. She said they take off now, from 12:30 to 1:30 for lunch. I complained that there is no sign indicating that. She told me that they won't permit them to post the hours............Huh??? I asked her if she could go back in with me and just draw my blood. Her answer was that she already punched out. I WAS going to offer to do the same to her, but thought better of it. After she told me that they'd be right back in one hour, I felt so much better. It was sunny and bright and 110 degrees. Grumbling something about her heritage, I walked back to my car.
My next plan was to be first in line at 1:30, so I drove home, yelling obscenities to all other drivers, went into the house, checked on poor Bogie and yelled things at Zoie. I watched the clock like a hawk. The trick is to beat the system. At 1:23 I exited, hopped into my fastest car, got into a car that would start after that and sped to Lab Corp for the second time in 1 hour. As I got closer, I picked up my pace, not wanting anyone to be there ahead of me. Oh, how naive I am. As I got closer, I noticed the front door was open, a good sign that I won't have to wait outside in the heat. As I took the last turn, I could see why the front door was open. It was to make room for the 20 some people that were in line just to check in! I blew out an audible "Oh F*ck" and left again.
Once again I drove home, screaming louder than my radio. I contemplated going to an emergency room and checked my insurance card. It was the $300 ER fee that stopped me. I pay $650 a month for health insurance and that's if I don't use it! This time I waited until 2:45, realizing there is no beating the system, to just relax and enjoy the show. When I got there, typically the joint was packed. In spite of the fact that I was there yesterday and twice today, the girl insists on asking me if I've ever been seen there before. You can imagine what I'm tempted to tell her. I take a seat and the elderly lady that flirts with me every time I go there, winks. That's when the show began.
Although it was pretty crowded and it really didn't smell to well, I was lucky enough to get a card table chair to sit in. That's when the couple a few people over from my started getting impatient. I'd say they were in their late 50's and were sharing a pair of reading glasses, but not lovingly. He was looking something up in the Yellow Pages and when he'd point to whatever it was he wanted her to see, she'd just grab the glasses and he'd try to stop her. Then the pair of them asked to use the office phone, but were initially turned down by my flirty lady. After explaining in detail that this was a business phone, they were given the telephone. Now picture this guy wearing wearing a clean white t-Shirt and filthy no brand jeans. The wife is on the phone after being on hold forever, she's making noises like she's frustrated. The husband grabs the phone and the glasses and starts a rant into the phone that will probably cause the recipient to quit her job. It went something like this. "You ,mean to tell me that I drive 100 miles in a state that is all f*cking desert, some asshole crashes into us and the stinking cops give me the ticket, cuz he don't don't even understand English and you tell me my appointment is for tomorrow? This poor slob got a bigger laugh from the innocent audience in that waiting room, than any stand up comedian I've ever seen. He got a standing ovation from the ones of us that could stand and he never had a clue why were all laughing... The best part was when he was walking over the threshold to leave, he tripped and his community glasses fell off one ear only and he never even corrected them.
Suddenly, my day seemed pretty much okay! By the way, my Creatinine level dropped to 3 and Dr. Z was noticeably elated...
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