Friday, July 9, 2010


What's the message here?

The following is a note I sent to this anxious dater. Someone must have told her that she should always put her best foot forward. Observe the left foot.

"Your picture reminded me of a nightmare I had once. I found myself in a large auditorium full of people and I had forgotten to wear any clothes! After seeing this, I hope I can sleep tonight! "

The whole thing made me feel a little queasy. I felt compelled to share that with you. I had to suffer through it, why shouldn't you? I didn't get a reply.

I had a weird-ass day today. I read my weekly fliers and noticed that tomatoes were on sale at Fry's for 88 cents a pound. Being a huge tomato fan, ever since Squeaky ate my stash. Since I'm such a failure of a farmer, I'm reduced to store-bought supplies. In spite of the fact that it's Friday afternoon and I'm NOT a fan of crowds, I fight the 110 degree temps and high humidity, pull the Toyota out of it's napping place in my garage and decided to go to Fry's. It's practically walking distance from the new digs, but fight traffic in their overflowing parking lot. I luck out and grab a spot in the handicapped section, yes I have a placard, thank you. The lack of shopping carts should have been my first clue. I burn my hand on the hot cart and proceed inside. Guess what? I got the cart with the bad front wheel. The one that's wanting to make a hard right turn, constantly. I fight the bastard to produce where I see the vine ripened tomatoes that are supposed to be 88 cents a pound, for $1.99 a pound. I grab about 6 of them and weigh them. 3 LBS. I put back 2 because I cannot get myself to pay $6 for 6 tomatoes. I grab a bag of potatoes for $2. I proceed to the check out, feeling pretty proud of myself for successfully shopping, something I frickin hate! I'm in line at the self serve check lane, but notice 2 free machines, but the guy wearing a dew cloth on his head and fully tattooed arms ahead of me, won't take one of them. I tap him on the shoulder reluctantly and ask if he's going to use one of the free machines when he mentions their out of service, thus the basket over their front. Oh, I reply. I hadn't noticed.

Eventually it's my turn and I approach the self serve machine and take out my Fry's VIP card that by the way, didn't help me worth a shit in Vegas. I run it by the magic eye and it records it. Then it asks me to scan my first object and sensed I'd bought tomatoes and advised me to enter my tomato code. The code is evidently the little sticky thing on the tomato, that is so small that only someone under 40 could read it. I realized my impasse and walked backwards to the place where no one would notice me throw 4 tomatoes and $2 worth of potatoes on a shelf somewhere near the baked beans. Grumbling, I exited.

Back into my premier parking place and into my 170 degree car and wait while the car behind me waits for the perfect parking place. I drive to Fresh n Easy without my seat belt, indicating my, "devil may care" attitude and I pull into a parking place. After I'm parked, I notice that the spot says HYBRID PARKING ONLY. I'm driving a Toyota Corolla and as far as I'm concerned, that's hybrid enough! Who makes these signs and what is the punishment if you violate it? I've seen signs that say "pregnant mommies, employee of the month only, and the ever popular handicapped, but FRICKING HYBRIDS ONLY?" give me a FRICKING brake!

I walked into F n E, walked directly to the tomatoes, picked out 2 packages of Roma tomatoes for 98 cents a piece. There was not another customer in the store. A young helpful employee offered me a shopping cart, but I told him I was only here for the tomatoes. He rang it for me, telling me I owed $1.96 and I handed him $2 and let him just keep the change, cuz I'm THAT'S HOW I ROLL. HYBRIDS ONLY , MY ASS!

When I got home I checked my fliers. It was vine ripened strawberries, 88 cents a pound, OOPS!

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