All About Facebook

Sandy Goldberg

Along with every red blooded American, I belong to Facebook. I don't really know why. When I was first invited to join Facebook, it was from some potential girlfriend. I became her friend on Facebook, but unfortunately not in real life. We moved on. As I understood it, it was a great way to network, but network what? So I'm a member, I belong, I check it periodically to find out what various friends are up to. Some friends post almost everyday, others......never. I'm one of the ones that posts seldom.

One day about a month ago, I was contacted by a woman named Sandy Goldberg. She claimed she went to high school with me and suddenly I pictured a girl named Sandy that not only went to high school with me, but was in my class all of the way since 4th grade. I later discovered that her name was Sandy Eisenberg, not Goldberg. I clearly confused my bergs!

I called my friend Barry in Naples, FL. and asked him who Sandy Goldberg was and he explained to me that she was that mousy little girl that Warren Wiczer dated back in our sophomore year. HER, I yelled. I didn't know her. But it was too late, she was already my friend on Facebook. I let her remain, as I really don't care. So I have a friend that I never knew. How was that going to hurt me? Having any friend is always an asset.

Two or three days ago, Sandy Goldberg suggested I make friends with another high school chum, Barbara Cooper Gould. I didn't think I knew her, but she probably knew me if our mutual friend Sandy Goldberg suggested her. I was then required to send out a friend request to Barbara Cooper Gould. Today I received a message from Barbara Cooper Gould and it turned into a dialogue. It went something like this:

Barbara Cooper Gould


Barbara Cooper Gould
Today at 3:52pm

where did we meet what school did you go to


Mel Fisher
Today at 4:02pm
I went to Niles East and I don't think we know each other, although your name sounds familiar, lol. This is hysterical because Sandy Goldberg Marx (who I don't know either) suggested I add you as a friend because we all went to school together. I asked my friend Barry Klayman, who I speak with often, who Sandy Goldberg was and he said, she was Warren Wiczers old girlfriend. Now, that should clear it all up, lol...

Mel


Barbara Cooper Gould
Today at 5:03pm
Yes of cource now it all makes sence i am new to this and do not know what i am doing i would like to find a wonderful guy for my wonderful daughter she is beaufiful inside as well as outside do you or any of your friends jnow some one in chicago or the surrounding suburbs???

It appears that people all join Facebook for different reasons.

So this is what Facebook is all about!!!

Starbursts...

As previously admitted in a previous post, I once again admit an addiction to Brach's Starbursts. The little red and white spiral mint flavored candies. I buy them at Costco Business, at 7 LB for $4.99. I'm currently on my 3rd bag, that's 21 LB of pure sugar. Guess who else likes Brach's Starbursts? Dippy. Dippy ate them with me last night and went "one for one" with me all evening. In addition to eating the delicious treat, I take the cellophane wrapper, roll it into a long thin tubular form and tie it into a knot. It took me quite a long time to do it effectively, but after eating the 21 LB of candy, something should come of it in addition to toothaches. Last night, I braggingly showed Dippy my ability to accomplish this and she was able to duplicate my talent within seconds. As I stood there aghast, I taunted her with, "I'll bet you can't tie it into a second knot". To my surprise, and frankly I've never even attempted it, she was able to tie it into a second knot with a little effort. That's when I mentioned it was almost 3 AM and we'd better call it a night!

Last Night with Dippy...

Last night Dippy and I had our first date after our "interview" meeting last week. She came to pick me up around 8 PM, after driving past my house and backtracking about 6 houses to see a man standing in his driveway waving. That would be me. We entered through the front door creating what I like to call, "the grand tour" of the house. We entered through the foyer and our first sighting being the grand formal living room and dining room that no one has ever entered besides my 2 dogs to relieve themselves and LJ who always insisted on inviting the 2 dogs in there for a romp.

After the tour, including a full description and viewing of the backyard and it's individual foliage, we left for none other than Tutti Santi's for a romantic Italian dinner. The evenings entertainment consisted of my saying meaningless things to our waitress that really couldn't catch on to my demented personality. Things like, when we ordered, she asked if there would be anything else, I replied, yes balloons please! Not knowing what to respond and exposing her "flabberghastedness", she exited.

The next act to be enjoyed was a woman at the next table that was clearly 30 LB overweight, exposing her thong stuffed tightly up her ass. Naturally that brought us to the topic of women's underwear and I was pleased to hear that Dippy follows women's fashion and there will be no granny pant sightings, if we ever get to that?

I had the Chicken Parmigiana and Dippy ordered the Halibut Special, commenting that it was one of the best things she's ever tasted. I was glad I'd suggested it until she all but insisted that I try a bite, offering me her fork. I went reeling back to my childhood where my mother all but force fed me fish, warning me not to swallow the bones, as I will die a horrible death by choking. I understand the advantages of Omega 3, but still cannot palate fish!

After dinner and Dippy actually offered to buy, we decided to come back to my house to talk. And talk we did until Dippy noticed it was after 1 AM. The time blew by and pretty soon it was 3 AM. I offered her to spend the night, we could stay up and talk or whatever? Although I think dippy considered it, we both agreed that some things are better with time. My testosterone levels MUST be diminishing, because I actually thought so too..................then!

Linda excused herself to the ladies room, but I explained we didn't have one here and the men's room will have to do. She used it and we walked out to the driveway, where her car awaited. After a nice semi-passionate kiss goodnight, our first real kiss, she drove away. I went into the house and used the restroom myself and noticed that Dippy had changed the toilet paper roll and she had put it on backwards. The paper had to be pulled from the top, instead of the bottom, WHERE IT BELONGS! I just looked at it for awhile and realized that there was a time in my life that I would have to have it the RIGHT WAY! But those days are gone and I no longer need to control EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. So I just left it that way, because her way is just as good as MY WAY! Although as I sit here, there is nothing else going through my Obsessive Compulsive mind...

I got a text from Dippy at 3:36 AM saying she'd had a great time and thanks! I slept till 11 AM.

That Decorator's Touch...

I can diagnose the problem with a car that's running poorly. I can look at a car and tell you if it's been cared for. I can give you the approximate value of a car or truck within $300 wholesale. I can do most things that by the time I've reached 63, that I'm supposed to do. I learned how to use a computer pretty efficiently for a guy that was born in 1946. I took care of my own landscaping for the past 17 years in this house and no one ever complained that it looked like the house was abandoned, but I'll be damned if I have a clue on how to "stage" a house for sale.

When my new Realtor left last week, she put the fear of God into me by telling me she'd be back to do some staging and that her husband would be with her to move heavy furniture. My silent reaction to that was, "knock yourself out", but that pool is staying right where it is!

While doing some work this week or last, I recall Oprah telling someone that a sofa looks good at the end of a bed, giving you somewhere to sit while putting your shoes on. For some reason, I stopped what I was doing and made a mental note of the worthless blue sofa that sits in a loft area upstairs, that I've actually never ventured into. Lifting and pulling it into my bedroom seemed a good idea. When the carpet cleaners came yesterday, I lifted it up on top of my bed so he could clean under it. Now the carpeting is dry and when it was time to put it down, I tried it at the foot of the bed and for your viewing pleasure I captured it with my $10 cell phone camera.

Frankly, it was the first and last time I'll ever believe a 200 LB female talk show hostess, because as you can see, it didn't "pop" but was more likely to explode if I left it there. In addition, there was a pretty expensive rug that I had nailed to the wall in there, to keep the dogs from ruining it. I've been told by a reliable source, that actually has a gay decorator named Ethyn that it doesn't belong on my wall. That came down too, leaving pretty bad scarring on my freshly painted wall. This is my end result. When this is finished, I'm probably going to stick to the things I know, like complaining!

New Kid on the Block...

Dippy

Went on a first date last night. Pretty good. The lady's name is Linda, but her screen name was Serendipity and somehow we shortened that to Dippy. Dippy and I spoke on the phone for 3 solid hours and I found that she was interesting, clever, funny and a great listener and yes, I did most of the talking, as usual. Although I'd say we had an almost even mix of conversation. Dippy is a delivery nurse at Scottsdale Osborne and has been a nurse for many years. Here's the problem as I see it. She works 6 twelves, starting at 7 PM and getting off at 7:30 AM, then she's off for 6 days in a row and then one again for 6. I don't know when to call her when she's working, as she has to sleep too. She emails and texts me at 4 AM and I reply at 9 AM and don't hear from her until she's up from her day of sleep. Last night we met for a drink and some appetizers and we talked non-stop for over 4 hours, a new record for a first meeting.

Dippy (Linda) has four children, 3 girls and the baby is a boy, 22 yrs old. She's divorced and owns her own home in Scottsdale. You have to give a lot of credit to a woman that raised 4 children while working full time. She's been single for 12 years and is not pining away after a lost husband.

I've learned from experience that the first thing I look for now is what a woman is wearing. Lately, all of the women that I meet wear Mom jeans. The high waisted ones left over from the 80's. I think you can still get them at Sears. I remember telling you about the nurse that I went out with that wanted to take a shower at my house after first walking in. She wore Granny pants that stuck up about 4 inches above her slacks. I actually asked her what her grandmother was using for panties if she's wearing Granny's! Dippy was wearing white, low rise Capri's and later told me she also has a "tramp stamp", but I'm going to have to wait to see that! It's a tattoo of a heart on her lower back. She got it with her daughters, matching ink.

I'm kind of excited about Dippy, I think we made a strong connection and it should be interesting to see where this leads.. As usual, I'll keep you posted.

Senility...

It seems I've reached the age where someone needs to email me or call me every night around 9 PM to ask me if my garage door is open. I awakened this morning at about 9 AM and went out to get something from the garage, only to find it awfully bright in there with the big double door wide open. There was a time years ago when neighbors would ring your bell and advise you of your forgetfulness, but those days are long gone. I need a house with a carport!

I finally settled on a Realtor today. An old friend of mine SV, referred a lady that sold she and her former husband a house several years ago and she turned out to be the type of person I feel comfortable with. Almost immediately she started shouting instructions for me to follow. I like that (I think) Clear off those counters and move that sofa, yada, yada, yada....

As a courtesy, I emailed the 2 ladies that I didn't choose to tell them they lost the race. I received a return email saying the one of the duo that I DID like would like to take the listing sans her partner. That was a dollar short and a minute late, as my mind was already made up. I hate when someone begs.

What I liked about this woman that I hired was her honesty. Instead of painting a beautiful picture for me, telling me everything she was going to do to get my house sold, she told me these were tough times and more likely than not I'm not going to net any proceeds from this sale, by the time I deduct the balance of the mortgage and her commissions. I like hearing that I'm gonna be broke!

The Prince of Prejudice...

Sometimes, between carpet cleanings, I forget why I dislike my carpet cleaner so much, but with one phone call, to ask him to come over and rearrange the dirt in my carpeting and I remember. My carpet cleaner's name is Dave and he's a Chem-dry carpet guy and all they ever do is smooth the dirt in your carpet out, so it's evenly distributed. This is a big help to my spotted carpeting, as a result of 11 years of 2 Great Danes using my home for an auxiliary rest area. Towards the end, by big boy was incontinent and my part time job involved a shop-vac and a lot of elbow grease. Now that it's time to sell this pink elephant of a house, it's my job to make it as presentable as possible to a potential buyer. Thirty five years in the car business has prepared me to know what the public expects.

Let's get back to Dave. Dave was referred to me by my step-daughter some 17 years ago. He was a neighbor of hers in her apartment building. Dave married a young lady and eventually she gave birth to a baby and then a few years later another offspring. I'm informed that the first child is going away to college soon. So a lot of time has passed since the first time Dave pissed me off.

I called Dave and said a warm hello. You could tell he was happy to hear from me, as he asked rather enthusiastically how I was and how those 2 dogs are doing. I explained that the dogs have gone to that kennel in the sky and it was time to sell my house and I needed his help, badly. As usual, he asked if I ever hear from my step daughter and of course I tell him no. I explained that the last time I'd heard from her, she had moved to Texas and married a guy whose name ended with an gnii. He replied, a Jap or a Chink? I said no, it was a guy from the Middle East. Oh, a sandN-------! I replied, Dave, I haven't heard anyone use that word in years and I'm a little surprised at you. He explained that he only uses that word N----R with friends, and he considers me a friend. (I hope he remembers that when it's time to pay him). Then he explained that he's a bigot and HATES all minorities, particularly the N----rs, the Jews and the Indians. The Jew are clearly the most hated group world wide and they deserve every fucking thing they get, because they are the scum of the Earth and try to cheat everyone and are cheap and arrogant.

After about a 2 minute run on why he hates Jews, I could hardly control myself and I said Dave, you knew I was Jewish, didn't you? After a couple of stutters he said yeah, but you're one of the good ones! Dave, you never mentioned there were any good ones! I said, you knew our mutual friend Martha was Jewish too, didn't you. He replied sure, I been to her house and it's full of "Jew Art". Reluctantly I asked what Jew Art was he said, "you know, a mess"!

Dave will be here Wednesday next week to do his magic. I'm looking forward to it. Whatever it is he does to my carpet, I usually do to his head. Only he never realizes it until about 2 or 3 hours after he leaves...

Interview Number 2.

What makes a person drop the proverbial ball? In my last post, I raved about how this guy really impressed me with his sales technique and how he had won me over, a seasoned salesman. He left with a firm handshake and several post meeting promises and I never heard another word from him again. Could it be he didn't believe in me? Did he not think I would make a good client? Was my house too difficult a house for him to sell. When someone lets you down, you tend to think the worst. The truth is, my "super salesman" seemingly has a problem. There is a reason that he has a cell phone in another person's name. There's a reason that he couldn't be on time for our first appointment. Was he a drug addict or just an alcoholic? Is he predestined for failure which is certain with his present technique. Either way, he won't be my realtor.

Next I interviewed a couple of women that came out on Wednesday. The first lady I met on a dating service and although I didn't feel we were a good match, I still thought she had a lot of integrity and remembered she sold real estate. I remembered her as an after thought. When she called, she asked if she could bring her partner, a woman that had sold real estate for 26 years, compared to her meager 5 years in the business. I said sure, the more the merrier!

Did you ever meet someone that you immediately disliked? Was our chemistry was wrong or did she wear the wrong colors? I don't know, but I just found her annoying. She was an overweight woman about 58 years old. She didn't make eye contact when she spoke, didn't command respect with her tone and said things like, "if I don't hurry, I will not get too much for my house". When I told her the rush act won't work on me, she grabbed her tape measure and began measuring my rooms. That just confused me, as my friend and I just chatted about my house. After the 2 1/2 hour interview, my friend sent me an email saying that they discussed it and would be willing to discount their commission to get the listing. Even with the discount, I wouldn't want to be associated with THAT woman.

Saturday morning another lady is coming over and we'll discuss my needs and wants. So far this woman seems to understand me. She told me that there was a house just like mine for sale a block over and it's empty. I said good, we can go over and inspect it, I actually need a few things! She laughed and said she thinks we'll get along just fine.

Making that all Important Choice

Today I had my first realtor come out to the house. I called this guy and was not impressed with the fact that he called me back from a cell phone that was his advertised number, but it was in a woman's name with a different last name than his. He called to confirm our appointment a half hour early and I replied that I'd see him in 32 minutes. When he was 12 minutes late, I was prepared to dislike this man, if only because he didn't respect punctuality.

Suddenly he pulled up in front of the house with a silver Mercedes, rolling on the biggest chrome wheels in captivity. He got out of his car leaving it sticking out in the street about 4 feet and walked up to the door. I opened the door to a cleanly shaved head, worn by a man over 6' 4" with a business card in one hand and a sneaky moustache clinging to his manicured lip. I was prepared not to like this guy that was going to rob me of hard earned money, called "commission".

I offered him a handshake and a seat and thought I'd make quick work of this guy and get to someone that might impress me a little more, when suddenly he spoke and he was factual, knowledgeable, truthful and honest and had a certain poise about him that was pleasing and reassuring.

I shared my situation with him and began to like and respect him. I asked him about his competition and he praised them all, never once mentioning that he could do a better job. Although I have 2 other appointments with other Realtors, a nasty task, I'm probably going to go with Kent at this point.

Two Doors Down...

Today I made the first move to put this house on the market. October 9th, I will have been in this house for 17 years. I never thought I had that kind of staying power to do anything that long, but it was easier to stay put, than to move elsewhere. With the dogs gone, I retain no excuse to remain here in a 3500 sq. Ft. house, alone. I always referred to it as my dream house and it still is, only my dreams have changed and I'm dreaming now of something far more simple and understated.

This place has 5 bedrooms and I check them religiously for the homeless sector. So far, so good! I fear that one day I'll open the door of an unoccupied bedroom and be greeted by a man with a backpack and a "howdy".

Some 10 or 12 months ago, I clicked on a website that promised to give me the current value of my home. It asked for my personal information and me like the fish that I am, offered everything it asked. The phone calls started the next day. "Mr. Jones, I understand you want to sell your home?" Eventually I just stopped answering any call that I didn't recognize. They email me "spam" like it's going out of style. So today, I called the guy that's been harassing me and he had no idea who I was, naturally. I started my phone call with, "Every time you think it's NOT worthwhile, all of the advertising you do, remember this call that came directly from your spam methods". He replied, "huh, who is this?" So this dude is coming over Monday morning to try to list me.

Knowing that I've got a lot of work ahead of me, I decided to start a few things going today. I cleaned up the kitchen and blew up a float for the pool so it looks like someone uses it and sprayed down the driveway. Did I mention it was 114 today here in sunny Scottsdale?

Does anyone out there in blog land have a neighbor that you'd just as soon not run into? They're good for the WAVE, but not a conversation. Today, while trying to drown my driveway, Chris, 2 doors down, drove by in her Nissan, full length cigarette hanging from her lip, cell phone up to her ear. I waved, got nothing and was pleased as punch. Lately Chris, a 58 year old woman, has been stopping to discuss world events and really pissing me off. She is so anti-Obama that she doesn't even make sense.

John McCain, being our home town boy, disappointed a lot of his fellow Republicans by having such a poor campaign and running mate. (Can you tell I'm pro-Obama?) Chris just parrots everything she's heard at the bar about our president and talks about over taxing and Socialism, blah, blah, blah...

So about an hour later, I was finished with the drive and decided to drive down and get the mail. I was within a second of a clean getaway, when Chris pulled up on the wrong side of the street and opened the door of her Nissan Altima. When she opened the door, a cloud of smoke came rushing out of her car and my first reaction was to call 911. With the offending cigarette still hanging off her lip, she walked over to my driver's side of my car and motioned for me to open my window. I really chose not to, but gave in. She took one last drag off what seemed to be the filter and flipped it into some neighbor's front yard. She leaned in and I could actually smell the nicotine on this 114 degree day. First she complimented me on my beard and I mentioned that I'd had it for quite a long time and thank you. She told me it looked classy. I'm pretty sure "classy" is a word that people with class NEVER use.

Chris has always had a nice figure for a woman her age and has always been proud of her bosom. She bought them new in 93, I believe. She's a sun lover and I noticed that her skin had systematically turned to a fine grade of leather, similar to a doe skin. She immediately launched into some story about just getting back from CA where she was visiting her poor gay son, who is in the motion picture business there, but got pushed off a 30 foot cliff, by a guy that thought he was someone else. Still confused, she moved on to her finding the guy that did it and she's going to extort money from him to help pay the $30,000 in medical bills. Then she jumped to the economy and I reiterated that who ever thought being in the car business would ever be so difficult.. That was her opportunity to attack Mr. Obama. She told me that it's all Obama's fault. I looked at her like a dog that heard a high pitched tone, with my head tilted to one side and couldn't believe my ears. All I could say was, "Oh, THAT'S who did it?"

I'm not sure if it was the tone of my voice, or the look on my face, but she immediately switched to, she's late getting home and hopped back into her forest fire of a car and split.

Here's the lesson that I learned from all this. Always pick up your mail at night!

Happy 69th Anniversary Mom and Dad

On this day, July 07 in 1940, a young couple stood opposite one another and repeated "I do". He was 27 and she a year younger. Those two people shared my last name as they were my mother and father. Somehow they stayed together for some 47 years, when SHE suffered an aneurysm and suddenly passed away at the age of 69.

HE, not being the kind of man that did much for himself, suffered the loss, but suddenly realized he needed someone else to survive. Fortunately the Internet wasn't an option, so he first investigated some of the women in his Miami apartment building. Suddenly he was marching a plethora of women in front of me, asking me what I thought of them. One woman that he brought to AZ to show off, we gave up our bed to them, and he never mentioned she was married until after they had left. Suddenly the father/son roles were reversing. I really didn't know what to do with him. Dad had a friend named Mitch that he'd known since they were kids and Mitch had a girlfriend and she had a friend for Dad. Her name was Adrienne and a worse example of New York, Jewess, Prima Donna, Mockey (Yiddish for pimple) could not have been found if he had tried. I'll save her for another time. (no I won't).

I picked up Dad and Adrienne at the airport and my son Brad was in the car. I was driving an almost new 92 Volvo and when you put that car in drive, the door locks automatically locked. As we pulled up to the grocery store to pick up a few things that Adrienne couldn't live without, she attempted to open her back door finding it was locked. She looked at me and exclaimed, You locked the door, you jerk"! Brad looked at me knowing full well that there would soon be a show down. There was, but I'll save THAT for another time. That visit was just horrible.

In 1995, Brad and I found ourselves in Chicago to visit our new born granddaughter and niece and we went to Palatine to visit my deceased mother's grave. It was a surprisingly sunny day in October, for that part of the country. We had a difficult time finding it, at first. When we did find it, Brad seemed to wander off, leaving me alone with her. I chatted with her for a time, explaining why we were there and how she was a Great Grandmother now and a brief report on how everyone was doing. Then I got to my father and I told her that she didn't EVEN want to know what was going on with Dad. Suddenly, out of a clear sunny sky, there was a crack of thunder and a downpour that was the likes of nothing I'd ever seen. Brad and I ran to the car getting soaked, when Brad yelled to me, "Why in the world did you decide to piss her off???"

Another One Bites the Dust...

I was speaking with a new lady tonight, someone I found on the dating services that I'm a member of. Let's call her Cathy. She's an intelligent woman, about 51 years old, owns her own business and is almost finished writing her first book, a mystery. The fact that she writes is what initially attracted me to her in addition to her good looks. She's 5' 7", thin and pleasant with a speaker's voice. She seems to appreciate my sense of humor and laughs at just the right times. I was sharing with her a story about a woman that I had spoken with last week, actually it was GaYle or JaYne or someone with a Y stuck in the middle of their name for no apparent reason.

This conversation I was making reference to was quickly approaching the 3 hour point, when I decided to share a personal fact about me, that was going to require some explaining. Unknown to me, GaYle had had her share of Bailey's, plus an Ambien prior to my calling, or so she said. My topic took about 20 minutes to explain, it wasn't quick, but I felt her worthy of hearing it. It wasn't something I share with everyone, but GaYle seemed to be experiencing a similar problem.

As I told this story, GaYle responded with all of the appropriate uh huhs, and yeahs. I continued down this story road to the end of the story. I thought GaYle was a great listener, as she wasn't even commenting as I confessed along. As I approached the end of the story with the climax in sight, I paused to say, are you following me, but she was so intent on hearing the finish that she was again silent.......... I finished and was awaiting her final reaction, but there just silence. Too much silence for someone that was awake. I'd say about 6 or 7 seconds passed and she finally reacted with a .......................hello!

Now I was silent with an least 6 or 7 seconds of silence as the fact that she was completely asleep sunk in. She started apologizing for her falling asleep and this never happens and she's awfully tired and do I mind of we talk again tomorrow? All I could think of saying was, "Don't expect me to tell that whole thing again"! She said okay and hung up.

Damn, put another one to sleep!

Would YOU Trust this Man?

Neyo Pumping

It seems there is no end to the scam artists on Craigslist. I just re-placed my ad to keep it fresh and it was like fishing for Blue Gills with worms. I no sooner threw my line into the pond and got a nibble. This one was from Neyo Pumping. Initially I thought it was a septic tank company, but when I Googled him I got his picture and his country of origin, which was Nigeria. I have to tell you, if you're from Nigeria these days, better keep it a secret! Here is a copy of his email. It's almost a carbon cope of the other one. Who's falling for these scams?

I really appreciate your response to my email.I want you to consider it sold, pls do withdraw the advert from craigslist to avoid disturbance.I want you to know that i will be paying via bankcertified check .I will like you to provide me with the following.information to facilitate the mailing of the check to you ...
1.....Full name to write on the check2.....Full Physical address to post the check3.....City, State and Zip Code
4.....Home & Cell Phone to contact you*** Note that the payment will be shiped to your address via UPS NEXTDAY SERVICE and I will like you to know that you will not beresponsible for shipping i will have my mover come over as soon as youhave cashed the check** Thanks

Pool Table For Sale... $1000

I decided to sell my 8' slate top, Connelly Pool table. I've had it for about 16 years, but for the last 11 years, it has remained covered and a great storage table for items no longer of great use to me. If I ever took the cover off and broke the balls, Bogie would grab as many balls as he could fit in his mouth and take off running away. It became useless to try to play with him around, so I didn't. Now that Bogie has gone off to that pool room up in the sky, I've decided to start thinking about smaller accommodations and certainly a place that won't fit a pool table. I put my favorite recreational facility on Craigslist and within literally 24 hours had 3 substantial offers.

Two, I suspected were scams and the third was just an email offer of 20% less than I was asking without ever seeing the item he was offering on. I don't consider that legitimate. The first email is below and it offers me full price and all I have to do is make CHANGE out of my checking account after his cashier's check clears. Naturally I looked into this and it said right on the Internet when I googled the guy's name that he was a crook and his check is counterfeit. This is as close to a real life crook as I've ever gotten and it freaked me out a little.

The next one seems legitimate until you get to the part where it says he just moved here from Glendale, AZ and that's where his check is coming from. We are almost walking distance from Glendale, AZ here. This guy claims to be deaf, so he can't speak to me, thus only emailing will suffice.

I'm only asking a thousand dollars and what I'm looking for is a buyer who'll come and look at it and say, I'll take it or make me a real offer that's reasonable. Here are the 2 scam letters for your inspection.

Hello, Thanks for your prompt reply.Well,i must say you ve got a nice item and as a matter of fact,In a transaction like this, i will appreciate it if we can put trust first so that the transaction can go smoothly.I would have love to come by with cash and pick it up but at the moment am a kinda of too busy to come over,so i think i can send you a cashier check via Fedex Or UPS overnight and my shipping company could come pick it up once payment is cleared.The Check will be excess and all what you will need to do is to just send the remaining balance to my Shipper for pick up after deducting your money,if you are ok with this pls do get back to me with your full name,address and phone number so i can proceed with the payment and pls do keep this item for me and inform other interested party that its been sold..okRegards,

Steve

Hello my name is Tony,i am interested in buying your item listed on CL, Please let me know if its still for sale and perhaps in good condition and I await your response and i will proceed with purchase if its still for sale and in good condition i also want you to know that I will be buying from you so please kindly withdraw the advert from CL. Please be informed that i will be paying with a certified check from my Bank as i just moved here from Glendale AZ on a job transfer.I will need the following details to mail the payment later in the day ...
1.Name to be on the payment2.Home address3.Cell phone #
I am completely satisfied with the advert and the payment will be delivered within 2-3 working days.** I use a hearing impaired phone # and will receive your calls via email I await your response and i will proceed with purchase if its still for sale and in good condition
Thanks God bless.

Bio Gone Horribly Wrong... (Anger Issues)

You know, being an Internet "Dating Guy", I read a lot of profiles about women. Some refer to them as bios, but they're always the same thing. I little paragraph about the individual that is their opportunity to sell themselves to potential suitors. It's their 15 seconds of fame, if you will? Time to shine or be passed over for a more suitable description of the misery that they're going through. No one on these venues are happy. They're all looking for the same thing, a significant other to share their lives with. Someone to worry about, care about and share a life with.

Some think it's their opportunity to voice their political opinions, others get a chance to defile their ex-husband, ex-boyfriend, or ex-life partner. Some expose their poetry to the public for the first time, while others get the chance to show their love for their God. I was telling someone last night that I'd like to compile a book of "profiles gone wrong"and try to get it published. She thought it was an excellent idea. The problem is, I haven't a clue on how to write a book!

One profile that caught my eye a few days ago displayed some anger issues that I thought that you might only want to approach with a straight jacket. For your reading pleasure I have transposed it onto my blog. If after reading it, you still want to try Internet dating...........good luck!

This was composed by an attractive 49 year old woman, whose headline was "Looking for a Man, not a One Niter!"

About Me:
Hello, thanks for stopping by to read my profile! ;) I am a Midwest gal with the Midwest values. And yes, I am a Packer Fan!! I value friendship and someone who is honest and sincere. I am not looking for that "one night stand"! So buddy, if your looking for a piece of ass, keep on lookin, there are plenty of STD's out there to go around!!! I'm not a gold digger. I don't care how much money you make or have in the bank, because if your an ***hole your an ***hole, if your a broke ass or a millionaire. If you don't make much money, or have sufficient work, don't expect to shack up with me, because I'M NOT GOING TO SUPPORT YOU!!! I have three kids, I don't need another one!Now,on the ligher side of things... I would like to meet someone that is fun, and easy going, easy to talk to. I don't care for people who snap at at someone for no good reason, or talk down to my kids and say rude things. I WILL NOT TOLLERATE THAT! I do appreciate a mature man. I enjoy the simple things in life that comes with little effort. Compassion, understanding would be wonderful. I would enjoy meeting someone that can have fun doing just about anything, someone who will do things together, even though it may not be their favorite thing to do, but will, just to be with the person their with. I enjoy having family fun with my kids, and welcome someone who has those teenage kids. I really like going to all kinds of events. I enjoy listening to all kinds of music, country, rock, 70's,80's, though I really am not a huge fan of Rap. Would like to meet someone that isnt afraid to be friends even if the chemistry is not there. Someone to chat with or perhaps get together, even "dutch" to go an event or movie works for me! Politeness goes a long way with me, and if your not polite to me and my kids, you won't be around for long. No one can have too many friends in life..true friends that is. Drop me a note and say hi, don't be shy, if nothing else you can make a friend. Right?

First Date: Meet at a resturant for a drink and chat ...............................(wear body armor!)

Plenty of Fish in the Sea...(using the wrong bait?)

I'm not exactly sure how this happened. I really haven't seen JaYne since our date on Wed. We've exchanged email and a few text messages and suddenly out of nowhere, she DUMPED me! ME, the DUMPER, got DUMPED. How did this happen? I've got to tell you, these days if you're gonna dump someone, you really have to move fast or BAM, they get you!

After our interview date on Wednesday, I sent her a nice email saying that I'd like to see her again and that I found her "Down to Earth" and good at filling out tight jeans. She wrote me back that she found me funny, handsome and able to tell a good story. She agreed to see me again and I was good with that.

The week moved along and we text messaged a few times, pretty light stuff, I didn't want to over burden her with a lot of Mel stuff. On Friday night I texted her, asking when she was leaving for her vacation that she had mentioned. She replied, "in one week." Next I texted that I'd like to call her if she wasn't busy. She replied that she was out with the ladies drinking Sangria. I told her I'd try to call later then, but never did, as I didn't want to seem anxious because I really wasn't. About an hour later she texted me out of the blue that she was out with some new friends, actually friends of one of her friends and these ladies are hilarious. I replied that if she needed a ride, not to hesitate to call, as the cops are thick tonight. She thanked me and I didn't hear from her after that. Then this morning, I awakened to several emails and one was from her. Here it is for your inspection. Perhaps one of you experts in relationships can explain this to me, NMS.

Good morning, Mel,

I'm up and moving on this fine, sweltering morning. Happy Fourth of July.
Last weekend I hid my profile on POF again. I do that often because I just can't stand the Internet dating thing for very long. I wanted to meet you and see if we connected, before I dropped out of the "Looking for Mr. Right" hunt. I had expected that we wouldn't connect and I could wish you well and move on. I should have just put it off because I kind of like you but, I can't give you the full emotional me right now..... you may ring my bells, but the bells are tired and weary and just don't have much of a tenor to them. You deserve more.

I think it best if we put things on hold, and maybe, if you haven't met the woman of your dreams when I am ready to resume the hunt, we could dance the dance.
Hugs, Jayne

What do you think about that?

So the search continues... At first I believed what she wrote and was actually waiting for her to get back in the mood, when reality set in and I realized, you don't throw away a perfectly good dollar, just because you're not in the mood to spend it right now. Oh well, there are still "Plenty of Fish" in the sea. You suppose I'm using bad bait?

What a Payne...

What a paYne in the ass it is when people decide to spell their names in an unusual way. Why can't Steven always be Steven instead of Stephen. It only screws us up, you know? It literally plays hell on alphabetical order. As if my life weren't complicated enough, last week I met two new ladies, and one was GaYle and the second was JaYne. Are they in cahoots? They're close in age, but are from different parts of the country, so I hardly think their mothers came up with this phenomenon together. No, it was clearly a plot to confuse me. In my brain, a confusing place to begin with, I have decided that since they came on board together and they both have the same unusual way of spelling their names, that I should confuse them. They both appear on my cell phone and when I think of them, I do so together, in spite of the fact that they don't know each other and never will. Although I've spoken with Gayle more, I met Jayne tonight and frankly, she was charming. She's smart, a pharmacist, and had the nerve to correct my pronunciation of a word I used tonight. I liked that. Mostly, she's down to Earth and doesn't take herself too seriously. As I pulled up to our meeting place, a lounge close to my house, she text messaged me, "So where are you already"? She drove twice as far as me and still beat me there. I texted her back, "I've still got 2 minutes of alone time"! I walked right in and she was smiling. She has a great figure and was wearing skin tight jeans. Not a bad start for me. We enjoyed each other's company for about 2 hours and we decided to go out again.

What am I gonna tell GaYle?